


Post-War Afterglow

by galacticarmada (interdimensionalist)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, I'm not sorry, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, this does not follow s7 or s8 in the slightest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-21
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-05-26 16:34:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 73,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15004931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interdimensionalist/pseuds/galacticarmada
Summary: Season 6 Lance + PostLance hasn't been feeling like himself for months.





	1. Post-War Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a short chapter.

Of course it was only a matter time before everything went to shit. They were enjoying themselves far too much and far too early after a 10,000-year-old war. Not Lance necessarily, but Pidge, Hunk, Coran, Allura, Shiro, and even Lotor were. Lotor, who had so much to do after Zarkon’s defeat, seemed like he had so much time to spare for Allura and their lovechild of a spaceship. Didn’t he have an empire to run? To govern? Shouldn’t he be out there, y’know, establishing his position as their leader? Zarkon had such a hold on the Galrans – 10,000 years worth need you be reminded- and Lotor was just flirting it up with Allura.

Lance sighs, what was he thinking about again? Oh right, enjoying themselves. Never did he realize how much he’d miss the hustle and bustle of war. Don’t get him wrong, he’s glad the universe has been liberated from Zarkon’s reign, but now that he’s swimming in all this downtime, his head is just… UGH!

Clutching his head and groaning, he thinks maybe Red could help him with his headache.

Barely having to greet her, she lowers her head and lets him in.  Nestled in the pilot’s seat, he sits silently, his funk lifting from his body little by little and he knows it’s her doing. He wonders if Keith is having a better time than him. Given the war is over, why he hasn’t come back. What is the Blade of Marmora making him do? Before Red can say anything, he waves the thought away, thinking back to Allura. He couldn’t deny it any further; even without it being said explicitly, clearly, he wasn’t going to be able to compete with Lotor. How could he even think that he stood a chance?! Allura is way out of his league, not to mention she probably finds him borderline creepy, incompetent, nothing but a joke. Lotor had long, flowing, snow-white hair. He’s half Altean. Eloquent. Charming. Together, they can revive the Altean race. Bring peace. All that potential compared to Lance, it wasn’t even choice.

If the heartbreak wasn’t enough, then there was Shiro. Shiro. Shiro snapping at him, calling him out, ignoring him. _Patience yields focus,_ but Lance thinks that lately, Shiro’s been losing all his patience. “I guess it’s true what they say, huh Red - never meet your heroes.” He couldn’t remember if there was something that he’d done.  When did it start? He thinks back. He was pretty okay when Keith brought him back… Well, okay for whatever happened to him, but that was understandable. Right? So, when… when… when did Shiro start hating him? And then he remembers- Keith. Of course! Shiro blames him for Keith leaving, who wouldn’t? If he had just stepped back, Keith would still be here, but he didn’t want to be left out of the team. He didn’t want to be useless. He wasn’t useless. He just wanted to prove that. He had something to give to the team. He wasn’t just good looks and flirting. He was the sharpshooter. _Their sharpshooter_. He was just as valuable as Keith.

Wasn’t he?

Lotor over Lance.

Keith over Lance.

Pidge over Lance.

Even Coran had chosen the ship over him.

Did anyone want him?

 

 

Did Red even want him?

 In his moment of doubt, Lance received an overwhelming assurance from Red. God, was he stupid. Of course Red wants him. Of course. How could he ever doubt Red?

“I’m sorry for doubting you. I don’t know what’s up with me lately. And it’s not just the Lotor thing. I haven’t been myself in months.” He sighs, when did he lose confidence in himself. “I need to do something. Being by myself is dangerous. At least the war was a distraction – not that I want there to be a war again or anything! I’m glad that Zarkon’s gone and we’re not, y’know, risking our lives all the time… But at least we were together. Practice. Mind melds. Bonding. Meal time. Movie night. And we were always busy. There wasn’t a lot of free time to think about crushes or to miss home or to to think about how you died or to feel sorry or bad for yourself or whatever.” Lance tips his head back with a heavy sigh. “I miss home. I miss Luis, Veronica, Marco, Mama, Papa, Abuelita. I miss thanksgiving and driving down A1A. I miss Miami and Cuban food and the hot, sweaty, blistering heat of Florida summers and – I HAVE TO STOP. Anymore and I’ll end up depressing myself even more.”

Lance stood up and stretched with a groan. “It feels good to get that out. You never let me down, Red. Thanks,” he praised, caressing the surface of his lion before making his way to train. Some physical activity will surely give him some distraction, and if nothing else, exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins makes you happy, and happy people don’t shoot their husbands. And Lance sure could use more endorphins.

Three hours in the training room finally lets Lance beat his best level. He definitely feels a bit of a high afterward, giving him enough strength to shower and do his nightly routine. He thinks that he understands why Keith was always in there. For three hours, he didn’t think about missing Earth, about Allura, about Shiro, about his own insecurities, about his death. For three hours, he had one task and he kicked that training sequence’s ass. He falls asleep wondering why Keith was always grumpy when he spent so much time in there. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know where I'm going with this.


	2. A Paladin's Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith's back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slightly longer chapter.

The shit came after Allura and Lotor left. It came with Keith. And Keith came with his Galran mother and Altean girlfriend, and he came back older, taller, and broader. Maybe it was some weird Galran growth spurt. He was relatively short compared to everyone on the Blade. Probably some Galran chemical like testosterone but, y’know, _stronger_ – which he also looked.

More importantly, Keith came back.

Lance was stoked. He was hyped. Keith was back. Keith, whose been gone for like five months, was back , baby! They all waited at the docking station, Lance a little jittery from the excitement and nervous. They all were, weren’t they? Was it just him? No, it can’t be. This was Keith. Keith was back, they had so many questions. Where has he been? Why did it take him so long to come back? Did he find out anything about his mom? How was he? When did he get so tall? Was it Galran puberty? They had questions.

 And hugs.

Welcome-back hugs.

At least, Lance did.

When the doors open, Keith leaps down and approaches them. Lance stepped forward to meet him, maybe hit him with a light joke. Something to ease that serious look on his face. Maybe try the Voltron cheer again. “Hold on, how do we know you’re the real Keith and not his cooler, bigger, grizzled older brother?” And maybe add some light flirting, just to ease the tension.

“I don’t have time for this, Lance!” Keith snapped. His voice had changed too. _Galran Puberty, definitely Galran puberty,_ Lance thinks pushing aside whatever shitty feeling that reply had elicited because Keith’s back and Lance sure as well wasn’t going to ruin it because he can’t take a little snippy Keith. He can definitely take snippy Keith. He has before, what’s different now?

“Hey, everybody, Keith’s back!” he exclaimed, excitement unwaned. Why wasn’t anyone saying anything? Wasn’t everyone else excited?  Clearly, Shiro is, but this is Keith. Keith who almost got himself killed. Keith who left so Lance could stay. Keith who-.

“We need to stop Lotor. He’s been lying to all of us.”

Ignored him.

But Lance didn’t take it to heart. If Lotor was lying, that definitely took priority. And if Keith thinks Lotor is dangerous and untrustworthy, then that meant that Lance wasn’t just being jealous or paranoid, and he took comfort in this.

Coran gasped, regaining Lance’s attention. “You’re Altean!”

 _Altean? What Altean? Oh, the one next to-_ “And who’s the Galran?”

“Is that a wolf?” Hunk chimed in.

“Where did you come from?!”

These weren’t exactly the questions Lance had imagined earlier. Clearly, there was a much needed explanation here, which Keith offered. But all Lance could think about was that Keith brought back two beautiful girls and both of them were probably his girlfriends. Right?  _And I thought I was the ladies’ man. I didn’t know Keith had a thing for cougars. I mean, he does look older now, so of course that means, y’know, that he’d attract older women. Wait, is that a mullet?_ Lance looks back at Keith. _Keith has a mullet._

His attention refocused at the sound of Allura’s name. “She said Allura’s with him. We can’t risk hurting her!”

“Why are we even attacking?” Hunk asked.

“Everyone, calm down. When they return, we’ll get this all sorted out,” Shiro stated.

In the meantime, everyone listened to the explanation Keith offered. Turns out, Lance was wildly mistaken. The Galran is Keith’s mother, so at least something good came from his ~~abandonment~~ leaving. Lance was happy. Genuinely happy for Keith, and he had questions for Krolia too! Like what was Keith like as a baby? Why did you leave him? Did he have a mullet when he was born? Do all Galrans have Mullets? _No, Sendak didn’t have one. Zarkon always had that helment. Kolivan had a long braid. So, it must run in the family then._ Did your parents have mullets? Was he purple when he was born? Was he born or hatched? How does having sex with a human work? _Okay, maybe that last one is too personal_. Is Romelle his girlfriend? Lance shakes his head, what was he going to do if she was?

What was he going to do if she wasn’t?

He has never been the type to do rebounds. He tried once, just to know what it was like, but it just felt shitty. And even if he was, he definitely wasn’t about to shack it up with the only other female Altean they’ve ever met. She could be like a real gal pal for Allura, someone to talk about Altean culture and music and do face masks with and gush about crushes. Someone to talk to Altean _in_. And Lance definitely could not be that gal pal. But Romelle could, and Lance wasn’t going to deprive Allura of that.

* * *

Shit deepened.

Lotor was kidnapped by Shiro.

 _As unbelievable as that sounds_ , Lance thinks.

There was no hesitation in jumping into their lions to chase after him. In Red’s cockpit, Lance thought that there was something a little thrilling about being back in the fight again. Being back in Voltron. Maybe it was Keith. Keith had changed. The emotionally-constipated, self-doubting red paladin was gone and in his place was an equally emotionally-constipated, but confident black paladin. In comparison, Lance fell short, but he felt inspired and motivated by Keith, ready to live up to be on his par. Ready to feel alive again.

And then Keith got separated chasing after Shiro.

Why were they always losing their black paladins?

_Why are they always leaving us?_

But they had their orders to go back to the castle, there wasn’t much they can do now. And if It wasn’t bad enough that their lions were badly injured and that no healing pod could fit them, the castle was malfunctioning.

It started shutting down.

Pidge had to activate a kill-switch on Shiro. 

Pidge had installed a kill-switch. And Lance lingered on that one thought, imagining her sitting in the tech room with him and Hunk, all of them debating which is better, Star Trek or Star Wars, while she created a kill-switch for Shiro’s arm. Her face when she had to explain what she had done…. It’s going to haunt him forever.

Some hours later, the crew were just about ready to jumpstart the castle, when Lance had to call the princess’s focus back to the ship.

“Allura, are you okay? You seem a little distracted,” Lance asked worriedly. When Allura answered, he thought that if he could go back, if he could somehow make it so that Lotor hadn’t done all those things,  hadn’t broken Allura’s trust, he would. And maybe then Allura wouldn’t be standing before him, doubting and blaming herself for everything that has gone wrong. But all he could offer were words, so he did.

“Allura, it wasn’t just you who trusted Lotor. We all did. I had more reason than anyone not to trust him, but he did everything right. It wasn’t just you, he fooled us all.” In the next moment, he’s being hugged and the princess is crying into his shoulder and it hurts. It hurts that she’s holding him this close, showing him affection and trust, and he knows that it’s not romantic in any way. And it hurts. He sinks into the hug. “Let me tell you. As someone who’s made a million mistakes, all you can do is get up and try to make it right. You can’t doubt yourself now. We need you. The universe needs you.” He means what he says to the princess, that they need her, the universe needs her, and they can’t afford for her to lose faith in herself. But as the words leave him, Lance can’t help but feel the emptiness of it. Just a movement or two ago, he had needed these words and no one was there to offer them. To say them now and know that he wouldn’t believe it if it was meant for him, it felt wrong. 

But now was hardly the time to bring any of this up, so when Keith contacted them, he felt relief that he didn’t have to say any more words that felt wrong. In exchange came more perplexing news. On top of the clusterfuck they’re already in, Shiro, the Shiro who kidnapped Lotor, was a clone. _But that would mean…_ Lance didn’t want to think about it because more questions would pop-up and now was not the time. Lotor was coming and they needed to defend the quintessence field, which wasn’t easy as Hunk so graciously pointed out, “The last time we fought Lotor, we had five ships and Lotor had two, and he still kicked out butts. This time, he’s gonna have three ships and we’re only gonna have four. Does - does anyone else see where I’m going with this?”

It was not easy. Not even with Keith. Not even with Voltron. They were getting their asses beat at every corner. And to make it worse, the only way they survived the fight was to abandon Lotor in the quintessence field, and now there’s a whole new mess of problems. One that can only be fixed by sacrificing the castle - their home. 

It’s selfish, Lance knows, but he’s thankful that he doesn’t have time to think. He’s sent to help Coran and Pidge download necessary information from the castle before they start evacuating. Then he’s cleaning out his room and dragging Kaltenecker into Red’s cockpit. He realizes that he doesn’t have that much more than Keith. It’s just his suits, clothes, Kaltenecker, stuff he’s bought from the Space Mall, and a picture of his family that Pidge helped manufacture from their mind melds. Without the Castle of Lions, he feels like he’s lost another home. He supposes that as a paladin, a defender of the universe, he has to get used to losing things. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish I could go more in depth about how hurt Lance got when Keith just ignores him, but maybe another fic. Maybe something angstier, but I wanted Lance to have some shimmer of happiness this chapter.


	3. Revival and Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiro's revival and Lance's guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said this was lance-centric, but there's a surprise at the end!

They had stopped to fix Shiro. No one knew what was wrong with him except for Keith and, up until now, he only provided minimal information. Keith had carried Shiro by himself and tenderly laid him down on the ground. One hand holding his while the other cradled his head. Lance had never seen Keith so gentle before, carefully holding Shiro’s body like it was glass. Like it hadn’t sustained numerous injuries. Like it doesn’t house hundreds of scars. This only made Lance dread whatever was next. How bad was Shiro that Keith, literally the least gentle person he knew (other than himself), would treat him so carefully?

“This body’s barely living, but Shiro’s spirit is alive. It’s inside the black lion. I’ve heard him talking to me,” Keith explained, cradling Shiro’s head.

Lance stiffened. _This is my fault_. “He…he tried to tell me, but I-I didn’t realize.” _This is my fault. This is my fault. This is my fault. This is my fault. This is my fault._ Voice cracking and tears welling, he falls forward. _This is my fault._  “I’m so sorry Shiro! I-I didn’t know. I-I could have…” but he knows there’s no forgiveness in the black paladin. He was lifeless in front of him, a damning confirmation of the iteration in his head. Lance can’t stop the tears now, but he squeezes his eyes to try anyway, hands curling, clutching the dirt, but its softness only enrages him. Keith should punch him. Keith should beat the living shit out of him. Right now. In front of everyone. This was his fault. He was the red paladin for god’s sake, he should have done something. If Keith had been there, he would have figured it out - he wouldn’t have let it go. Keith wouldn’t have just abandoned Shiro like Lance did. The one and only person Keith had ever loved was Shiro and now, because of him, he’s gone.

Lance doesn’t open his eyes. He doesn’t want to see the expressions on their faces because surely they must have also come to the same conclusion as he did.  He feels like someone should punish him for his mistake, so someone’s hands lands on his shoulder, Lance flinches. It’s not the rough fists he expects, but a gentle, understanding touch. He looks at Allura, but she doesn’t say anything. She stands up and places her hands flat on the black lion. Lance doesn’t understand what’s happening, but he’s staring, mouth open. He doesn’t want to look away, and even if he did, he doesn’t think he could. The lion is glowing, and when Allura turns to face them, she is too. She’s breathtaking and nothing short of a goddess, glowing in hues of purples and pinks. She’s reminiscence of Messier 81 and Lance thinks that his knowledge of galaxies and constellations are only beneficial to service moments like these.

All of their eyes are trained on Allura even when she kneels over Shiro. In one moment, she was glowing and in the next, Shiro had absorbed all of it. Hair turning white, eyes opened wide, he lurches forward, gasping for air like he’d drowned before he collapses onto Keith. The lions make a show of it, celebrating Shiro’s return. He wants to join but the tears won’t stop flowing, and Lance doesn’t know if he’s mourning Shiro’ death or rejoicing in his resurrection. He’s relieved that Shiro’s back all the same.

 _Shiro’s alive, he’s going to be okay_.

Everyone is happy.

Keith is happy.

Somewhere in the back, Hunk and Coran are rejoicing.

Keith is smiling at all of them before Shiro regains consciousness and says something. Lance it too far to hear what Shiro is saying but it doesn’t last long before he falls asleep again. They sit in silence for a moment, before Hunk brings up their predicament.

“So what are we gonna do? The Castle is destroyed.”

Pidge is the one who offers a solution, which isn’t a surprise. “There’s only one place that has the plans necessary to build a replacement for the Castle of Lions. Coran gave them to my dad.”

 _Home._ Lance can’t think of anything else and that single word lifts him up enough to smile.

“We’re going home.”

* * *

Going home wasn’t easy… or fast, apparently. Pidge and Coran were going over the space maps to find the quickest route. Seeing as they no longer had a castle to wormhole nor did they have the ability to hyper drive, they had to find a route that would allow them enough stopovers to rest. It was going to a be a long journey.

Lance… well Lance was worried. He’s relieved that Shiro’s going to be okay, but he can’t shake this fear. He doesn’t know how Shiro is going to react to him. _Is he going to hate me? Blame me? Kick me off Voltron?_ Lance knows now that Clone Shiro wasn’t the Real Shiro. Real Shiro wasn’t the one who’d been snapping and berating him for the past movements, phoebs, deca-phoebs – there was no way of telling how long Real Shiro’s been gone. The Shiro they had rescued from the garrison, had that been the Real Shiro? Or was it a clone. It hurt to think about it, so Lance often fell back on the thought of home. The scorching sand, the bipolar weather, the Keys. He goes over a mental map of his hometown just to reaffirm that it’s still home. He wonders how far away they are from their own galaxy. Could it be light years? It must be, Lance doesn’t recognize any of the constellations or planets. There’s no way of telling how far away they are, much less how long it would take for them to reach Earth.

“Given the speed of the lions and the estimated distance of Earth from our current location, it should take three phoebs,” Pidge informed them, coming out after three hours in her lion with Coran.

_Okay, so there’s one way of telling._

“But I want to stop and get Matt first,” she continued, eyes narrowed in determination. “Coran has a copy of the plans, so you guys can go ahead first, but I’m not leaving without him.” There was no stopping or convincing her otherwise, and after all being reunited, there was no way in hell they were going to let her go alone.

“Pidge, we’re going with you.” Keith was smiling.

“Yeah!” Hunk agreed enthusiastically. “We left together, we should all return together. Besides, we can probably get some provisions while we’re there. We’ll need it if it’s going to take us that long to get to Earth. And Matt would probably like to know Shiro’s back – right?”

And suddenly no one was speaking.

Hunk was confused and the worry showed on his face. “Did – did I say something weird?”

“No,” Keith sighed. “It’s just… Shiro doesn’t know Matt’s alive.”

“- and Matt doesn’t know that Shiro, y’know…” It was hard to finish that sentence, because how do you tell your brother than his best friend was really dead and that he had been talking to a clone, but Keith killed the clone and Allura put Shiro’s soul in the clone’s body. Was there a card for that? Pidge considers making one. She and Keith exchange glances and ultimately resolve it in a shrug. Shiro and Matt can sort that out later.

It’ll take two weeks to get to Matt. Pidge had already done the calculations and set a course before coming out. Allura and Keith decide that they can leave tomorrow, but tonight, they’ll make camp here and rest. So much has happened and between Keith’s return, Lotor, the Castle malfunction, Shiro-Clone thing, Lotor again, sacrificing the Castle , and Shiro’s resurrection, they could all use a break.

The break consisted of a lot story-telling. Mostly on Romelle’s part. They learned a lot of the missing pieces in Altean history: how they survived after Zarkon’s attack, how they divided themselves and travelled to different sectors, how they disguised themselves to avoid detection. “We had to. There was a bounty reward for any Alteans for the first hundred deca-phoebs – dead or alive. If we hadn’t separated, it would only take one mistake, and we would all have died. Eventually, they announced that Alteans were an extinct race. We were safe from suspicion, but we still had to hide our heritage… our culture. We were never truly safe.” Romelle’s voice was soft and melodic as she continued. Eventually, they were able to connect to the other divisions, and an underground community of Alteans had emerged. Lotor had found them. Had hid them. “He was charismatic. And gentle… and most importantly, Altean. We were hesitant to trust him – everyone knew he was Zarkon’s son. Everyone also knew that Zarkon hardly thought of him as one. But he promised to unite everyone. To create a haven where families could be together, where we can stop hiding, where we can don our marks again, celebrate our customs, speak in Altean. Who could say no?”

It had gotten late by the time she drew her story to an end. Hunk was the first to pass out, loud snores a testament of the exhausting day they’ve had. Pidge retreated into the green lion followed by Krolia, who requested to borrow her radio to send a message to the Blade. Allura and Coran continued talking to Romelle, asking more in-depth questions, especially that of their families. Keith was probably with Shiro. Which left Lance, atop his lion. He’s exhausted, and he wants nothing more than to sleep, envious of Hunk’s inconsiderate snoring. He can’t help but mentally rummage through the past few months for any more clues that Shiro was a clone. It’s making him restless, so he decides to forego sleeping.

Sleeping bag tucked under his arm, he enters Pidge’s lion. She’s sitting on her pilot chair, tapping away at her laptop. “Hey, Pidge. Is Krolia –“

“In the back,” she replied swiftly, a space puffle rising from its position on her head.

Lance approached Krolia, sleeping bag extended. “I don’t think you have one yet, so you can have mine,” he offers sheepishly, rubbing that back of his neck. He thinks that it’s almost like offering flowers to your girlfriend’s mother. _Or, in this case, boyfriend_. He hears Pidge snickering in the back.

Krolia looks at it hesitantly, before taking it. “Thank you, um-“

“Lance.”

“Lance. It’s probably better I give it to Romelle-“

“Keith’s already given his.”

“Oh, well then thank you,” she smiles. “Pidge says you knew Keith before Voltron.”

Lance would hardly say that. He knew Keith from the perspective of Iverson. “Uh, yeah, a little. He– he’s strong, y’know, and smart! Like super smart, best of best smart. He had the best pilot records, no one could beat them – not even me. They were better than anyone’s, better than Shiro’s even – which is amazing because Shiro was- is a legend. Everyone knows who he is, and then out of nowhere comes Keith breaking records and stuff. He’s one of the best pilots I know.” Lance coughs when he hears himself. He’s sure that Pidge will never let him live this down. “So, yeah…”

 Lance is too embarrassed to look at Krolia, so he doesn’t know what expression she’s making when she says, “Thank you, Lance.” He just nods his head and makes a quick exit without looking at Pidge either because he knows she’ll be looking at him with that evil, all-knowing smile on her face.

He gets maybe two hours of sleep that night.

* * *

Compared to Keith’s previous living arrangements, the sleeping bag is a huge improvement. Or it would have been, had he not offered it to Romelle. This is confirmation that they’re going out Lance decides. Keith thinks it’s only practical; he’s got his space wolf if he needs warmth and he’d been sleeping on the ground for the past two years, what is a couple more nights? Besides, he planned to spend the rest of the night next to Shiro. Planned being the key word. After several of hours, he’s restless and needs to stretch his legs. He misses the training deck, but with the Castle gone and no one to spar with, he settles for walking Yorak for a little bit. It seems everyone had gone to bed, except for Pidge’s lion, whose eyes are still lit up. Keith walks towards the red lion just to greet her. He is clearly no longer its paladin, but Keith can still feel the bond between them and wonders if Lance can feel it too.

Yorak nudges him forward, and they continue with their walk. Keith thinks about going back to Earth. In the past, he’d hardly call it home but it’s where he and Shiro met and he thinks that home is an appropriate word for it. He wants to ask Krolia if she’s coming along. They have not discussed it yet, but he thinks that she might want to visit his dad. _I’m not leaving you again._ Keith shudders, remembering the look in her eyes. It is the same look Pidge has when she got a lead on Matt. There is nothing he can do if that is her resolved, and he is a little happy about this fact. Even though he has been gone for two years, Keith cannot find it in himself to feel anything but grateful for the time he was given to spend with his mom, away from the pressure of the war. He has imagined meeting her so many times before – what he would do, what he would say, if he would hug her or call her mom. He is still a little uncomfortable with the title, but discomfort is better than resentment.  Having those two years where he can take his time getting to know her and dealing with his own emotions - it was liberating. He has come a long way from who he used to be on Earth. He wants to tell Shiro this, wants to tell him everything about those two years. About Krolia. About his dad. About Yorak, and how he kind of looks like Shiro. But mostly, he just wants to talk to Shiro. He can’t wait and heads back to his lion, in case Shiro wakes up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really sorry, everything i write is trash.
> 
> critiques? i'd like some.


	4. Confessions of an Insomniac

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith and Lance take Yorak out for a walk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not sure what to say.

It’s been a little over a week according to Pidge. They are ahead of schedule and are likely to reach Matt within the next couple of days or so, but Pidge is restless and excited so they only take stops when needed, mostly to sleep. They have made a habit of packing food during their dinners to eat whilst on the trip in order to prevent any delays.

They make it three days shy of two weeks. Pidge had tackled Matt to the ground and they had pretended to wrestle before Pidge had dragged Matt back to them. Lance thinks that that’s what it would have looked like if Shiro had been himself when Keith came back. _Well, maybe not exactly. They wouldn’t have wrestled, but if they did, Shiro would win._ Lance mentally runs some logistics. Keith is taller, stronger, and grizzled now. _It could be anyone’s game, really._

“Where’s Shiro?” They all froze.

Shiro had yet to wake up. Allura and Coran explained to them a few days earlier that transferring a living, thriving essence had never been done before, at least to their knowledge, and of course complications will arise. Also, given that it is a clone body, one of which its manufacture is still a mystery, it only makes sense that Shiro could be asleep for some time in order to process-

“So he’s in a coma – that’s what you’re telling me,” Keith had asked, voice slightly raised in indignation.

“Yes, but Keith, do not lose hope. I am positive that Shiro will be okay and will be, more or less, the same Shiro that you know. It may just take a while for him to wake up.” Allura was hopeful, she has to be. Shiro had supported her as a paladin before anyone else, and she knew that her father would have been proud that the future of Voltron fell to such capable hands and such a kind-hearted leader. She cannot believe that after everything that has happened, that this is his fate. His essence would not have been saved otherwise. “Essence transference, much less into a clone’s body with its own consciousness… it is not a science or an art, Keith - it’s unfounded. We must be patient.” Almost like a prayer, she softly added, “Please, be patient.”

They tried to relay this all back to Matt, who asked so many questions, he got confused so they have to explain it twice. Matt had only nodded, Shiro was in a resurrection coma and had been for at least a weak. He was hardly a doctor, nor did he have the knowledge of one, much less space-medical knowledge. Instead, he approached Keith and, after the initial shock of his vastly different appearance, asked how he was doing.

Keith knows he is not alone. He knows that the people he is with– Allura, Coran, Pidge, Hunk, Lance, and now Matt- they must also be holding their breath, so he reminds himself to be patient. Krolia and Romelle might not know Shiro, but they understand the gravity of his role in the lives of their companions, and they offer any comfort they can provide, but there is only so much that can be done to ease the mind.

Romelle decides to stay with the rebel group. “I would be of more use here, but I thank you for your help and kindness these past few movements. Princess Allura, Coran, I am honored to have met you. I know this journey has been short, but when we see each other again, I hope we are not strangers.” Allura and Coran both returned similar sentiments, evidently saddened by parting with the only other Altean they know. “Krolia and Keith, I cannot express to you my gratitude for everything that you have done for not just me and my family, but for all surviving Alteans. I hope next time we meet, it is under better circumstances.” Krolia and Keith only nodded in acknowledgment. Lance had expected Romelle and Keith to have a more intimate goodbye, but then again, maybe they already did.

They decide to leave two quintants later, after restocking their provisions, tuning their lions, and getting sleep on anything other than the cold, hard surface of their lions or wherever they landed.

Lance is not sleeping, and no amount of facial goo masks can hide his tired and sunken eyes. It helps that their schedule allows him to avoid the others for a majority of the time. It is not as convenient as Pidge’s previous schedule, but stops are still limited to two a quintant. When he is not inside the lion, he spends most of his time on top of it, looking at the vast blackness of space. Hardly any stars to look at when you are amongst them, so he mostly thinks about home, his family. Sometimes, he drafts apology speeches in his head for when Shiro wakes up. He thinks of Keith more too. Maybe it the dramatic summer make-over and Lance’s latent bisexuality, but Keith keeps finding his way into Lance’s thoughts. Lance thinks that they were friends when he had left. He considered them friends anyway. He would _definitely_ call them friends. But now… now, it feels like it did back when they rescued Shiro the first time. _Who are you?_ It stung, almost as much as Keith’s return did _. I don’t have time for this, Lance._ To have been friends and then pushed aside - it sucked. It felt like shit. It felt like regression. Like rejection. He knows now what it was like to be Keith’s friend, to see a softness to him, to know the best and the worst parts of him. And now, it was all taken back. _I don’t have time for you, Lance._

“But then again, who does anymore?” he whispers to himself, and in the ungodly hours of the night, only Red can hear him. Lance decides that that’s enough self-pity. He should at least try to catch some sleep. He succeeds only for a little while before he feels something from Red. He feels a sort of longing but brushes it off because he really needs sleep. Really, really needs it.

 _It’s not going away, what the quiznak-_ Lance shuffles over to look down on the ground. “Oh, it’s you.”

Keith cranes his head up and Lance is peering over the edge of Red’s nose.

Keith had gotten into the habit of taking walks with Yorak late at night. He remembered that dogs are supposed to have long walks and given with how much time they’ve been spending inside their lions, he thinks they can both benefit from it. He’s made a habit of stopping at Red’s again, wonders why he feels her tugging at him whenever he’s walking by.

“It’s me,” Keith confirms. “I’m taking Yorak for a walk.”

Lance eyebrows knits in confusion. “He’s a space wolf that can teleport. Also, Yorak?”

“It’s Galran,” is the only explanation he can offer. They are quiet for a while and Keith thinks that having a conversation like this is hurting his neck, so it’s better if he just goes on with his walk. When he turns around, there’s a loud _thump!_ behind him. Lance is there and even in the cover of night, Keith can see the deep shadows under his eyes. “Lance, are you okay?”

The paladin is dusting himself off. “Yeah, I’ve fallen from higher places, y’know. You should really see me-“

“No, I mean your eyes. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

Lance reaches up to massage around his eyes. “I feel fine, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Why are you out on a walk this late?”

“It’s the only time I can walk him.” Lance is kneeling beside him, letting Yorak sniff and lick all over his hands. “And it helps me sleep. Lance, have you been getting enough sleep?”

Lance isn’t answering him, preoccupied by cooing and praising Yorak. “Who’s a good space wolf, huh? Taking your paladin out for his daily walks, what a good boy!” Keith realizes this is the first time he’s heard Lance joke, and something feels wrong about that information.

“Do you want to come with us?” Keith offers because, contrary to Lance’s earlier statement, he thinks the  paladin could use some tiring out. Lance doesn’t say anything, just stands up and starts walking, so Keith follows him.

“Does he know any tricks?”

“Not really. I tried teaching him fetch. Oh, wait, he knows paw.”

“Aw, what a good boy!”

Keith scoffs. “That’s the standard of being a good boy? Knowing one trick? What low standards.”

Lands scoffs in return and rolls his eyes. “Don’t listen to him, Yorak. You’re a beautiful, good boy!”

It is Keith’s turn to roll his eyes, but he’s smiling. He looks at Lance again to see any difference since he left, but the only thing he can look at is his eyes because those are undoubtedly heavy bags underneath them. “Lance, are you really okay? You can tell me, you know. We’re friends.” He walks a few more steps before realizing Lance had stopped. He turns back and looks at the paladin whose eyes are wide and unblinking. Yorak is right next to him, nestled under his palm. It’s shock that’s written on his face. Shock and something else.

“We are?”

Keith thinks it is a stupid question, but he can tell Lance is genuinely asking. “Yeah. We are.” Smiling, he jokingly adds, “Unless you’ve one-sidedly decided that we’re rivals again.” There’s a pause, and then Lance is laughing. A good, solid, full-body laugh. The one where his shoulders shake and he has to hug himself. Keith realizes this is also the first time he’s heard Lance laugh since his return. It’s a good look on Lance.

When Lance regains his breath, he leans back a little to look at Keith. “You’ve really changed.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your jokes are funny now,” Lance smiles and it’s easy.

“My jokes have always been funny, fuck you.” And Lance is laughing again. Softer this time. Keith can hardly believe he hadn’t noticed before, and as they continue to walk, he recounts the past week. Lance not talking as much, not joking as much, making himself smaller. He’s been eating less. Keith had thought maybe the promise of Earth food had made space goo a little more unbearable, but maybe it was something else entirely. “I know I’ve been away for a while-”

“Two years apparently.”

“and where we left off…I know my leaving was bad timing, but we _are_ friends. And if something is bothering you, you can talk to me about it.”

Lance was quiet for a good while. Keith doesn’t think he will say anything now and considered changing the topic before the paladin spoke again. “It’s my fault.” Keith waits for an explanation, hoped there would be one because he was really fucking confused. _What was his fault?_ he wondered. Then Lance is looking at him. Eyes trained and voice steady, like it’s a conviction. “It’s my fault, Keith.” Lance lets out a quiet sigh and looks away “Shiro is in that stupid coma because of me. If-if you had been there… If I hadn’t made you leave… It’s my fault. If I had let you stayed as Red’s paladin, you would still have Shiro. He would be here, _right now._ ”

Keith is numb. He must be because he can’t feel fingers, legs, anything- but he’s still moving. He’s still walking alongside the paladin. Keith thinks that Lance can’t honestly believe in what he’s saying. He wants to tell Lance this, but his voice is trapped in his lungs and he can’t get the words out because all he can think about is _“It’s my fault, Keith.”_ And he knows that’s not right. That’s not true. It’s not Lance’s fault. But when the paladin turns to look at him, he suddenly stops. He can’t feel it, but Keith wonders what face he’s making because that expression Lance makes when he turns to him - it’s heartbreaking. 

Despite taking the responsibility and blame for Shiro’s current conditions, a small part of Lance still held some hope that someone would absolve him of it. Tell him it’s not his fault. _What a fucking idiot,_ Lance thinks, because that smile on Keith’s face is gone, along with his previously blue-gray eyes. In its stead is a deep, rich purple with the whites traditionally of Galran yellow. It reminds Lance of Louisiana Irises. Kim-something. _Kimballiae,_ Lance remembers _._ Although they’re more common in Louisiana, they also grow along western Florida. Lance hates that he remembers this because Keith is looking at him like he killed his brother ( _which I did_ , Lance thinks) and all he can think of is home.

Lance can feel something inside him break. He thinks its his ribcage collapsing because it’s painful and he can’t breathe. Keith isn’t moving either, so maybe his ribcage also collapsed. The paladin uses this as an excuse to go back to the lions, to ask for help because otherwise they’d both just be standing there with collapsed ribcages and who is that going to help. Yorak’s gentle nudge against his palm compels him to move, so Lance starts walking. He walks past Keith, past the green lion, the blue, the yellow, until he reaches Red.

Maybe it’s the midnight walk or maybe it’s the admission of guilt, but for the first time in weeks, he falls asleep easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this tomorrow because I wanted to space out the chapters, and stay ahead. I haven't even finished writing the next one and I still have to study for my aero exam on wednesday, but i just got so excited.
> 
> let me know what you think! what you love or hate about it.


	5. Faults, Fears, and Glow-in-the-Dark Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait.

Lance slept for two days. At some point, he had woken up momentarily due to the ruckus outside his Lion.

“Lance! Wake up!” Allura’s voice was demanding but soft, unlike her banging against Red.

“Allura, leave him alone, he hasn’t slept in a month.” There’s a pause in the banging and Lance was relieved.

“Hasn’t slept?! KEITH, he’s been asleep for almost two days - don’t encourage him!” The banging continued.

 “Don’t you wanna go back home? We’re already two days behind.” Pidge’s voice was more frustrated than furious.

“Well, technically we’re still on schedule. We got to Matt early, remember?” Hunk’s voice was calm unlike Allura’s and Pidge’s,  but Lance hated the noise all the same, wished he had headphones or that his helmet was noise cancelling. There’s more bickering and Matt and Pidge make a bet who can hack Lance’s lion faster. Hunk and Keith tell Allura that they’ll definitely leave tomorrow, even if they have to wake up Lance themselves. The three left soon after and finally, there’s quiet again. Lance returned to his sleep, hoping the next time he woke up, there’d be less yelling.

Next time, there’s no yelling at all. Lance wakes up intoxicated by his dream, thinking he’s back home but the hard surface and the red accents of the cockpit is a firm reminder of his lion. Consequently, it also reminds him of Keith, which helps bring his memories back into focus.

The paladin stays on his back, head pillowed by his forearm, the ceiling stretching over his vision. He misses the glow in the dark stars in his bedroom ceiling, how it only covered ¾ of the surface because he was overzealous when he got it and had clustered them together. It only came in pale green, but Lance knew stars are whites, blues, yellows, and oranges so he painted over the green and hoped they would still glow. They mostly did except for the blue had been too dark and came off duller than the others, but Lance thought that was fine. Not all stars shine bright.

He tries to remember other little things, like the hole in the bathroom wall because Marco had accidentally kicked through it when he was dancing post-shower concert or the violent whirring of the ceiling fan in the family room when they turned it up all the way during the summer or the smell of Veronica’s incense when she’s stressed and Lance wonders if that’s changed... what else has changed?

“Lance, buddy, are you alive?” Hunk’s voice is gentle and comforting. “You haven’t eaten in two days, I’ve got food and water.” Lance doesn’t reply. He considers going back to sleep but he’s fully awake now. “We’re all worried about you, buddy. Me, Allura, Coran – even Keith! Come on, let me in. I know you’re awake.”

He wonders if Hunk had maybe beaten Matt and Pidge and had hacked into Red, but Lance knows Red is unhackable. There’s no proof to back this statement, but Lance just knows so he’s a little curious how Hunk knows his awake. Maybe some kind of best-friend telepathy or maybe side effects from their mind melds. Still, Lance doesn’t answer him.

“If you don’t, I’ll come back with Keith to open Red-“

“I’m up! I’m up!” The red lion’s mouth lowers to let Hunk in. “Threatened by my own best friend- you’ve been spending too much time with Galrans.”

“Hey, that’s rude! They’re not all bad, I mean sure they’re really big on nationalism but some of them are – why am I… Lance, you’ve been asleep for almost two days dude. Are you okay?”

Lance wishes he had looked at his reflection to see if his eyes are still sunken to gauge whether lying would be worth it. He decides to gamble on it, he’s had two days’ worth of sleep so hopefully he looks better now. “I’m feeling a lot better. How’d you know I was awake?”

“I didn’t. That was my third try today. I almost had it memorized.”

“Where’s the food you promised?” Hunk smiles and offers up some skewered meat and other things. The red paladin gives it a suspicious look, but he’s too hungry to pass up food. As he eats, Lance considers telling Hunk something he’s been considering for the past month or so. He wants to tell somebody before telling the team, and sure, he’s got plenty of time before he’ll need to tell them but telling Hunk will ease some weight off his shoulders. And, honestly, if he can’t tell Hunk - his best friend, the most understanding person he knows, the person he trusts the most – then who can he tell? “Hunk, can I tell you something?”

The yellow paladin’s face is painted in concern. “Of course you can, Lance.”

“I’m scared to go home,” which isn’t what Lance had wanted to tell him, but it’s not a lie either. He mentally slaps himself but it’s too late to tell Hunk what he’d wanted to say. Or maybe it was too early. Maybe he needs more time to build his resolve.

His friend smiles. “I am, too.”

“We’ve been gone for so long. What if everything has changed?” Lance sneaks a look at him, and Hunk is looking at him with the warmest expression on his face and Lance is proud that this is his best friend and finds it  nothing short of a miracle that they’ve both shared the fate of being a paladin.

“Lance, you know your family loves you. No matter what’s happened, no matter what’s changed – that isn’t going to.” Lance feels comforted by Hunk’s words, even further comforted by the hug he’s given afterwards.

First, confessing to Keith. Second, confessing to Hunk. Maybe the only way he’ll start to feel like himself again is after he’s unloaded all his faults and fears. In the meantime, he’ll keep his anxiety caged and thinks about the glow-in-the-dark stars.

* * *

 

Keith starts to question whether those two years had happened and he’s actually still the emotionally uncontrollable teenager back at the garrison because why in the ever-loving fuck did he let Lance walk away like his silence was confirmation. It wasn’t. Lance had to know that. Keith wanted nothing more than to chase after him because of all people, he knew best what it felt like to self-assign blame for things that were not your fault. The verification of those two years being that it took him that long to understand that, so why did he not run after Lance? This is the question he keeps asking himself a week later.

That was a week ago, and Lance has managed to evade Keith at every turn. Well, not entirely. Lance is present and relatively normal when it came to dinners and group activities, but they only have those once a day which made avoiding the blade member easy. Keith considered telling the others but considered it wasn’t his place, so he decided an ambush was a fair tactic. Their next stop, he would ambush Lance and he would tell him.

But then Shiro woke up, gasping and heaving. Keith had almost crashed into Pidge as he scrambled to get to Shiro, almost forgetting to hit autopilot.

“Shiro? Shiro, are you okay?!” Through the comm, the others were asking about Shiro in frantic, excited voices. Keith couldn’t concentrate and chucked his helmet across the room to focus on the white-haired paladin.

“Keith?” Shiro’s voice was hoarse and it cracked. Before he could even consider getting water, Krolia was there, a pouch in hand.

“Thanks,” he murmured, bringing it to Shiro’s lips. He couldn’t talk for a while, so Keith had taken the time to tell the others that Shiro had woken up and that he’d let them know if anything else happened. “Shiro, are you okay? Don’t try to talk, just nod or shake.” Shiro nodded, then paused before patting and rubbing his stomach. “You’re hungry,” Keith chuckled. “Okay, well we’ve got some berries, some tree bark thing,  and not much else. One finger for berries, two for bark.” Shiro held up one. They let him eat and drink more before asking anymore questions. 

“Shiro, do you know where we are?” He received a dead-panned look in response. “Do you remember Krolia?” Shiro shifted his gaze to the Galran standing behind Keith. She doesn’t feel familiar, but he knows who she is. He goes to grab some pen and paper with his right hand, but he panics when there’s nothing there. He could have sworn he had a metal limb. Keith’s hands are on his shoulder, pushing him down when he starts thrashing. “Shiro! SHIRO! It’s okay!”

It takes two minutes to calm him down. Keith is hunched over, breathing heavily because it is no easy feat holding down the black paladin. “Your arm – we had to remove it for safety reasons. The Galrans had implanted a virus and it almost killed the Castle. If it wasn’t for Pidge, we wouldn’t be here. I’m sorry, Shiro, but we had to.” There’s a heavy, comforting hand on his shoulder and Keith looks up to see that Shiro is smiling and nodding like he understands. Part of Keith wishes he didn’t because otherwise, it would mean that Shiro remembered the fight, remembered trying to kill Keith, remembered telling him everything Keith ever feared.

Shiro motions for pen and paper, so Keith scrambles to find some. It takes a while because Keith can’t remember the last time he used some, let alone own them. When he does find some, he hands them over and watches the black paladin write. When Shiro finishes, Keith moves to reach for it but Shiro hands it to Krolia.

Krolia read it and she’s smiles at Shiro. “I’ve heard so much about you, Shiro. I’m glad you are okay.”

Keith catches a glimpse of the paper and recognizes Shiro’s chicken scratch. 

 _It’s nice to finally meet you_ ¸ it read.

“Shiro, do you remember what happened?” Keith asks.

Shiro tries talking, but the words come out strangled and broken. “I’m sorry, Keith. I know it wasn’t me, but you- you-” he’s coughing violently, but both blades think it’s a good sign that there’s no blood.

The younger blade shushes him, trying to keep him from talking because Shiro didn’t need to apologize for anything. “Stop talking, it’s okay. It’s not your fault, it’s not-”

But then Shiro’s hand is on his cheek, tracing the scar and Keith wants to lie and tell him he finally got his Galra marks but he’s still a little out of breath. “You’re not broken. You’re not worthless.” Keith wants to close his eyes, savor those words but all he does is soften under the paladin’s palm. He holds Shiro’s hand in his own, lets it linger on his wrists because even though he’s right in front of him, he could still disappear.

_You’re not broken._

_You’re not worthless_.

Keith knows it wasn’t Shiro. Those words hadn’t been Shiro’s words. It wasn’t even his voice. He didn’t think he needed Shiro to tell him that but hearing him say it made Keith feel light, like he’d been holding onto that moment, had locked it in chest, held it there as if it defined him. And he didn’t even know, but Shiro always knew, he always saw through him.

“I know.”

Keith can’t bring himself to say anything else, but in their silence they can hear tiny whispers from his helmet. He lets go of Shiro and slips from his hold to grab his helmet. He lets them know that Shiro is okay, but he can’t really talk. In hindsight, it would have made more sense for him to be in Blue where Coran and Allura could take care of him but it’s too late for that now.

“Should we make a stop, check on him or something?” Hunk asks.

“I have some medical supplies. It’s best we run some diagnostics as soon as we can. We don’t want to delay it in case something went wrong with the transference.” Allura’s words worried everyone. The coma had been enough of a panic, the thought that more problems would arise had them all tense.

Pidge and Matt informed them that there was a refugee outpost at a planetoid not extremely far, but it’ll take a few Vargas.

Keith is hesitant to go back into the pilot’s seat, but he knows Shiro would have told him to if he had his voice. _The faster we get to that outpost, the faster we can talk to Shiro_ , he thinks, and this motivates him to pilot the black lion.  For now, he’ll settle with listening to the one-sided conversation between his mom and Shiro, this morning’s ambush completely forgotten.

* * *

 

“Shiro’s awake, but his voice is hoarse and he's having trouble speaking. I’ll let you guys know if anything happens,” Keith had said before turning his comm off.

Lance is stiff in his seat. He tries to think of all the numerous drafts of apology he had mentally filed away but he can’t remember a single thing except for “I’m sorry”, and I’m sorry is hardly an apology. _I should have written them down,_ Lance laments, but it’s too late for I-should-have’s.

“Written what down?” Hunk asks.

“What?”

“You should have written what down?”

Pidge snickers, “Probably his love letter to Keith _. Oh, Keith- taller, cooler, grizzled_ -“

“Pidge!” Allura exclaims, and it’s almost the way Shiro would say it, but not quite.

Lance can’t focus on whatever conversation they’re having because he’s trying to remember his apologies. He can’t even feel embarrassed that they’re on an open channel, which means Keith could be listening, because none of that matters when Shiro’s awake and Lance can’t think. He mutes his comm and tries to concentrate.

_Patience yields focus._

_Patience yields focus._

_Patience yields focus._

“Why isn’t it yielding!” he stands up, maybe pacing will help.

It doesn’t, but it calms him down enough to remember that apologies come from the heart. His abuela taught him that, and he trusts his abuela more than himself right now. Since that night with Keith, Lance had finally come to terms with his guilt. He convinces himself that it’ll be around for a long time, so he lets it blanket him, gets comfy in it, drapes it over his head and around his shoulders.

 _It’s going to be okay,_ he tells himself because even if it really isn’t, he’s got earth to fall back on. He's got home to fall back on. Lance grips the controls of his lion tighter, closes his eyes, and uses glow-in-the-dark stars as his anchor home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont know.


	6. Absolution

According to Coran and Allura, Shiro didn’t have any physical side-effects, but it could be too early to tell. They had done some diagnoses, not at all like the ones Lance had seen and experienced on earth. There were no stethoscopes, no breathe-ins-breathe-outs, no coughs, none of that, and honestly, he didn’t really understand what they had done, but the questions they asked were more similar to what an human doctor would have asked.

Can you tell me who you are?

Do you know where you are?

Do you know what today is?

Do feel pain anywhere?

How about any discomfort?

Have you been getting migraines?

Then Shiro had said something about having memories that weren’t his. Allura had asked more questions but Lance had figured out pretty quickly that somehow Real Shiro had absorbed Clone Shiro’s memories. He wondered if Real Shiro would remember yelling at him but knew he would never asked, didn’t want to know. It wouldn’t matter, it doesn’t excuse his own mistakes.

When he regains focus, Lance finds himself staring off into the black paladin’s white hair ( _Or is it gray? It definitely isn’t as white as Allura’s, that’s for sure_ ). He tries to look somewhere else but finds that the only other person facing him is Keith, who was calm and collected like he hadn’t just carried Shiro into the blue lion’s cockpit all by himself, even when Hunk had reached forward to help, like he had made it his mission to carry this through by himself. _Maybe quite literally_ , Lance thought.

Lance had been ignoring Keith for a while. Avoiding is a more accurate term. He had been avoiding Keith for a while, a week or so at least, and was surprised to find that when his eyes landed on the Galran, that his eyes were also locked on his. Keith’s eyes are back to their bluish gray color, and Lance likes that they remind him of Florida storms during the summer. So much so, he doesn’t realize that Keith has looked away or that Allura and Coran were done with checking Shiro out or that they were all clambering forward to talk to Shiro, Matt in the front like they hadn’t seen each other since the Kerberos mission and Lance reminds himself that they really hadn’t.

He lingers in the back, hoping it would be more private when he makes his apology. He’ll wait however long he has to but not too long. He doesn’t want to seem cowardly or hesitant, and he isn’t. He knows this, so his back finds a wall to lean back on because everyone probably has a lot to tell Shiro; he certainly does.

Lance didn’t get a chance alone with Shiro that day or the next. On the following day, they had taken a short stop (some people couldn’t hold their bladder - Coran), but Shiro was still sleeping. He still slept a lot. Allura speculated that the reason was probably due to his new, additional set of memories. Shiro was probably still sorting through them which meant a lot of sleeping and a lot of migraines.  

They had been travelling for nine hours straight so Lance had taken the break to do some walking, Yorak trailing ahead of him. The space wolf had taken a liking towards not just him, but also Hunk, and occasionally opted for either of them when Keith and Krolia were busy. They were pretty far along their walk when Yorak had teleported out of Lance’s side. This wasn’t the first time Yorak had taken a walk with him nor the first time he’d teleported out of his sight, but the space wolf usually returned with something in his mouth a few minutes later. So Lance waited for him, ready to wrestle whatever he had out of his mouth but Yorak didn’t return in the next five minutes. Seven minutes. Twelve. Eighteen.

Lance is not panicking. He isn’t. He totally is not. His heart rate is just spiking rapidly and his breathing is labored and he was sweating. Not panicking. How was he going to tell Keith that on top of fucking over Shiro, he had also lost his first and only pet. _Is there anything I can do right?_ He calms himself long enough to form a plan – run. Just run around until he finds that teleporting heart attack. He’s running further away from the lions, calling out for Yorak when he has to take a break. He’s got a side stitch and has to crouch down to catch his breath. _For fuck’s sake, how am I going to find a magical space wolf?! I don’t even know his radius of teleportation, jesus._

“Lance!” _Of course. Of course Keith would come at this exact moment. I can’t catch a fucking break, can I. Fucking Murphy’s law._ Lance glares at the sky like it was the cause of all his problems. Hands still resting on his knees, he dips his head and tries to level his breathing. He’s greeted by the Keith’s feet before he reaches his eyes. _But it’s just as beautiful,_ Lance thinks jokingly and if he was in a flirting mood, or any other mood really, he’d tell Keith this.

“Oh, hey Keith,” Lance says cheerily like he hadn’t just lost his space wolf and was panicking about it, like he hadn’t spent the better part of the month avoiding him, like he was okay being hated by him.

 “It’s not your fault,” Keith is panting from trying to catch up to Lance, chest heaving up and down like there isn’t enough oxygen between the two of them. The paladin can’t help but be a little happy about this. _Looks like someone hasn’t worked on their cardio._

“What? I can’t understand you with all the heavy breathing,” Lance jokes.

Keith glares at him and takes a couple moments to catch his breath before standing straighter and squaring his shoulders. His eyes look more silvery blue than they do slate, there’s a hardness to them, almost like steel. In contrast, his voice is softer and warmer when he repeats, “It’s not your fault.”

“Thanks, Keith,” because Lance doesn’t really know what to say when he knows that’s a lie, but Keith’s face is telling him it’s not and he looks away from it.

Keith rolls his eyes but not in the joking manner like he had about a week ago. “Don’t thanks-Keith me. You’re clearly not convinced.” Keith takes a deep breath because there’s so much he wants to say, and he may have forgotten about the stupid ambush idea, but he definitely did not forget what he wanted to tell Lance. “I left because I wasn’t ready to be a leader and I would have been more useful in the Blade than with Voltron. You saw how reckless I was- I disregarded everyone when we were in battle, I didn’t even consider what you guys felt or thought. I just kept making stupidly impulsive decisions. If it wasn’t for you, I think a lot of our missions at the time would have ended worse. I don’t think you understand how important you are to the team, to me. I was lucky you were there, Lance. I was lucky Red chose _you_. You cleared my head when it was muddled with anger and revenge.

“I was unfit to be the black paladin. It just happened that at the same time we got Shiro back, the Blade needed me and I still had answers I was looking for. If I thought Voltron would have fallen apart without me, I wouldn’t have left.” Keith pauses, wants the words to soak in before continuing. “You underestimate yourself, which is something I never thought I’d say to our sharpshooter,” Keith lightly punches Lance’s shoulder.

“Ow,” Lance says absentmindedly, rubbing it even though it didn’t hurt.

“You hold the team together, Lance. Those movie nights and video game competitions. I may have hated all those Altean movies and lost at every video game, but in between the battles and the missions, the coalition, you gave us the feeling of being teenagers again, which we were. It’s hard to feel that way during a war, but it was easy with you.

“As for Shiro,” Keith sighed heavily. He thought a lot about Shiro since Allura reinstalled his soul. “There was no way anyone could have predicted what would happen.”

“Slav could.”

Keith laughs, and he thinks no amount of training could equate to the pain in his stomach. “You should tell Shiro that.”

“I’ll just tack that on at the end of my apology.”

“Lance, look at me,” Keith still has more to say but he doesn’t continue until Lance’s blue eyes are on his own. “Whatever it is you saw in the Astral Plane, it is not your fault. Whatever happened to Shiro is not your fault. I don’t blame you for any of it, and I wished you didn’t either.”

Maybe it’s the kind words or his emotional vulnerability or his latent homosexuality surfacing or the prolonged eye contact, but Lance thinks he could fall in love in this moment and there’s something dangerous about that.

“Thanks. Keith?”

“Yeah?”

“I lost Yorak.”

“Lance,” Keith groans in response.

* * *

 

Lance doesn’t get the chance to apologize for another two days. It almost felt like Shiro was still in a coma until he had woken up as they landed on another planet for the night. They had just finished the most delicious dinner they’ve had so far and everyone had started heading off to bed. Hunk, Pidge, Coran, and Krolia had all left. Allura was teasing Shiro, something about how he almost looked like a true Altean now, and they riff off that. Keith keeps glancing at him, but Lance keeps his eyes on his half-eaten food, everyone had finished theirs hours ago. Hunk had found some fish-like creatures and they roasted it over a fire. It looked weird but it was delicious; Lance just can’t bring himself to finish it. He decides to give it ten more bites before calling it a day and talking to Shiro tomorrow.

It takes seven more bites until Allura leaves and Keith somehow gets the hint and excuses himself under the pretense that his teleporting space wolf needs a walk before they go to sleep.

Lance lifts his head to look at Shiro. “Shiro, I-”

“I’m sorry, Lance.” The black paladin is looking at him now, eyebrows creased in worry.

Lance is speechless, can’t comprehend why Shiro is apologizing, much less for what. “I should be saying that. Why are _you_ saying that? _Fue mi culpa_ , Shiro – I let _you_ down. I was your right hand, your second in command. _Debería haber hecho más, debería haber ido hacia atrás y hablé con usted_. I’m so sorry. _Lo siento_ , Shiro _. Lo siento, lo siento, lo siento mucho_.” It doesn’t register to the him that he’s talking fast until he’s run out of breath and has to take a huge gulp of breath.

“Lance.” His voice is firm but warm. “Lance, look at me.” It’s the second time this week someone is asking for his attention and he doesn’t know why he’s making a note of it. Shiro’s thumb is on his cheek and he can feel the coolness of his fingers on the back of his neck, maintaining their eye contact. It isn’t until Shiro swipes his thumb across that Lance realizes he’s wiping away his tears. “It’s not your fault.”

“Did Keith tell you that?”

“Keith?” Shiro asks.

Lance shakes his head. “Nothing.”

Shiro takes Lance’s food from his hands and holds it over the fire. “You know, I was there… when you guys were figuring out who was going to pilot the black lion.”

A violent blush creeps up on Lance’s face. He can feel his cheeks and his ears burning, the heat travelling down his neck and he thinks he might have swallowed it because he feels it in his stomach. “O-oh yeah?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you, y’know.”

Lance sighs; there’s no point in hiding it from Shiro. He must have seen everything. “Isn’t there?”

“You’re perceptive, Lance. You’re very in tune with the team and what they need. At the time, the team… it was fragmented. I was gone, I couldn’t be there to hold them together. I couldn’t be there to talk to Keith about being Galran. I couldn’t be there to talk to Pidge about Matt. I couldn’t be there for Allura after her battle with Haggar. But you, you mold yourself into what they need – a friend, a brother, a leader, a confidant. I have no doubt that you would make a great paladin for the black lion, Lance. You’re a valuable member of Voltron but you’re even more valuable as our friend and I’m sorry if I made you feel anything less.”

Lance had thought he’d stopped crying, but the wet, blurry vision of Shiro roasting his food is a clear indication that he hasn’t. “It wasn’t you.”

“I know,” Shiro smiles before taking a huge bite of his dinner. They stay that way, Lance sitting there as Shiro continues eating. The former thinks that with each passing confession, he definitely feels more and more like himself. Like he can be that kid again, that boy from Cuba who didn’t have to struggle to be happy, but there’s still one last thing he thinks he needs to talk about.

“Shiro, do you remember anything about the Omega Shield?”

He didn’t like thinking about it. He had spent months of sleepless nights partially afraid that he’d be back there, back in that void that Allura had pulled him out of. That wasn’t even the scary part. The scary part was that no one had cared afterwards; it didn’t matter. It was that paired with Allura and Lotor, Pidge and Hunk, Coran and the Castle that drove it into him – he didn’t matter. No one spoke to him about it. No one brought it up. He had to shoulder all the pain himself, but he wants to let it go, and if there was anyone he could talk to about it, it would be Shiro, the guy who died and came back to life. He’d know, he’d understand.

“Just from the other Shiro’s perspective, which was mostly hazy once Pidge and I got to the station’s power system. What happened?” Lance didn’t know he was holding his breath. Maybe it would have hurt more if Shiro did know and didn’t bother talking to him about it, but he’s glad he doesn’t have to know.

 Lance considers telling Shiro, but he’s already got Clone Shiro’s memories to sort through, so he refrains from mentioning it. Instead, he shakes his head smiling, “Hunk was just a total boss. You should have seen him! He was totally on top of it, I’ve never seen him like that before.” They spend another hour or two talking about team bonding things that Real Shiro and Clone Shiro missed out on, sharing some theories about baby Keith, and exchanging information that Krolia had given them before Shiro had called it a night.

Lance heads back to his lion, still a little rest less. He finds Keith by Red’s paw, leaning against Yorak. “How did it go, your apology?”

“He apologized to me.”

“Classic Shiro.”

“And then I was apologizing back, at some point I started speaking Spanish, but it was good.”

Keith smirked, “Is he still your hero?”

Lance sat next to him. “Yeah, is he still yours?”

“Takashi Shirogane? The pride and joy of the garrison? The living legend? My hero? Pffffft. ” He scoffs, but Lance can see the corner of his lips turned up. “Yeah, he is,” he confesses quietly.

It's probably Shiro liberating him from his guilt that has Lance feeling weightless, but he can acknowledge how gay he might be for Keith now. He's not dealing with five other problems anymore, just his crippling mortality, his sexual awakening, and maybe just some existential crises here and there, so maybe a relationship with the blade member isn't so far from his grasp because there's an undeniable attraction between them. And holy shit is he attracted. _Holy shit, I am so attracted. I should tell him. Is it okay to tell him? I like him so fucking much. I should definitely tell him, he’d want to know. He should know. Dios mío._ And then it hits him. _Do I like him, do I really like him, or do I just like him because he’s the only paying attention to me?_ Lance internally curses because he was so ready to lean forward and kiss Keith, but the young blade deserves more than a half-assed crush.

“Lance.”

“What?”

“You’re staring.”

It takes Lance a while to register that Keith was staring back now and he looks away promptly. “That’s funny cause I don’t remember calling you out for staring at me earlier… Or a couple of days ago.”

Keith brings his knees up and slumps forward them and from Lance’s perspective, it makes him look like a kid, not at all like the 20-yr-old Keith who had come back taller and more bad ass with a space wolf and his mom. “What happened at the Omega Shield?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate that i write such short chapters but I suck at organizing the plot and stuff. 
> 
> Also, I'd like to apologize for not putting more spanish in. One of my favorite things is when bilingual people start talking in their native tongue when they get really strong emotions. Like that one scene from Parent Trap where annie was pretending to be hallie and then she was yelling at her dad or jessie or something and then she slips into a different language and she's like oh I learned that at camp no biggie. Someone tell me they remember that scene because I loved that scene. 
> 
> translations:  
> “I should be saying that. Why are you saying that? It was my fault, Shiro – I let you down. I was your right hand, your second in command. I should have done more, I should have gone back and talked with you. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Shiro. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
> 
> sorry if the spanish sucks.


	7. There Are No 401K's In Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the kogane's are out here breaking hearts and making jokes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, yorak is in every scene and that's on purpose
> 
> this got deleted like twice because i'm stupid.

How do you tell someone that you’re butthurt that no cared that you died without seeming attention starved? Lance sure as hell had no answer for this. He could always just play Keith’s question off like he did with Shiro and maybe brag about Hunk’s leadership skills because he could never do enough of that, but with Keith looking at him so earnestly, cheek resting on his knees, arms hugging them close…

“I died.” Or that. He could do that. This is the first time he’s said it out loud, he realizes, and he can’t take it back, can’t deny it anymore. It’s out there now. There were witnesses.  Keith had heard him. Yorak had heard him. Red had heard him.

“What?” Keith lifts his head from his knees to look at the paladin clearly.

He looks at Keith, who is staring at him with those eyes and it’s a different blue than his own; it’s better, and he finds a little more courage to say it again. “I died, Keith.” It’s freeing repeating it a second time. “Allura was about to be hit by the radiation belt so Red and I, we pushed her out of the way, and we got hit instead. Allura brought me back to life, but…” Should he say it? Will it be the same as admitting he died? Will it make it true?

“Lance.” Lance isn’t answering; he’s just staring at Keith. “But what, Lance.” It’s hardly a question, falling between a reminder and a demand.

“No one cared.” Lance exhales, it feels good to admit it. _God, I sound like a recovering addict._ “Did you know supernovas die if it loses matter.”  

“What?” It’s a question Keith is asking a lot these days, but he thinks it’s justified this time around; it just didn’t make sense. Everyone cared about Lance. Lance was their sharpshooter. Lance was their friend. When he had gotten hurt from Sendak’s attack, they had all waited outside his healing pod for hours. Hunk and Pidge had fussed over him. _I can’t tell if he looks healthy or not. I think he’s breathing weird._ Even the princess had been worried. Of course they cared. How could Lance doubt that? Why would Lance doubt that?”

“We, uh, we went back to Lotor. He and Allura continued working on the quintessence field ship thing. Hunk and Pidge were working on the Galra shields. And Shiro… well, I wasn’t Shiro’s favorite person at the time. Everything else was more important, I guess. I just felt really dispensable- quiznak am I crying again?” The bitter taste of his tears is the only confirmation he receives. “Shit, sorry. Give me a tick.” Lance furiously drills the palm of his hands into his eyes but it doesn’t make it better. It’s made it worse, his eyes are red and irritated and they itch. _This is so typical, I wanted to pour my fucking heart out. Not my goddamn eyes, holy quiznak_.  

“Did you tell anyone?” the blade whispers and Lance almost mistakes it for the wind except there is no wind. They are on barren land.

“And say what - ‘Doesn’t anyone care that I died?’” It’s uncharacteristic of Lance. This kind of wavering confidence.

“Don’t mock yourself like that, Lance. I care. I care that you died and I’m fucking upset. I’m upset that you’ve convinced yourself that you’ll always come in second to everything else. I’m upset that you think you’re expendable -you’re not. I hate that you think that. I hate that no one was there for you. I hate that _I_ wasn’t here for you.” Keith doesn’t know when he stood up. Lance is staring up at him with blue eyes wide, red, and swollen but at least he’s no longer crying. He lowers himself back down and levels with the red paladin. “You’re not just somebody, Lance. You weren’t just some kid who randomly stumbled onto the blue lion-”

“Wasn’t I?”

“There were five of us there, but she opened for you. She chose you. Not Shiro. Not Me. Not Hunk or Pidge. _You_. Lance McLain - the first paladin in 10,000 years. Without you, Allura and Coran would still be in the cryopod. Pidge would have never gotten Matt and her dad back. I would never have gotten Shiro back. I would have never met my mom. Or known I was half-Galra. Or gotten my first space wolf. Lance, without you, I would have nothing. I would be in that god forsaken desert alone, so trust me when I say you matter.”

“Thanks, Keith,” because what else can he really say to that.

“Tell me you know, that you understand you’re not worthless or disposable, that you matter and you’re valuable to this team, to us, to me - tell me you understand.” Keith needed to know that Lance understood this, that he wasn’t brushing it off, because Keith had been in his place before. Sure, he hadn’t died to get there, but he was alone for a long time and he felt useless, worthless, and unwanted. The foster homes were crappy. The orphanage was worse. The desert was lonely. If he had never met Shiro, he can’t honestly say he wouldn’t have died, much less wanted to. But that was a long time ago. Those feelings are distant to him now. And he might not remember feeling them, but he can still remember the times he felt that way and he remembers what he wished someone told him, remembers what Shiro would tell him, what his dad had told him. And it took some time for him to understand, a long time, so he needed Lance to understand, too. “Tell me.”

Lance thought that he had only ever wanted someone to ask him if he was okay, he didn’t expect to be validated nor to want to be, but that is what Keith was doing, wasn’t it? And it felt good to hear it, to feel it, this much emotion from someone else towards him, even more so that it’s coming from Keith. It was overwhelming, especially when he had been so deprived. “Y-yeah, yeah, Keith. I understand.” And he does, he feels it in the shakiness of his bones, in the warmth in his chest, in the goosebumps on his arms, but what he doesn’t understand is why it’s Keith. Shiro, he would have imagined. Allura, maybe. But neither of them is the person in front him, telling him he matters. It’s Keith.

They settle in the quiet of one am, or two, maybe three; honestly, time is an illusion in space. Keith is the first one to break it, his voice is a whisper. “Did it hurt? When you died, I mean.”

“No, not that I can remember. It… it feels like being teleported, like you’re in one place one minute and in another the next… Keith, do you think I’m going to be okay?”

“Nothing that we’ve gone through is normal and I don’t think we’ll ever be the same people we were on earth. We were in a war, and I don’t think people come back the same from one, much less an intergalactic war. But yeah, I think you’ll be okay. I really do. Do you?”

“I really missed you, Keith,” is the only answer Lance offers

Keith smiles, “You’re just saying that because I just sucked your dick.” Lance laughs because Keith really has gotten funnier in his absence. “I missed you too, Lance.”

Before they go to their own respective lions, Lance catches the blade by the wrist, and somehow it feels too intimate for he immediately lets go, a blush donning his cheeks. “Could you- could you maybe not say anything to the team?” Keith doesn’t know why Lance is asking him to be quiet about this, they should know. They weren’t just a team, they were all friends and this was something you tell your friends. But he agrees because it wasn’t his to tell. If he was honest, he’d admit he’s afraid he wouldn’t be able stay calm if he had to confront them. “I’ll tell them eventually, but I just… after everything, with Lotor and Shiro and stuff, I think it’s just better if I don’t yet, y’know?”

He doesn’t, but Lance is putting himself second again, and Keith isn’t going to push it if the paladin wasn’t ready to talk about it with the rest of the team so he pretend he does. “Okay, I promise.”

“Goodnight, Keith.”

“Goodnight, Lance.”

* * *

 They’ve taken a detour to a refuge outpost for some more revisions. Apparently, they’ve gone through their water pouches faster than anticipated. Besides, everyone could use some sleep on a nice, soft cot. They had to share rooms due to overcapacity, but no one is really bothered by it. Hunk, Pidge, and Lance share a room, Coran and Allura another, and Keith, Shiro, and Krolia a third. Honestly, they could probably share one room altogether, like most of the refugees are and Lance would be okay with that. It would feel like a giant sleep over and he missed doing that with his siblings. Nevertheless, he likes the detour anyway because it gives him the chance to wake up later than everyone else and when he does, Yorak is curled at the foot of his cot.

“Hey, buddy. How’d you get in here?” But then Lance remembers that he can teleport. “ _Eso es una pregunta estupida_. Have you had breakfast yet because I’m starving and maybe we can go hunting together? Well, I’ll hunt in the cafeteria and then we can hunt outside. Actually, I’m not sure what Keith feeds you-”

“Oh, good morning, Lance. I was just looking for Yorak so I could take him for a walk. Would you like to join us?” Krolia has never ever looked bad or tired. Lance is envious and curious. _Is it a Galra thing?_

Lance has no reason to refuse, so he agrees. They’re maybe a good mile or two outside the camp when Lance asks, “Why do you guys walk him is he can teleport?”

“Keith insists on walking Yorak, some earth tradition. He thinks it makes Yorak happy, but I think Yorak only goes to make him happy.” Krolia is smiling and its infectious.

“Are those scars or Galra marks?”

Krolia runs her fingers from her cheek to her jaw in contemplation. “They’re both. Galra marks are a paler shade of our skin. Scars vary in shades for us, as they do for humans I believe, but some scars turn into Galra marks, some are treated as one if they’re sustained through initiation. Mine are given by the Blade.”

“The Blade scarred you? Why?!”

“It’s given to deep-cover spies to remind them that they’re loyalty is not to Zarkon but to the Blade. We have lost many blades, many friends, to the Galra Command and have had to assassinate them. We were dwindling, so as a preventative measure, when spies are about to embark deep-cover missions, the kind that doesn’t offer a lot of chances for communication with the Blade, they’re given the choice where Kolivan will give the scar with your own blade and in return, you scar him as well.” Krolia glances at Lance only for a moment, but it’s enough to see the horror on his face. “It’s not as bad as I make it sound. I’m proud of my marks, Lance, and I have never met a blade who wasn’t. Besides, compared to me, Kolivan’s is worse, but even he is proud of them.”

“Was it before earth?”

“Yes.”

“Why did you never go back for Keith?” Krolia stops, and consequently, so does Lance. He’s instantly apologetic. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, it just – I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that, of course you don’t. You don’t owe me an explanation, I’m just some kid. I haven’t even known Keith that long really. Maybe just like a couple years, or so, I don’t-”

“It’s fine, Lance.” They start walking again. “I had come to earth for the blue lion, but I got stranded; my ship had been wrecked. Keith’s father had helped me, had given me a home, and had fed me. He didn’t even ask for anything in return. I fell in love with him, and we had Keith. I hadn’t tried to contact the blade at all, and after Keith, it had been so easy to stay, to just abandon the Blade, the war, everything. But Zarkon’s scouts had located the lion too, and I knew that if I hadn’t left, there’d be more of them. It’s easier to prevent them from reaching earth than to keep them from coming back. It was the only way I could protect them both, but what good was that when he died soon anyway and Keith had to…

“If I went back to earth, I don’t think I could ever leave again; our numbers just continued to decline, and they were already low before I left for your planet. Every member lost was a blow. We were on the verge of being the last resistance for a dying cause.” There’s a pause as Krolia looks at Lance. “But there’s no justification for leaving your family behind, Lance.”

It’s not directed at him, he knows that, but it feels like it was meant for him. “Would you quit the Blade if –” _it means you can be with Keith?_

“Yes.” She doesn’t miss a beat. “I would.”

Krolia feels like the right person to talk this about. He had almost told Hunk, but maybe the yellow paladin was too close to the situation and she was not. “I’m thinking about retiring from Voltron.” He expects some kind of response but is thankful there isn’t one. “I miss my family. I have a really big family and we’re all really close. I’ve never been so far from them for so long. I tried to overcome it, for the sake of the universe and everything. I mean I enjoy being a paladin and exploring space and basically being a power ranger – I’m living my childhood dream honestly - but it’s hard. I miss them all the time. How did you do it because I have to stop myself from breaking down every time I think about them? But It’s not like I had much of a choice. There weren’t a lot of other candidates at the time. I mean, there was five of us – Shiro, Pidge, Hunk, Keith, and Me – and there were five lions; it was fate, destiny, whatever. But there’s six paladins now and the war is over. I’m not needed here, they can spare me.”

Lance pauses because he needs a breath. 

“I’ve run the math. Keith once said to leave the math to Pidge,” Lance chuckles before continuing, “But I didn’t get into the garrison just because of my good looks. Even if I wasn’t homesick, there’s still one too many paladins. And based on our strengths and what we bring to the table, I’m the one they can afford to lose. Pidge is the hacker, Hunk is an engineer, Shiro is the leader. The only paladins that are interchangeable are me, Allura, and Keith. Allura clearly brings a lot more to the table than Keith and I – she can bring people back to life and she has a better understanding of space and quintessence more than any of us do. She’s also a great ambassador and she’s the lead in the coalition. And between Keith and I, well that’s a no-brainer. I'm not the same when we first started. I’ve lost most of my confidence these past couple of months, I’m unsure of everything all the time, and I’ve already died once. Dropping dead weight is the smart move. But Keith,” Lance pauses because Keith alone is an overwhelming force. “Even without two years on his side, he’s quicker and smarter and more efficient -not that I’d ever admit that to his face-and now, he’s stronger and more confident and more mature. He’s level headed, no longer impulsive, and he listens to the team. He’s… amazing,” he exhales.

“Are you in love Keith?”

 “Wha – how – me – Keith?”

“I apologize, I was under the impression you had romantic feelings for my son, but I must have misunderstood. It’s been a while since I had to use my knowledge of social earth cues, I may have mixed some information. Sorry, if that was presumptuous.”

Lance is quiet, but the blush the blankets his face is not. “No, no you’re not, uh, you didn’t misunderstand.” Lance coughs because his voice is breaking and he’s not 15 anymore, this shouldn’t be happening in front of the mother of the boy he’s crushing on. _I’m allergic to the universe, it’s official._ In an even voice, he firmly and confidently tells her, “I like Keith, romantically.” He façade is gone the next time he speaks. “I don't know if it's love, there's potential, but I know something is there between us. I-is that okay? I mean, I know he’s a guy and I’m a guy and I don’t know a lot about Galran culture or customs or whatever, I don’t know if that’s allowed, but I really do like Keith.”

“Galrans don’t particularly care about gender, Lance, and neither do I.”

He looks at Krolia. Krolia, who only has one son, whose only love is dead, who is telling him that she doesn’t care that he’s a guy. “Krolia, I can’t… I can’t give you any children.”

“I already have a child, perhaps you’ve met him. His name is Keith.” Lance laughs, but he can feel his heart breaking because for a family who has lost so much, they deserve more than he can offer, and that’s if Keith likes him back. “I understand how human biology works, Lance, but I would rather focus on the kid I have right now before I entertain the thought of wanting grandkids. I appreciate the thought, but you’re only 18.You should focus on deciding whether you want to continue being a paladin or if you want to retire. It’s a difficult decision, and I can’t make it for you, no one can. War changes people in different ways. Sometimes it attracts them more, and others it deters him. I don’t think anyone would blame you if you choose to stay on earth, it’s a sentiment most soldiers share – missing home.”

“If I do leave Voltron, I don’t think Keith and I can be together,” he admits and Krolia understands without needing further explanation; she knows that intergalactic relationships are not a relationship, and her own heart breaks for her son because she can see how the younger blade feels about the paladin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh, this completely took a turn. But I wanted Krolia to be the first to confront Lance about his feelings and I wanted her to be have some background. She's got so much potential as a character man. I really like her. 
> 
> let me tell you guys that this was almost a 6k-8k word count. Seriously, I wanted to put most of what I've already written all in this chapter because I wanted to work on some klance scenes, y'know. Why did I make this a slow burn.... but you know what, I think lance deserves a lot some positive acknowledgments and I've enjoyed writing them. 
> 
> fun fact: supernovas are 6000 times hotter than our sun's core and keith breaks his promise.
> 
> thanks for the kudos! leave a comment, make my day.


	8. Supernova

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> blue paladin bonding moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so many tone shifts, yikes.

Shiro was in the black lion for a specific reason. He definitely had a reason, there was something he was looking for, but he can’t remember now because Keith had ransacked all the boxes he had spent hours organizing while the blade had piloted the lion. Whatever patience he used to preach was out the window with a shrilling shriek of “ _Keith!!!.”_

“Hey, Shiro. Do you know where the files are on the Omega Shield mission?” Keith had hardly offered him a glance, opening another box and fingering through the folders.

“Keith, stop! I poured blood, sweat, and heart into that filing system – what have you done!”

“I need that file, Shiro. You don’t understand.” Even Shiro could tell through the frantic of the blade’s voice that this was important enough to destroy Shiro’s life’s work.

Sighing in defeat, he opened an untouched box that contained Keith’s training logs; he liked to know what to work on for his future spars. “What was it again?”

“Omega Shield.”

“Omega Shield? Lance mentioned that a couple days ago. Why? What happened?”

“Nothing, there was just something I wanted to see.”

If Keith thought he could just make a mess of everything he worked so hard for and then lie to him about it, then boy does he have another thing coming. Shiro reached forward with his metal arm only to realize its absence half way and subsequently switched to his only arm, grabbing the younger male by the shoulder. “What is this about?”

Shiro used his dad voice. Keith had heard it a lot when he used to get into fights, sometimes with other kids, sometimes with Shiro himself, and he knows what it means – cut the bullshit. “Lance had just mentioned something, but I wanted to read it myself.” He wasn’t willing to give anymore than that. He’d promised the red paladin he wouldn’t tell anyone, and he was going to keep that promise. Even if it meant lying to Shiro… Not that this was the first time he’s lied to him, and he doubts it’ll be the last, but it didn’t particularly leave a pleasant feeling in his gut.

“Pidge or Coran should have it. They downloaded the Castle files, so it should either be in the green or the blue lion. Go, while I fix this mess you made. I need to start charging you for your messes, I swear.”

“Thanks, Shiro.”

Of all the paladins, Pidge is the hardest to track down, so Keith looks for Coran instead; he starts at their room but only finds Allura. “Keith, what can I do for you?”

He considers asking for Coran, but Allura had been the one to bring Lance alive, she’s the only other person who knows that Lance had died… and she was the only one who could open Blue. “I was actually looking for you. Do you have any files on your mission to Omega Shield?”

“I believe so. Should we take a look?” For some reason, Blue’s cockpit always feels roomier than the black lion’s. There’s no apparent reason why, they look to be about the same size. Maybe because it fit five of them once. “What are you looking for exactly?”

“Anything you have on your mission from the Omega Shield.”

“Oh, well the lions also hold records on missions you know. You could have easily accessed the black lion’s logs for those, but why don’t I show you mine since it would be a waste of a trip otherwise.” Allura pulls up the logs and there’s a video feed and some written files that he assumes she had done herself. The video feed is only useful in seeing through the lion’s eyes, so all the blade can see is Blue being pushed away from the radiation belt and Red being hit, then Allura swimming out to the red lion before disappearing inside. “I forgot.” Keith can’t see Allura’s face from behind her, but her voice is heavy with guilt. “Lance died.”

“I know.”

“Keith, did- did he tell you?” Keith doesn’t answer. “I had forgotten. How could I forget? We didn’t talk about it, is he okay?”

“It’s not too late to ask him yourself.” There’s a little bite in his tone, and he takes a minute to calm himself because he wasn’t here, he doesn’t know what happened. “Why didn’t you tell anyone, Allura? You were the only person who knew.”

The princess finally turns to look at him and they both know she has no excuse. “I can’t… There’s no reason, Keith. I have no reason. After the mission, Lotor had requested for my assistance with the quintessence field and I- I… I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one who died, Allura. I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.” Keith should really show more sympathy, maybe hug her; she has been through a lot just this past year, but he can’t find it in himself to give more than a disappointed and hurt expression.

As a princess, Allura was trained to be perfect- well, would have been anyway- but that was 10,000 years ago. She wasn’t just a princess anymore, she’s a paladin and an ambassador. She needed to be strong more than she needed to be perfect, but she still remembered some of her lessons. Empathy was a big one. Her governess had taught her that life was different for most Alteans. They did not live in castles, they did not have food made for them, but they were a community, they relied on each other. As a princess alone, she was told that she was above this, this was something that she would never experience, but she still needed to see things from their perspective, learn how they live, understand where their grievances come from. “Empathize, but don’t socialize”, her governess would say (Shiro wasn’t the only one with idioms); Lotor wasn’t the only one with a strict and rigid governess, though Allura’s was hardly as bad as Dayak. Nevertheless, her governess was right, she may never experience it with other Alteans, but she definitely has with the other paladins. Allura considered them more than just her teammates, they were her friends, the few that she could undoubtedly rely on. They were stronger than a community, they were family. How could she have done to that to Lance, neglect him and cast him aside for Lotor, especially being the only one who knew he had died, even worse for her. It was inexcusable, and she thought as much, had immediately drowned in a tidal wave of guilt. She needed to find Lance.

* * *

 

Kaltenecker had been agitated lately. Lance had neglected her for too long; she needed to be milked and he could use a milkshake too. Win-win, and lately, he’s been winning a lot. He dragged her outside of the refugee camp; it’s a lot easier to milk a cow when they’re calm and relaxed and not surrounded by a throng of mistreated and displaced people who were casualties of war… and it gives him the opportunity to have a heart-to-heart with the lady. Lance thinks that maybe she feels neglected lately; he had been spending a lot of time with Yorak lately, and Kaltenecker was not fond of the space wolf.

That’s where Allura finds him. She’s still in her paladin suit and Lance notes that he’s been seeing her more and more in it than in her Altean clothes, maybe  it’s a testament to how much she values her service as a paladin more than a princess.  She looks just as beautiful, if not more badass. He may no longer be in love with her, an epiphany that just dawns on him, but he’s not blind. “Hey, Allura. Come to see the magical, intimate moment between a boy and his cow?”

“No, Lance.” How could he be joking at a time like this, honestly… “I wanted to apologize.”

“For what?” because all Lance could think about was his heart breaking a couple of months earlier and there was absolutely no possible reason she should be apologizing for that; _I was the one who stupidly fell in love with her, it’s not like she wanted me to._

“For how I acted after the Omega Shield.”

_Omega Shield._ Why was she bringing it up? “What about it? Are you thinking of giving Hunk more ambassadorial responsibilities because I’d second that? I mean, he definitely handled those Galrans, right?”

“Lance, look, Keith had-“

Lance stiffens. _Keith?_ He had promised he wouldn’t say anything. Why would he break it? “I- I don’t – Allura, it’s not – Keith was just – I –”

Allura silences him with a hug. “I am so sorry, Lance. I should have said something, I should have told them, I shouldn’t have avoided you. I am incredibly -”

“Avoided me?” Lance pulls back. “You were avoiding me?” Allura lets her hands fall from the red paladin’s shoulders and sheepishly shrinks into herself in guilt. He can only take this as an affirmation _and it hurts_ , hurts more than realizing she would never see him in the same light he sees her, and Lance can honestly say he didn’t think anything would hurt as much. “Why?”

“The mice, they said you liked me-”

“Allura, I never tried to hide it. Everyone knew. I mean I think deep down, we both know I never stood a chance, but you’ve never avoided me before because of it, so why - why would you start now?”

The princess sighs, her shoulders slumping in defeat. “I had feelings for Lotor, Lance. I wanted to be with him, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“So you thought you’d avoid me as, what, as rejection?” he can feel the anger, white and fast, boiling in him. Part of him wants to cry and given how often he’s been crying lately, he’s surprised he’s not, but then he recalls Pidge and Hunk constantly mocking him and then Keith breaking his promise, and it only fuels him; he’s more angry than hurt so crying can take the backseat today.

“Lance, I – .”

 “Believe it or not, I can take rejection. It’s not pretty and it’s not my favorite feeling, but I’ve handled many; you’re not the first person to not like me, Allura, but I thought as teammates, at the very least, you would have just talked to me about it. I think I deserved that much, but don’t worry, anyone with eyes could tell.”

_Where is this coming from,_ Allura wondered as she stilled in shock. “We’re more than just teammates, Lance. We’re friends, we’re family.”

“I got the hint, your majesty,” he spits out bitterly.

Allura sighs. It’s pointless talking to humans when they’re agitated and angry, and Lance was reasonable so. She understands why he would be, she had acted poorly, not only hurting him but making it seem like she doesn’t care about him at all. “I really am sorry, Lance,” she offers again before making her return to the camp.

Lance lets out a sigh, almost hoping the anger would leave with it, but it sits heavy and hot in his gut and leaves him jittery. He knows it’s no one’s fault, not even Allura’s. That’s not to say that what she had done didn’t upset him because it did, but he didn’t need to be so nasty about it; he knew better. But it was cathartic, releasing all his pent-up emotions; it leaves him feeling both invincible and destructive, like he could burn all his bridges by the end of the night. He almost wishes Keith or Pidge or Hunk would come so he could tear them one too because this anger - it feels empowering, it feels like confidence seeping back into him, it feels like home. It makes him feel like a supernova, heat and energy rising inside him; he’s shaking. _The irony_ , he notes, remembering from _Astronomy and Astrophysics I_ that supernovas explode from too much matter and Lance hasn’t felt like he mattered for a long time.

He sits on the stool quietly, trying to stop shaking, hoping that by the time he stills, the atmosphere is less tense. It’ll distress Kaltenecker and she really needed to be milked. When the anger dissipates, it leaves him empty; he can’t find any contempt for Allura or Keith or Hunk or Pidge, but _empty is better than contempt_ , he rationalizes. “That’s the last time I confess my feelings to animals… Except for you, Kaltenecker. It’s just you and me now, buddy. Let’s get to milking!” he says cheerfully because fake it ‘til you make it… right?

* * *

 

Feeling returns by the next morning, accompanied by his morality. He knows he should go find the princess and apologize, but he’s burnt out and tired… and at the sound of his stomach, hungry. He decides to find Allura after breakfast, but the blue paladin finds him first.

“Lance-”

He holds a hand up to stop her, an apologetic smile on his face. “It’s fine, Allura. I mean it hurt, I’m not going to lie about that, but it’s in the past and I know you were genuinely trying to apologize yesterday, and I said some things myself that, y’know…,” he sighs. “I’m sorry too, so let’s just call it even.” He extends his hand as an olive branch.

Allura couldn’t comprehend it. Even? How was him dying and his outburst _even_? They were hardly equal. She reaches forward and gently closes his hand, “Lance, it’s not the same. You died, and I acted like it didn’t matter, like the quintessence field took precedent over your feelings, and I can’t apologize enough for it, but can I try?” with her other hand, she presents a basket of facial products. “I was thinking that we could have a spa day. I asked around for some home remedies and I thought this would be a good start. What do you say, Lance?” Like Lance could say no when his skin has been so pale and dry and could use some TLC.

They create a makeshift spa in Coran and Allura’s room since their lions were filled with all their stuff from the Castle. They had finished prepping their skin and had moved onto masks, which, according to Lance, is at least a  3-mask process – hardening , peel-offs, and hydrating.

“Allura, stop moving it. You’re supposed to let it sit,” he scolds as he readjusts her eye mask.

“Okay, okay,” she laughs.

Lance fixes the position of her slices over her eyes one last time before laying down and placing his own slices over his eyes. “On earth, there’s like entire weekends, or like about two quintants, dedicated to R&Rs and it’s a whole body experience. You get massages, facials, body exfoliations, saunas, and stuff; they have resorts dedicated to it, but my sister and I, we usually just do it at home. Sometimes Luis joins us, but it’s mostly like a her-and-me thing. Sometimes, I get Hunk to do it with me and we’ll get Pidge to join but we have to pry her off of whatever she’s doing. Is it the same for you guys? Do you do these kinds of things in Altea?”

“Spa day, yes. We do like to be pampered, but not to earthen extents.”

Lance hums in response, lets the quiet settle comfortably before he confesses, “You don’t have to worry about me, by the way. I think I’m ready to move on, not that I don’t find you smart or kind or brave or beautiful anymore! That will never change but, you know, if you like someone, I don’t want you feel like you have to hide or something because you think it’ll hurt my feelings. I want you to be happy, Allura, I think you deserve that much, even if it’s not with me.”

“Lance…” Allura whispers because she wants to hug him but they’re both laying down in their robes and she’s got her hair up in curlers weighing her down and he’s got his feet soaking in a bucket so she just whispers his name. “Thank you.”

They spend the rest of the morning in their spa room; it’s not the same as his and Veronica’s, but Lance thinks it’s pretty close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i learned so much about supernovas during this. 
> 
> like for example, there are two ways for a supernova to end: the core collapses because of mass influx and they explode into this psychedelic burst of colors and sometimes they leave behind remnants (which are super cool by the way!!!!) or they implode quietly into a black hole. 
> 
> Two extremes I guess. be gay or be gone. 
> 
> jk, but seriously, supernovas are cool man. I dig it. here's some of my favorites in no order:  
> Cassiopeia A  
> Crab Nebula  
> Sagittarius A (not just cause i'm a sagittarius)   
> Spaghetti Nebula  
> Cygnus Loop (reminds me of northern lights)  
> Veil Nebula (less spherical and more like if you threw colors at whispy clouds and they caught it)
> 
>  
> 
> leave a comment, make my day.


	9. the blade isn't sharp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lance establishes his mathematical prowess and shiro is still dead inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if lance is repetitive, i like hearing him talk.
> 
> d&d is super confusing by the way, props to anyone who plays it. I read too much about double crossing your party. I read some stories from game masters. Couples break up. Friendships are torn. Bridges are burned. Enemies are made.

Hunk wasn’t blind. Neither was Pidge.

So, when their stay got extended, the two decided that they need some quality bonding time and what better way than playing Monsters & Mana; it would have been perfect except Allura and Coran were busy with speaking with refuges and Shiro was going to get a prosthetic fitted. Pidge and Matt had offered to do it with some spare Altean tech but the black paladin had declined the offer, opting for something less bionic… and homicidal. Matt went for emotional support, but mostly so he could make a lot of armless puns (“I’ll give you a hand with that, Shiro. God knows you could use one.”) to which Shiro mostly groaned. And Krolia wasn’t interested.

“Just us teenagers then,” Hunk said with a shrug.

“I’m 20,” Keith objected.

“Shut up, Keith. You’re like 16.” Really, leave it to Pidge to knock him down a few pegs.

“Still older than you, you’re like 12.”

Keith had never played Monsters & Mana before; Lance and Hunk had described it as like D&D, which he also never played so they took the game slow. It took almost a couple vargas just to cover the basics until they were playing with in a nice flow. That’s when Hunk decided to strike.

“So, Keith, you’re practically a knight in shining armor-“

“What? No, I chose to be a – what am I? – a halfling elf monk.”

“I mean you, man. You leave suddenly and then come back out of nowhere with a sidekick space wolf and a damsel in distress.”

“Krolia is hardly a damsel or in distress.”

Pidge and Hunk exchange a look. “I think he’s talking about Romelle,” the green paladin clarifies.

 _Romelle. Mierda_. How could Lance forget about Keith’s girlfriend? Just because they had said goodbye and they were returning to earth, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she and Keith had broken up. _Are they doing long-distance? Because it’s at least a couple of light years worth, pero es Keith,_ _él puede hacer cualquier cosa_ _._ He flashes back to when he almost confessed to the blade. Lance breathes a sigh of relief, _thank god I didn’t say anything that night, that would have been a disaster._

“Romelle isn’t a damsel either, distressed maybe, but Lotor did drain her entire family of their quintessence.”

There’s a moment of silence before Hunk goes in for the kill, “Sooooo… you and Romelle _aren’t_ together? Were never together? You guys have never kissed or anything?”

“No? There was hardly any time for kissing, Hunk, we had to come back to warn you guys and stop Lotor.”

There’s a sheepish smile on the yellow paladin’s face as he scratched unnecessarily under his jaw, a sign of embarrassment as Lance and Pidge had deduced during their time at the garrison. “Is there time now?”

“What?” It’s not an embarrassed what or an insulted what, but more of a confused, did-I-hear-you-right what. The kind of what that Lance shares.

 _What?_ The red paladin mentally echoes. _Hunk, what are you up to?_

“Is there someone you want me to kiss?” Hunk doesn’t answer. The former paladin narrows his eyes. “Who exactly do you want me kiss, Hunk?” but Keith doesn’t get a response the second time around. Instead, he follows both the yellow and the green paladins' gaze to Lance.

Lance had been eyeing his best friend suspiciously when suddenly, three pairs of eyes are on him. He squirms under their scrutiny before realizing the insinuation of their focused gaze. “Whoa. Whoa, wait what? I don’t – Keith and I – _what_?”

Keith looks back at the other paladins “You guys want me to kiss Lance?”  He's a lot quicker on the uptake. “Is this… This isn’t part of the game, is it?” Meanwhile, Lance is by no means calm, not even in its near vicinity, he’s like eons away from it. Can they not see the panic in his eyes, screaming _Abort! Abort! Abort!_

He’s already trying to find exit strategies.

“Well, you guys don’t _have_ to kiss. We’d settle for a date. Hunk and I think it’ll settle a lot of sexual tension and some bets,” Pidge replies easily, like this wasn’t embarrassing for all of them. Which it isn’t, mostly just for Lance. Keith doesn’t look a bit bothered by the suggestion, Pidge happily notes.

Lance is out of his seat, trying to make a break for it. “I think I hear Allura calling me. You know, probably some paladin stuff, some very important _blue-paladins-only_ kind of thing.”

“Lance-” Hunk, now is not the time. Can’t you see he’s got an escape plan in motion?

“Seriously, finish the game, it’s fun! Watch out for Pidge though– she’s got like two character sheets, she might double cross you.”

 _“Hey!_ ” Pidge interrupts indignantly.

“Wait, Lance.” But he’s halfway towards the door, slowly inching forward hoping no one blocks the only exit in the room. Really, it’s a fire hazard, he’ll report it once he’s out safely.

“This was great though. Hunk, buddy, great thinking - we should do it again sometime _._ Hahaha, okay bye,” and just bolts for the door. The three just stare after him. 

Keith looks back at Hunk and Pidge, “Uh, is this still part of the game?”

* * *

 

Traitors _._

Hunk and Pidge are traitors.

_I’m going to kill them._

Unbelievable.

After all they’ve been through.

The garrison, their spa days, being banned from the space mall, their Killbot Phantasm Tournament, _Paladude_.

To think they would betray him like this. The sanctity of their bond – tainted.                                                                                        

_How did they even know? I didn’t even tell them! Am I really that obvious?_

Their room now uncomfortable, Lance had to find somewhere else to go, somewhere to hide in case one of them decided to find him later.

_Why did I leave, didn’t that just confirm it? Fuck, where do I go?_

Red was too obvious. Who knew where Coran or Allura were? Shiro and Matt… well maybe being around the two would deter any talk about him and Keith.

_Dios mio, Keith. Shit. Shit. Shit shit shit. Did he also know? No, no. He couldn’t have, the way he acted, he couldn’t have._

This was exactly why he didn’t want Pidge and Hunk to know; after the way they treated him when he liked Allura, he didn’t want to have to go through that with Keith. And to just out him like that. _I mean, I’m still new to this whole bisexuality thing and they just – they just did that! Did they even care how I would feel?_ If he wasn’t still panicking and hyperventilating, maybe he could focus on how fucked that is, but right now, he had to powerwalking his way to the medical room. Maybe it was better that way.

Shiro looked mildly annoyed when Lance stormed in.

“It’ll be really simple, I swear! No weaponized alien tech whatsoever. You’d be completely unarmed.” Shiro let out another groan. “Oh hey, Lance!”

Lance just stood there, leaning against the door. “Lance, you can’t block the door. What if people are hurt?” Shiro chided.

“What? Oh, yeah. Sorry.” He promptly shoved himself away from it and crawled under the cot on which Shiro sat on the edge of. “What are you- what are you guys doing?”

“Did you run here?” Matt asked, noticing his breathlessness and sweating. “What are you doing?”

“Heh, yeah. I, uh, we’re playing hide-n-seek.”

“I thought you guys were playing Monsters & Mana?”

“Yeah. That too. It’s complicated, things happened, and now we’re playing hide-n-seek, so if you see Keith, Hunk, or Pidge, tell them I’m not here or more accurately, tell them I’m dead. So what are you guys talking about?”

“Well I was just convincing Shiro to let me do his arm.” Turning to Shiro, Matt continued, “We can use sensors on your muscles so that the hand will clench and unclench when you flex. See, super simple? We can just give you that one thing. No blades, no cannons, just give you some grip.”

“Okay, okay, fine,” Shiro conceded. “Make sure to get the weight right. The first arm I had was too light, it didn’t feel right.”

“Please, it’s going to be perfect, you won’t even have a single complaint. Bet.”

 _Bet._ Lance thought, remembering that Pidge had said something about bets. Were Shiro and Matt in on it? “Do you guys know anything about Pidge’s bet?”

“Pidge?” Shiro asked. “No.”

“Oh yeah, Pidge and I used to have so many bets in place before I left for Kerberos. Honestly, if she wasn’t so much into tech, she could be a gambler,” Matt explained before standing up. “I’m gonna go and find some materials to make you the lamest prosthetic ever. Have fun under Shiro, Lance!” he snickered.

“Matt!” Shiro groaned.

“Shiro?” Shiro looks down at the gap between his legs to see Lance’s face peeped out of the edge of the cot.

“Uh, yeah, Lance?”

“Can you get me some water? And some snacks? I think I’m going to be here for a long time.”

“Sure, I think there’s some in here.” Shiro stood up and started rummaging around. “So, did you lose a bet?”

Lance grabbed a pillow from the cot and settled his head on it, trying to get comfortable on the hard, cold surface but his heart is still racing. “Uh, something like that. We were playing Monsters & Mana and then Hunk was asking if Keith had ever kissed Romelle and then Keith was like, ‘No, who has the time? And Hunk said, ‘Oh, well, is now the time?’ and he said, ‘who do you want me to kiss?” and then all of them were starting at me and he’s like, ‘is this part of the game?’ and I’m there having a gay panic _porque no piense que me gustaban muchachos_ , but Keith is, y’know, he’s Keith. When was ever not Keith? And clearly it’s not part of the game and then Pidge is like ‘You guys can date? It’ll settle the sexual tension and some bets’ so I guess there’s a bet and I kind of just left because there’s a bet and I’m still trying to deal with this whole being gay or bi or whatever. _Es decir, tienen razón_. _Me gusta Keith, me gusta mucho, pero no estaba preparado para contarle_ because I’m thinking of retiring from Voltron which means –“

“Wait, what?”

“– that we probably won’t ever see each other again because he’ll go back to space, and intergalactic relationships aren’t exactly long-distance, I mean, it’s hardly a relationship, you know?”

“Lance –”

“– _Todavía no he decidido si voy_ so I can’t just tell Keith if there’s not a future in us and now it’s all messy because Hunk and Pidge basically outed me, and I thought that was something I get to do when I’m ready and so I’m just gonna hide out here until we leave.”

“Lance-”

The red paladin jumps in shock when he realizes Shiro is crouched down under the bed right next to him, and he hits his head on the bed. “Ow,” he says as he rubs his head.

“You like Keith.”

“Is that bad?”

“Scoot over.”

“Shiro, you’re massive, we both can’t fit under here.”

“What are you talking about, we’ll fit just fine if you would just scoot over, Lance.” So Lance uses his ass and shoulders to shimmy so the black paladin could lie down with him. They both lay there, half of their bodies within the shadow of the cot and half out. “Okay, maybe you were right.”

Lance doesn’t reply.

“So, Keith.”

“Yeah, Keith.”

“Are you sure?”

Shiro is looking at him in no other way than just to confirm. “Yeah, I am.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Shiro, really. I think I would know who I like," the red paladin replies indignantly. 

“Good.”

“What?”

“Look, Keith is… I love Keith, but he’s dense as fuck. One time, he kept hanging out with this girl in his class. She was clearly into him and had asked him to go out to the movies with her and he didn’t want to, but I had kept pushing him to hang out with people in his class, so he agreed. So they went to the movies and then they started hanging out, studying together, playing video games, going out for lunch, seeing more movies… Then three months later, the girl broke up with him because he forgot their three-month anniversary and it didn’t feel like he liked her the way she liked him and he was so confused; he hadn’t known they were going out.”

“You’re joking. Shiro, tell me you’re joking.”

“Nope, really it was my fault. Poor girl. I don’t know what he’s like when it comes to stuff like that now, hopefully less dense, but you can’t just skirt around the subject with him, Lance I want to make sure you really like him because if you do, you have to tell him properly.”

“Trust me, that isn’t the problem.”

“I’m sorry about Pidge and Hunk.”

“It’s okay, I mean not really, but it’s not your fault. Are you… are you really okay with this? Me being gay or bi or whatever.”

“I am. Didn’t I tell you before that there’s nothing wrong with you? No matter what happens, no matter who you love, no matter where you go, you’ll always have a family in us, Lance.” Lance didn’t think he was nervous about telling anyone, didn’t think he would even consider Shiro throwing him out or hating him over this, didn’t really think about the possibility of Shiro being homophobic because could he really be? Nevertheless, he feels something that goes beyond relief when the black paladin accepts him unconditionally.

“Thanks, Shiro,” Lance replies, sheepish, that stupid blush staining his face.

“What about you?”

“What?”

“Are you okay? Really okay, Lance?” There’s concern written all over Shiro’s face, white eyebrows knitting together, like he knows, and the red paladin wouldn’t put it past him.

“I don’t know. If you had asked two weeks ago, the answer would have been no. It’s gotten better, but before you came back, it wasn’t all that great for me. Allura was spending most of her time with Lotor, and Pidge and Hunk were always making fun of me, and Coran was always busy with the Castle. You weren’t you. Keith wasn’t here. It was just a lot of me by myself. But it has been getting better and I’m learning more about myself. Still, there are a lot of days where nothing is okay and it’s hard to talk with anyone about it. Even Keith. Even Red. Do you ever feel like that?” Lance is met with silence. “Shiro?” But Shiro is staring intently at the bottom of the cot. “Hey, buddy, are you okay?” he lightly nudged the black paladin.

“Yeah.” There still an emptiness in the answer.

“Yeah, you’re okay or… ?”

“Yeah, I do feel like that, Lance. I miss my family, too. I missed Keith. I miss earth food. I miss my arm. I miss my black hair. I miss my bed and my motorcycle and coffee. I miss pizza. I miss coffee, Lance. They don’t make coffee up here; it’s not the same. I’m homesick, too, Lance. I have bad days too, especially in the beginning. There was a lot of things I wasn’t ready for; the level of stress, for one. There’s not a manual on how to fly a giant, mechanical lion or how a survival guide for alien race wars. There are a lot of days when I didn’t want to get, I didn’t want to train, I didn’t want to pilot the lion, I didn’t want to form Voltron. Honestly, when I realized I died, it was a bit of a relief. A lot of, actually. To be free from all of that was like a long-awaited vacation. I’m glad to be alive, but I can’t say I was too upset about being dead.”

He doesn’t know how to respond. This is Shiro. His idol. His hero. The legend who really does live up to the legend. And he feels bad for putting him on a pedestal, for trying to make him more than human; Shiro is human, and here Lance was, putting pressure on him to be this god-like person when he isn’t even that much older than them and had suffered more for longer than they had. Not to mention, he had to babysit four other kids. How was he not buckling under it all? How had they not noticed? _How had I not noticed?_ “Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

“You guys were – are – young, still teenagers, and you were all just thrown into space. I mean, I  had no idea what I was doing; I had never piloted a mechanical cat before, much less a set of five that collectively forms into a weaponized space robot, but I chose to be up here, Lance. I was prepared for this, well not all of it. Definitely not the aliens or a 10,000-year-old war. But I chose to be up here. You were barely trained to be in space, to handle the isolation, the stress, the homesickness. I couldn’t just tell you guys that the only person trained to be up here is suffering from PTSD and anxiety and panic attacks. Having to teach you guys when I barely knew what I was doing myself didn’t help, but I had to make sure you were prepared for it, that you guys were going to be okay, would be able to go back home in one piece,” he said, raising his stumped arm. “I didn’t want you guys to end up like me.”

“You’re still my hero, Shiro,” Lance says in awe.

Shiro turns to him and smiles; it’s simultaneously sad and childlike, Lance notes, and it reminds him when Marco had told Veronica that kids at school were stupid, of course Santa is real. “Really?”

“Yeah, really! You’re beyond amazing. There’s no word for what you are –”

“Armless, stressed, dead inside,” Shiro lifts a finger for each item but the red paladin just slaps his hand and glares at him.

“– but we’re a team. Hunk, Pidge, Keith, and I, we’re older now; we understand what situation we’re in, and we’ve accepted our roles as paladins so you don’t have to shoulder all of that responsibility by yourself, you don’t have to suffer through it alone. You can talk to us about it - about your PTSD, your anxiety, your unexpected addiction to coffee, anything. We’re a family, aren’t we?”

“We are, so next time, when you also feel like talking to someone, promise me you’ll come and talk to me, Lance.”

“Deal,” the red paladin replied, holding on a hand in between them.

“Deal.” They shook hands and let some silence fill the air because it was a lot to bare for both paladins. “It’s not just you, by the way. I’ve thought about leaving Voltron, too; I thought I was free when Keith was the black paladin. I feel like my hair turned white because of the stress that comes with being a black paladin. Did you know that all of my hair turned white, Lance? I mean _all of it_. Everything is –”

“Okay, Shiro. I get it. I said to share, but I didn’t want to know about that.” Shiro gives a look a disbelief, so he admits that “okay, maybe a little. It was just a passing thought after your eyebrows also turned white, but it was just that one time.”

Shiro laughs, and Lance wishes that they could spend Christmas on earth because Shiro would make a great Santa. When his laughter dies down, he faces Lance. “I wish you talked to me about it, about wanting to leave Voltron. Why didn’t you come to me?”

Lance doesn’t know how to answer, so instead he asks, “Are you mad?”

 “I’m not mad, Lance. How long have you been thinking about it?”

“For a couple of months now. Last time, Keith had left so I could stay. I figured, this time around, it should be me.”

“You’re leaving because it’s your turn since Keith left last time?”

“It’s not just that; it’s simple math, real. Six paladins, five lions,” Lance holds up his fingers to show the math, in case Shiro doubted his calculations. “Voltron needs you, Hunk, Allura, and Pidge. That leaves Keith and I, and you’ve seen Keith, Shiro. He’s like a super-mega-Paladin. He’s flown the black and the red lion, and he’s also a blade. Plus, he’s different now. You should have seen him when we tried to chase after Clone-You. He just took command, went straight to the black lion and started leading. And when we fought Lotor, we were all so in synch. It was so smooth and it felt natural. I mean, yes, we were getting our asses handed to us, but Keith was on top of it. He was listening to Allura, he was level-headed, he was confident in everything decision he made, in everything we did. In the past, he used to just charge ahead, leaving us behind, but it wasn’t like that at all.

“Besides, everyone will be looking to Voltron now that the war is over; it’s important to have someone on the team representing the Galra. Every one of them will be antagonized and demonized by everyone in the universe because of Zarkon’s reign. There will a lot of races that will not accept that there are good Galrans – good Galrans like Kolivan, Thace, Ulaz, Antok, the entire Blade of Marmora – but Keith is proof that there are. Voltron needs him, Shiro.”

“Lance, you’re our sharpshooter. We need you, too.”

“So does my family. I miss them. I don’t know what going home is going to be like after everything, but it’s been unbearable being away from them. I want to say I’ll be strong enough to go back to space after a little dose of home, but I can’t; there’s a part of me that thinks that I won’t want to leave my family after seeing them, a part that thinks it’ll be worse leaving after seeing them. Besides, now is the perfect time because Keith is back. You guys wouldn’t be left short-handed, in fact I’d probably be leaving you over-handed. Keith is more capable than me.”

“Lance, you’re not Keith.”

Lance is confused because yeah, he isn’t, that’s pretty obvious. That was his entire point. “I know. That’s what I’m trying to say.”

“No, Lance, I mean you are not Keith. You guys aren’t comparable. I understand you wanting to leave Voltron and I’ll respect your decision if that’s the choice you make, but I hope it’s not because you think Keith is better than you or that you’re inferior to him. You two are different people, you’re both a pain in the ass.” The red paladin laughs. “But one isn’t worth more than the other. You’re important too, Lance.” Lance can’t describe the look on Shiro’s face as anything other than a dad-face because his papi had that look when he sat Lance down after Luis had been born and Lance had felt unneeded and unimportant. It’s the kind that looks painful to wear, like there is so much love and emotion behind it that one person alone couldn’t carry it, so they shared it with him. “Do you understand me, Lance?”

“You just reminded me of my _papi_.”

Shiro deadpans him, “It’s the hair, isn’t it.” And it’s not a question.

“Excuse you, how old do you think he is?”

“Are you saying he doesn’t look as old as I do with this hair?”

“How old do you think you look?”

“Matt called me Betty White yesterday.”

“Do you want me to color your hair?” Lance offers.

“Maybe,” the black paladin responds, running a hand through his stark white hair.

“Shiro?”

“What?”

“Did you find some water and snacks?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was 7 words shy of being 4k. someone be proud of me.  
> I like Shiro and Lance scenes. I'm here for platonic, intimate relationship between dudes man.  
> Except Keith and Lance. NOthing about that is going to be platonic. not sorry. 
> 
> Being outted sucks, don't do it. No matter how cool they are about it. 
> 
> the titles i almost chose for this:  
> no one is blind, lance.  
> what's that under the bed? a bonding moment.  
> six minus five is one too many  
> keith still sits at the kid's table  
> who's hiding from keith under the bed? Lance and Shiro.  
> Two paladins bonding under the bed? Lance and Shiro.
> 
> translations (I have an apologetic default for trying to write in other languages):  
> pero es Keith, él puede hacer cualquier cosa = but it's keith, he can do anything  
> porque no piense que me gustaban muchachos = because i didn't know I like boys  
> Es decir, tienen razón. Me gusta Keith, me gusta mucho, pero no estaba preparado para contarle = I mean, they're right. I like Keith, I really like him, but I'm not ready to tell him that  
> Todavía no he decidido si voy = I still haven't decided whether to leave or not yet
> 
>    
> i don't know how to write short outros. LEAVE A COMMENT, make my day.


	10. Since The Garrison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's a lot of crying and hunk doesn't get dessert.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> grab a tissue, we should all cry.

“It’s not,” Pidge sighed.

“Do you think Lance is okay? Should we go after him?” the yellow paladin asks worriedly, but Pidge just shrugs.

“If it wasn’t part of the game, then why did you guys want me to kiss Lance?”

“Are you saying you’d do it for the game?” the green paladin slides to Keith and wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

Keith nudges her off him. “I’m saying you guys were kind of assholes. Why were you guys trying to get me and Lance to kiss?” Pidge and Hunk both look at each other incredulously. “Can you guys stop looking at each other like that? I’m not blind.”

“Keith, you can’t seriously-

“I like Lance.” Both paladins across from him just stare, surprised by this blatant statement of affection coming the blade.

“You do?” Hunk asks, eyes narrowed and brows knitted.

“Yeah, Hunk, I do. And I know he likes me too.”

“How long have you known?”

“A month.”

“Wait, if you know he likes you and you like him back, why haven’t you made a move yet?” Pidge asks.

“I don’t think he knows,” Keith confesses, ruffling his hair, a habit he acquired during his two-year absence.

“You mean… Lance doesn’t know he likes guys or Lance doesn’t know he likes you?”

“Both? I don’t know, but I’m okay with taking things slow, I want to take things slow, but I don’t want our first kiss to be something you guys were trying to force.”

“Sorry,” the two say softly, heads slightly bowed in shame.

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to,” and the blade is tired of having to say this. the other paladins just look guiltily away from him. “So, what’s the bet?”

* * *

 Pidge feels guilty, that much is obvious in the way she shoves Matt aside when she’s trying to fix the camp’s a/c system. They’ve been having electrical problems and the nights get cold, so they’ll definitely need the heater working before tonight. She also feels exhausted. She and Hunk had stayed up all night waiting for Lance to come back to their room after searching for him for hours. He didn’t even show up for dinner _or breakfast!_ If they doubted whether he was mad at them, well there was no doubt about it now.

“So, still can’t find Lance?” Matt asked, rubbing his bicep. That was going to bruise.

“No! We’ve searched everywhere. The lions, the rooms, the infirmary, the cafeteria, the station tower, the watch tower, we’ve even walked a five-mile radius but Hunk and I can’t find him. It’s been two days, how is he even eating?”

Matt shrugged. “He could have an accomplice.”

Pidge narrowed her eyes at her brother. “What do you know, Matt.” It’s stated as a question, but Matt knows better.

“I know nothing. I am loyal to you, and only you, my sweet and dear pidgeon.”

 Pidge’s eyes only narrowed more, but her huff indicated he was safe… for now. “Two nights of searching. I’m going to apologize and then I’m going to kill him. He can’t out-hide me; I’m the one who’s sneaky, I’m the master of sneaking. I can break into Zarkon’s ship unnoticed but it’s Lance who evades me?”

“Give him some credit, Pidge. It’s Lance, he’s not stupid.”

“Who said he was stupid?” she snapped.

“Why are you so snippy? Two nights is usually nothing to you.”

Cutting some wires, she sighed. “I don’t handle guilt well. Remember when I broke dad’s gift for mom’s birthday? I acted like it wasn’t me. I broke two phones, yelled at Dad four times, and told Mom she looked ugly in her apron. I also slapped a kid at school and tripped my history teacher… well, he had it coming but the others were inexcusable.”

“What? I only heard about the apron and the phone thing!”

“This is worse, Matt. Hunk and I teased Lance for months and then we just kinda tried to force him into a relationship with Keith.”

“That was you?”

The green paladin whips her head. “You know about that?”

“Uh yeah, he was talking about it when I was fitting Shiro with an arm.”

“You made Shiro an arm without me?”

Matt flicked her on the head. “Wrong thing to focus on, Pidge.”

“Right, right. When was this?”

“Yesterday, after breakfast.”

“We’ve been looking for him for two days! Why didn’t you say anything?” He just shrugged in response. “Where is he now?” She received another shrug. “When was the last time you saw him?”

Matt smirked, “I’ll tell you if you give me your stickers.”

“What?! No! I won them at the space mall. I earned them. They’re my space stickers. Get your own.”

“Isn’t your guilt eating you up?”

“You suck.”

“I know,”

“And swallow,” she finished, connecting the wires and soldering them together. “The a/c should be working now, go check. I’m gonna go get those stickers.”

 

Coming back from her lion with all her alien stickers with her, she spotted Hunk. “Did you find him?”

“No, but I think Shiro is smuggling him food. I was in the kitchen, guilt eating, and he snuck in and stole some snacks from the fridge.”

“Okay, you wanna switch. I can grill Shiro and you can give these to Matt. Use this one to pry the best information out of him,” Pidge instructed, holding up a palm-sized sticker of a half-robot, half-weblum in a bikini top.

“What is that even?”

“He’s weird. You should see his porn history, that sick fu-“

“Pidge.”

“I’m not kink-shaming, just kink-blackmailing,” were her parting words before she darted to find the black paladin.

Shiro was petting Yorak when Pidge found him. “Hey, Pidge.”

“Hey, Shiro. Do you know where Lance is because I’m ready to fight you for that information-”

“Yeah, he’s -”

“No lions. Just our bayards. Get ready for some ass-“

“Pidge!” When the green paladin stops to look at him, he just sighed and shakes him head. “He’s been hiding on top of the red lion.”

“No way we could have checked there! That’s cheating.”

“Here,” he offered a tupperware of food. “Fix this, Pidge.”

She looked down in shame. “Keep it. I have a better idea."

* * *

 Hunk and Pidge rendezvoused to formulate a plan. This couldn’t just me a half-assed apology; Lance deserved the full ass - both butt cheeks, baby!

When dinnertime came around, the two paladins had skipped dinner and brought their own home-made meal up to Lance in the red lion. The way up was difficult to say the least, but they were professionals at scaling by this point. As paladins and masters of recon (at least, Pidge was), scaling was a necessary skill, and Hunk was not one to fall behind.

The atmosphere had definitely gotten chillier around this hour and it was clear now why fixing the a/c had been prioritized. It would only get colder, but luckily, the under armor of their paladin suits were thermal ware otherwise, this would be a lot more difficult. Had Lance been sleeping up here the past few nights?

When they reached the top, Lance was laying down, talking to himself in Spanish. Pidge hadn’t taken Spanish, instead opted for French, but preferred the language of coding above all else. Hunk had taken Spanish, but that was more than a few years ago; he could hardly understand what Lance was saying and could only catch words here and there. Something about family and home and bi. Maybe they were intruding, but two nights had already gone by, they really couldn’t afford another. So, the knocked.

“Hey, buddy,” Hunk greeted, heaving a backpack over himself before finally being able to rest on top of the red lion.

Lance sat up, pulling his hood down. “So, Shiro ratted me out, huh?” he asked, seeing Pidge emerge from the edge of his lion. “Hey, Pidgey.” He got the finger in response. He leaned forward to poke Hunk’s backpack when he realized that Pidge had one too. “Are you guys running away or something – what’s up with backpacks and the ninja suits?”

The yellow paladin slid his backpack closer to the red paladin with an invitation. “Open it.”

“It’s your apology dinner,” Pidge clarifie, when Lance had taken out tupperwares of odd substances. He would describe the look on her face similar to that of a child who was caught stealing cookies from a cookie jar after being explicitly told they were forbidden from doing so, which isn’t such so far fetch since he was sure Pidge would definitely steal cookies from a cookie jar especially because she was told not to. “We’ve got a lot to apologize for you, so we also brought dessert.” She pulled out more tupperwares and he definitely prefers this over what Shiro would have probably brought, which would be protein and vegetables, or whatever alien form of vegetables that were available.

He had thought that Shiro had finally gotten tired of bringing him food and had held out on giving him dinner to drive him to join them for some food, but Lance had held out. A little proud that he did, another day and he probably wouldn’t have lasted. Grabbing the utensils, he dug in, unsurprised but grateful nonetheless for the wonderfully tasty meal that was undoubtedly Hunk’s doing.

“We wanted to say sorry, Lance,” the yellow paladin started, Pidge nodding along.

“And we are, really.”

“We haven’t been treating you all that well the past several months – leaving you along a lot, not trusting your judgement, belittling you, teasing you about your crush on Allura.”

“We thought it was just a small crush but that doesn’t excuse it. You just came off as a playboy, so we didn’t think you were serious about liking her. Saying we didn’t intend to hurt your feeling would be really ignorant of us, but we are sorry that we hurt you and even more sorry that we didn’t notice and we continued to do it.” Lance could somewhat understand what Pidge was saying. _I did label myself as a playboy,_ he pondered but it didn’t make it okay; he knew this and he was glad they did too.

“We understand why you wouldn’t have wanted us to know about your crush on Keith or maybe your sexuality. I mean, from the way we treated you previous, I wouldn’t have either, but, Lance, buddy, you have always been my best friend and there is nothing that will ever change that. You and I have gone through some good and a lot of bad lately, but you have always stuck by me, by us, and I’m sorry we didn’t do the same.”

“Yeah, I mean, when you found out I was a girl, you didn’t treat me any differently. And even though I always kept to myself or wandered off away from you guys in the garrison, you were always looking out for me. Even when we became, paladins, you still looked out for me, Lance. Even now, you’re still looking out for me. And it sucks that I hurt you and I can’t take it back, but I am sorry. And I’m sorry, for y’know, outing you too. I thought you just knew that you weren’t straight, I mean, you were always talking about how hot Shiro is and how cute Keith would be if he didn’t have a mullet and you even said that Lotor was beautiful-“

“He is. I mean, it doesn’t make him any less evil, but he is beautiful,” Lance interjected through mouthfuls of food.

“I just thought that you weren’t ashamed of it, that you didn’t think you needed to come out or something because you’ve always been open about who you like and who you’re attracted too. It doesn’t give me the right to take your coming out away from you, I mean, I at least got the choice to tell you guys that I wasn’t a boy when Shiro and everyone else knew. So-”

“I knew,” Lance interrupted again. “I knew you were a girl.”

“Y-you did?”

“Yeah,” Lance smiled sheepishly.

“But… you made a big deal out of it,” she replied slowly and suspiciously.

The red paladin shrugged, “It was a big deal. You trusted us enough to tell us. Hunk and I knew you for more than a year and you still kept it close to your chest. It took you that long plus us finding Shiro and going to space and becoming paladins and forming Voltron just to tell us something we already knew; it was a big deal, Pidge. W-woah don’t cry!” Lance reached forward, setting aside his food, but it was too late, there were tears already pooling at the corner of her eyes.

Pidge was one blink away from crying and she could feel the redness as she attempted to keep her eyes open. “I’m not crying,” she replied as she dug the heels of her palms into her eyes.

“HUnk?!” he cried out, looking to the yellow paladin for help but it was clear he didn’t know what to do either. Pidge rarely ever cried in front of them. If Slav were here, Lance was sure the percentage in all realities would still be less that 0.5%

Nothing she did could stop the tears now. “I’m really sorry, Lance. I’m so sorry. For the jokes. For outing you. For Keith. For everything. I’m really, really, really, really sorry.” Lance could really see how young Pidge really was when she cried. She seemed childlike now more than ever in that way she sobbed unapologetically, hands limp on her lap, the sounds raw and unfiltered. She was crying the way toddlers cried, the way it took almost all their energy just to cry, the way they could pass out from crying. And Lance was worried she would pass out from crying. He had only ever seen this kind of sobbing in his nieces and nephews and his little sister, Isabella.

Lance looked to Hunk once again for help, but the yellow paladin was crying now too. Not to the same extent but the tear-stained cheeks shimmered in the night. “W-wait, Hunk! Buddy, why are you crying?! This is unfair, aren’t you guys supposed to be apologizing? I’m the one who should be crying,” and, as if on cue, he was crying now too.

Hunk scooted over to him and wrapped him in a bear hug, a wave of warmth encompassing his body. “I’m really sorry, Lance! We’re really sorry,”

Pidge’s small hands had also found their way around him, and she continued to apologize, almost harmonizing with her counter part, and the he wondered whether this synchronicity was planned. They begged profusely as if  Lance had no intention of forgiving them, but he had done his own share of inexcusable acts and his siblings had always forgiven him in the long run; so, he would do the same for Hunk and Pidge because they were his siblings too.

When Lance could feel his tear ducts drying, he wiped the excess tears away and rubbed his cheeks, just to warm his face if anything, before pulling away from their hugs. “I’m not saying that I’m still not mad at you guys or that I’m okay with being outted or forced into situations like that ‘team bonding’ thing because I’m still at least like moderately mad and I definitely wasn’t comfortable with the way you guys handled the Keith situation, but we’re okay so can we all stop crying now,” he suggested. The other two paladins wiped their own tears away and nodded. Lance couldn’t help himself from wondering what they must look like to anyone else – huddled around two backpacks worth of food, sobbing in the cold air. They must look insane. He certainly felt a little insane and couldn’t help himself from laughing, and Hunk and Pidge joined in.

 

 

They ate their desserts back in their room because it was too cold outside to stay any longer, but not before they each took a hot shower. Hot water was limited so it was pretty short, but any warmth was welcome.

“So, how long have you guys known?” Lance asked, taking a bite of the cakey textured dessert.

“Known what?” Hunk asked, towel drying his hair.

“About me being gay?”

“Uh, since the garrison, but I thought you were more bi than anything.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Hunk turned to look at him, quizzically.  “What would I say? ‘Oh hey, Lance. You’re looking quite bisexual this morning?’”

Lance shrugged, “You could have. How about Keith? How long have you guys known about Keith?”

Hunk and Pidge looked at each other before simultaneously replying. “Since the garrison.”

“What?! No way, I didn’t like Keith while we were in the garrison!”

“Except that you did,” Pidge said, stealing scoops from Hunk’s dessert. “You were always talking about how great a pilot he was and how if he would just get rid of his mullet, he’d be more attractive or how you were going to beat him at the flight simulations and then he’d be forced to acknowledge you or how you'd consider dating him if he was a girl or-”

“Okay, Pidge, I get it. I guess you could classify that as having a crush," he murmured. "How did I not know? Was I trying to like repress my bisexuality? Does that make me biphobic? Holy quiznak, am I homophobic?!.”

“You aren’t,” Hunk replied. “I don’t think that’s how homophobia works.”

“I don’t deserve to like boys,” he whispered, sneaking scoops from Hunk’s since his own dessert was finished and discarded. He lied down on his bed, sifting through all his interactions with Keith in the garrison. Looking back, he agrees with his teammates; he definitely was no king of subtlety. But Keith didn’t remember him from the garrison, so at least he wasn’t the only one oblivious to his own feelings. Of course, Keith knows him now and while most of their interactions before Lance became the red paladin were that of mild annoyance and faint tolerance, even he was aware that he had some teensy eensy bit of attraction towards him. He had chalked it up to the heart-pumping thrill of unplanned, but well-coordinated attacks during missions and the blood- boiling arguments that made his whole face heat up. Did those also escape Keith’s notice? “Do you think Keith knows?”

“About your sexuality or your crush?”

“Both.” But he was only met with silence. “He knows, doesn’t he?”

“Well if he didn’t before, the Monsters & Mana shit show might have filled in some gaps,” Pidge replied.

“Or,” Hunk offered, “he could be just as blind to it as he was in the garrison?” The yellow paladin knew this wasn’t true; Keith had told them that he knew Lance liked him, but saying this seemed like it would deject Lance. Hunk wanted Lance to have enough spirit to confess to Keith himself. 

“I hope not, he didn’t even remember me from the garrison.” 

“Did you guys finish my dessert?!” Hunk yelled, holding up his empty tupperware.

Lance and Pidge just looked at each other before raising a hand to point against the other. “He did it.”

“No, she did it!”

“You guys suck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been like a week. I have finals and projects due within these next couple of months and i'm here for the cry fest.
> 
> honestly, I wish i had friends like this trio. 
> 
> poop
> 
>  
> 
> p.s. sorry its shorttttt


	11. 나 너한테 키스하고 싶어 뽀뽀하고 싶어요

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 너한테 키스하고 싶어.  
> 난 너한테 뽀뽀하고 싶어.  
> 너와 키스하고 싶다.  
> 나는 너에게 키스하고 싶다.  
> 나 너한테 키스하고 싶어.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fair warning: I didn't edit this.
> 
> also there are 4 photos at the end of the story of the flowers i referenced a couple of chapters back so beware of large images. 
> 
> i don't know korean. sorry if i butchered the title.

Lance had been avoiding Keith. It was a lot easier after leaving the refuge camp; they were only three weeks from earth now. He did want to talk to him before they reached their planet but building the courage to do it felt nearly impossible. _Do people even confess anymore? Don’t they just flirt their ways into relationships? This is crazy, he’s going to think I hate him again._

Keith on the other hand was relentless. It’s been a week since they’ve left camp and at every given opportunity, he tried to speak to Lance face to face but to no avail. In the beginning, he let it slide, hoping to give the other some space. Maybe the red paladin was just embarrassed from that night, but the more it became evident that Lance was avoiding him, the more frustrated and furious he became. He contemplated the ambushing him again, but that took too much planning and he just wanted to talk to Lance, not propose to him. Opening a private channel, he tried to reach the paladin.

“Lance.” _Speak of the devil,_ Lance thought, but did not reply. The blade checked their channel, but there was no interference or shoddy connection, so he concluded the paladin must be choosing to ignore him. “Can you hear me?”

Another long stretch of silence. He almost sighs in defeat before he hears the _kkkkcccctttt_ of Lance’s open mic. “Yeah. I can hear you.”

He sighs in relief instead. “I wanted to talk in person, but you’ve gotten pretty good at your evasive maneuvers. Have you been practicing?” Lance can hear the slight smirk in his voice. _Quiznak, is he flirting?_ The paladin opts for more silence. “Can we talk next time we stop?”

“Talk about what?”

“You’ll find out.”

“Woah, wait, what makes you think I’ll do it if you don’t even tell me what it’s about?”

“I’m betting on your curiosity.”

“Ohhh no, no, no, no, no. Uh-uh. You can’t just tell me we need to talk and then not tell me what about. Tell me right now, mullet.”

“You and your pet names,” the blade replied fondly.

 _Fuck. He’s flirting. He is definitely flirting… He is flirting, isn’t he?_ “Are you flirting?”

In reply, all he received was bubbly laughter. “Yeah. How am I doing?”

 _Keith, buddy, what the actual fuck?_ It took all of Lance’s will power not to squeal, but even his response came out a little high-pitched. “Did you learn that in the Quantum Abyss?”

“Uh, something like that.” Like he hadn’t been mentally flirting with Lance for a long time now. “So, will you meet with me later?”

 _That almost sounds like a date._ “Are you not going to tell me what it’s about?”

“No.”

“Will there be more flirting?” Keith laughs and honestly, a small part of Lance feels like the past years they’ve spent together were wasted with its absence. _That’s unfair._

“Guess you’ll have to come and find out.”

“You got me,” because if he wasn’t curious before, he is now. Lance pauses to build up a little bit of courage, because even though he wasn’t about to confess, flirting with Keith still made him a little nervous. “Heh, you know, earlier, it almost sounded like you were asking me out on a date.”

He’s met with a quiet hum of the comm. _Is this what if felt like when I wasn’t replying? This is nerve-wracking._ “Trust me, Lance. If I was asking you out on a date, you would know.” _Fuck, that was hot. Did his voice get deeper? Shit shit shit shit shit…_  “So, I’ll see you later, okay?” but Keith doesn’t even give him the chance to answer before leaving their channel. _Okay, not a date, not a date. What the hell does he want to talk about? There is absolutely nothing to talk about, we haven’t spoked since that night._ And, as if on cue, Pidge’s words remind him.

_“Well if he didn’t before, that night have filled in some gaps.”_

_He knows._ Lance let out a long groan, forgetting his mic was now open to the public channel.

“You okay, buddy?”

“Yep, yep. I’m great. I’m good,” he replied, muting his mic right after. _He’s definitely going to reject me._ Sure, he flirted with Lance, but maybe Keith 2.0 is a flirt now. Who knows? People change a lot in two years _._ _Ugh, I want to talk to Shiro,_ which proved to be difficult since the subject he wanted to discuss would most likely be in the same room.

Lance contemplated whether he should actually meet with Keith. The promise of flirting was incentive, but the possibility of rejected outweighed that. And Lance was starting to find love in math, in the way it provided him with concrete evidence to support his decisions. Lance wasn’t going to meet Keith. If Keith wanted to reject him, he’s going to have to wait until they get to earth.

* * *

 

Keith stormed into the black lion, muttering angrily to himself, chucking his jacket aside. “Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable.”

“Everything alright?” Shiro asked, warily, trying to recall the last time Keith had said fuck.

“No, it’s not-“

“What ha-”

“Lance is avoiding me! Can you believe that? It was hard enough re-establishing our relationship before I left for the Blade, and now he wants to risk it all because he’s chicken shit. Just because someone suggested we kiss, he goes and ignores me for two weeks. Two weeks! I’ve been gone for two years, and-”

“Few months, really,” Shiro corrected but it only earned him a glare.

“and he wants to add another two weeks. I can’t believe him, is this any way to treat someone you like?”

Shiro froze, “You know?”

“Why is everyone so surprised by that?” Keith fell on his back beside Shiro, sighing most of the anger out of him. Calmer, he replies, “You’d have to be blind not to see it. He’s always making that adorably stupid face, the one that looks like he wants to kiss me… Shiro, I want to kiss him.”

“Why haven’t you?”

“It wasn’t the right time then.”

“And it is now?”

Keith wonders, _is it?_ He’s been ready for a long time now, but was Lance? “I thought it was. Maybe I should wait until we get to earth. There’s not even any good places to take him out on a date around here, anyway.”

Shiro shrugs; he was right. There were hardly any scenic planets around, it’d be hard for a first date.

“Shiro, what happens when we get back to earth?”

“I don’t know. I’m sure everyone will want to see their family first. I know I do. I don’t think my mom will be happy about my this,” he pulled at his bangs before dropping his hand. “Or this,” he added, holding his new prosthetic, courtesy of Matt.

Keith chuckled, grabbing the arm and holding it up in the light. “I don’t think she’ll like the stickers. Is that half-weblum?”

“The only reason that’s on there is to cover that giant dick drawing he painted on it.”

“He won’t even see Yorak… Maybe I scared him off.”

“You? Scare Lance off? Come on, Keith. You and I both know he rises to every challenge against him, especially when you’re involved. Why don’t we train? Maybe it’ll help you get your mind off it, besides, I’d been cleared for two weeks now.”

Keith jumped to his feet, hyped to spar with Shiro. Training alone wasn’t nearly as fun as doing it with someone better than you, besides he was sure he could beat Shiro this time.  “I’m going to kick your ass, Shirogane.”

“You can try, Kogane.”

* * *

 

Lance was hungry. He’s been eating regularly so he’s previous diet of one or no meals a day was no longer acceptable; he needs food or he’s going to die. Unfortunately, all he had in his lion were water pouches and those bark snacks that were absolutely awful. He stared at them in contemplation; they tasted so bad but he’s so hungry. He carefully peeled the wrapped off one, sniffing it just in case he could satisfy his hunger by the smell alone; he couldn’t. Holding it out to Kaltenecker, he offered her a piece, but she only mooed and turned her entire body away from him.

“I miss the refugee camp,” he muttered, taking a bite and forcing himself to chew it before swallowing. It tasted bad, but it would be worst to choke on I because he didn’t want to risk being caught by Keith during dinner, and by this point, it was too late into to the night to ask anyone to sneak him some food. He had lent Pidge and Matt his video games and his space mall magazines had been used for toilet paper, so he was left with very minimal entertainment. 

He would go out for a walk, but he remembered that Keith likes to walk Yorak late at night too. was childish of him to avoid the blade but he was still 18. He can be as childish as he wants; Keith’s the mature one now anyway.

“Kaltenecker, buddy, have you ever liked anyone?” Receiving no response from the cow, Lance continued. “Don’t tell anyone – mot even those mice or Yorak, absolutely no one, Kaltenecker – but I like Keith. Have you met Keith? I don’t think I’ve ever introduced you guys, but I’ll do it properly one day, but I really like him. I don’t think it’s just because he was giving me his attention when no one else was either. I think that I could really love him, but I don’t know what would happen if things don’t work out between us. It was different with my ex’s. Back on earth, relationships have certain points where you have to address whether to break up or not – like graduation, y’know? Kind of like an expiration date or whatever. I don’t think I can handle it if Keith and I… It was hard enough with him leaving when we were just friends. If we were in a relationship and I choose to stay on earth, if he leaves… And he’s been so great since he came back, making me fall in love with him – that jerk. Doesn’t he know how hard this is? Coming back all _y’know_ … It’s unfair. He was already beautiful before, but now he’s just…more. if you saw him, Kaltenecker, you’d understand. Maybe if I read more Shakespeare, I could do him justice, but Shakespeare’s never met Keith Kogane so maybe he wouldn’t be able to do him justice either.

Lance paused, realizing what he just said, consequently feeling the threatening blush creep up his neck. “If Veronica heard me right now, I’d never live it down. I think mama would like him. Luiz would absolutely love him. I don’t know if Keith has ever had something like a little brother, but I don’t think Luiz would be against it. Marco, he’ll have to win over. But Keith would fit right in, don’t you think?” Lance turns to look at the cow, but she just blinks. “Maybe I shouldn’t wait out his rejection. If he meets my family and they fall in love with him, it’s going to be worst.” With his newfound burst of energy, he stood up and reached for his comm to apologize to Keith and see if they could meet before realizing that he was probably asleep.

“I’ll just see if he’s awake,” he muttered, opening a channel to Keith. “Keith? Are you awake?”

 

 

 

Keith must be delirious from exhaustion because he can hear his voice, feint and staticky in his head.

“Shiro, do you hear that?”

Shiro was beside him, faced-down on the surface of the black lion. “Don’t talk to me, I’m tired. I can’t believe you almost beat me. I used to have to pretend to be tired, jesus fucking christ, I’m old.”

Keith was about to laugh, but it came out strained and painful. “Don’t make me laugh, you asshole. My abs hurt.”

“Serves you right, fighting an old man like me. Have you no mercy, Keith? Don’t you respect your elders. Kids these days.” But Shiro’s voice was muffled by the floor.

“You’re only 5 years older than me.”

“It used to be 7.”

“You’re getting soft, Shiro. You needed the workout.”

“Say that to my face.”

“Sure, once you peel yourself off the floor. Where did you learn that last move? I’ve never seen you use it before.”

“I didn’t. It wasn’t mine… must be muscle memory.”

“From Other-Shiro?” Keith didn’t get a reply so he assumed that he was nodding. “Do you think Other-Shiro was good?”

“Yeah. I don’t think he knew he was being used as a surveillance camera.”

“Like a sleeper spy?”

“Mhmm. He was designed to be me and if I know myself, I would never willingly be a spy. I think he had his own consciousness.”

“… Do you think I killed an actual person?”

Shiro lifted his head on to turn it to face him. “You didn’t kill him, Keith. He’s with me, within me. His voice is small, but he’s not gone. I don’t know how to describe it, but being in this body, it just feels like our consciousness melded together. I still have majority control, but we share a lot of characteristics and sometimes it’s hard for me to tell if I’m the one thinking it or it’s him.”

“Does that mean Haggar can still spy on us?”

“I don’t think so. When I was in the black lion and he would pilot it, I could feel her presence in him, but I don’t feel it anymore… Do you think I should be blindfolded, just in case?”

“Shiro, don’t be kinky -just close your eyes.”

Shiro laughed. “Ow, that does hurt. Wait, what’s that noise? Is that Lance?”

They both quieted and they could hear a microscopic voice, similar to a low humming. It could have easily been mistaken for the whirring of the lion if it had been in action. They might have still convinced themselves it was if it weren’t for the whining stretch of Keith’s name.

 

_“Keeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiittttttthhhhh. Keeeeeithy. Keitthhh.”_

Shiro attempted to lift his arm to point but felt its heaviness too powerful. “It’s your comm.”

Keith rolled onto his stomach and used his forearms to drag his body across the floor to his helmet, slipping it on only to roll onto his back again. He tired to slow his heartbeat and breathing before opening his mic.

“Keeeeeeeeeeiiiiiii-”

“Lance?”

“OH! I didn’t think you’d be awake. Did I wake you?” The blade closed his eyes and smiled.

“No. It’s good to hear your voice.” Lance didn’t respond. “Lance, are you still there?”

“I’m sorry for earlier, for not meeting with you, but if you, y’know, aren’t tired, do you think you’d want to go out?” Keith snapped up into a sitting position. Did Lance just…? He can feel his heartbeat increasing and he was desperately trying to open his mouth to say yes, but his mouth was dry and – “for a walk, I mean,” Lance coughed in embarrassment, correcting himself. “Do you wanna go out for a walk?” Keith felt himself deflate and sink back onto the floor, melting into it. _It’s not a rejection,_ Keith reminded himself. Lance likes him; he knows this, why was he doubting that?

Keith considered teasing Lance. _If I didn’t know any better, McClain, I’d say you’re asking me out on a date,_ but maybe his earlier flirting had been a turn off and that’s why he didn’t show up. Instead, the blade replied, “Yeah. I’d like that, Lance,” smiling and warm from the invitation. “I’ll pick you up in 5,” because he really couldn’t help himself.

“I-I can,” Lance coughed, and his next sentence came out more confidently. “I’ll pick you up.”

“Someone’s got a date,” Shiro sang. Keith took off his shoe and chucked it at the former paladin. “Ow! Is this how we raised you?!”

“Shut up. I’m so happy,” Keith chuckled, covering his face with the crook of his elbows because he was embarrassingly happy. _It’s not even a date, Kogane. Calm down._ “I’m going to tell him.”

 

Ignoring the pain and aches of his body, he got ready, tried to wash away the sweat and the odor from his sparring session with his water pouches and a small cloth. He changed into different clothes, hoping it would make him smell better. He was a little over 5 quintants, so by the time he reached the paw of his lion, Lance was already there.

The red paladin looked at Keith, fully dressed in clothing provided by the refugee camp, which was similar to Puigan ware in blue and gray, which provided a good reference for what Keith would look like in his own blue and gray baseball shirt, and just the image made him red.

“Are you blushing? I just got here, I haven’t done anything yet.” _Yet… This guy is going to kill me._

“I didn’t know you stole clothes from the camp.”

“I didn’t. Matt did. This is for you,” Keith offered him a small container of food. “It’s all I could save before Matt and Pidge finished all the food.”

“Thanks.” Lance grabbed the food and they started their walk. “I haven’t seen Yorak in a while.”

“He’s been staying with Krolia because his favorite paladin won’t pay attention to him.”

Lance looked at the blade with furrowed eyebrows and a frown. “Why aren’t you paying attention to him? He’s a good boy, Keith.”

Keith mentally slapped himself but couldn’t stop himself from smiling. “Yeah, well I was preoccupied with my favorite paladin who wasn’t paying attention to me.” He paid close attention to the way Lance’s blush blossomed from his neck towards his cheeks, catching his ears along the way. There’s something satisfying about making someone you like blush uncontrollably. And because he’s sadistic, he added, “I’m a good boy, aren’t I, Lance?”

“ _Ay d _ios mío,__ _” he whispered, hunching over to cover his face. “You’re going to kill me.”_ Lance refused to meet his eye for the following half hour.

Keith could barely hold his laughter in, but he let it explode in his chest. Fireworks had nothing on Lance McClain. “For one fleeting moment, I thought maybe you hated me again,” he confessed.

The red paladin looked at him, straightened up to meet his eye. “Keith, I’ve never hated you.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

“Not even in the garrison?”

Lance paused. After what Pidge and Hunk had said at the camp and after his own memory rummaging, he can safely say, it was definitely his repressed sexuality. “Not even then. Not that it matters,” he smirked. “You didn’t even remember me, hotshot.”

“Did it hurt when I didn’t remember you?”

“My ego definitely took a hit, but I didn’t stand a chance against the force that is Keith Kogane, did I?”

“You think if we were still in the garrison, we’d be friends?”

Lance wanted to say yes. He really did because he doesn’t need to imagine what his life would be like without Keith. He’s lived it and it sucked. He would never go back. Keith’s absence wasn’t the sole reason it sucked, but as a time stamp, the moment Keith left to a couple of months after his return, existing seemed to a burden on Lance and everyone else. So of course he wanted to say yes, but he remembers garrison Keith, who only looked to Shiro. The only other person he ever paid attention to was James and that was only because he talked a lot of shit, things that crossed lines and Lance didn’t cross lines. Lance honestly wasn’t all that surprised that he escaped Keith’s notice. And that was the reality of it. If they were still in the garrison, if he’d never tried to saved Shiro in hopes of being acknowledged by Keith, if the blue lion never chose him, they probably would never have been friends. So, Lance replied with the only truth that mattered. “I want to say yes.”

For Keith, that was enough because it meant that Lance wanted to be friends, that he wanted Keith in his life in some alternate universe where they weren’t forced to be together. “Why do I feel like you keep drifting away from me?” Lance kept walking alongside the blade, but internally, he was paralyzed by this question. Was now the right time to tell Keith about leaving Voltron? “Don’t try to deny it, Lance. I can feel it the most. We’re just getting closer but any opportunity you’re given to pull away, you take full advantage of it and it just feels like you’re getting ready to leave.”

Lance smiles because of the irony: when in the garrison, he tried his best to be noticed by Keith but ended up unmemorable and now that he’s trying to hide from him, he sees it all.

“Why are you smiling?”

“I was just thinking about how the only thing you might now know is how much I like you.”

Keith tilts his head in fondness, smiling at Lance’s profile, “I know, Lance.”

“You what? Since when – and don’t say the garrison.”

“You’ve liked me since the garrison?” Keith whispered.

Lance’s eyes widened. “What, no?! Who fed that idea in your mullet brain? Haha nope, don’t remember.”

“Lance,” and the red paladin felt the blade’s hands around his wrist. “Since the garrison?”

“Okay, maybe, it’s possible that, for a small degree, I may have, you know, since the garrison, possibly liked you – BUT JUST A LITTLE!” Lance unhanded himself from Keith’s grasp, crossing his arms and glaring at Keith. “Okay, you’re turn. How long have you known?”

“Since you told about me the Omega Shield.”

“Keith, that was two months ago.”

“It was.”

“So when Hunk wanted you to kiss me…”

“I wanted to kiss you.”

“What?”

“I want to kiss you.”

Lance was confused. “I’m confused. You wanted to kiss me or you want to kiss me?”

“Both,” and Lance couldn’t believe that Keith could turn into any other color than purple, but there the he was, his pale complexion turning red. But instead of looking embarrassed, his eyes were firmly piercing into his own with conviction that neither Keith nor Lance could deny. How could anyone look so serious when they were beet red? _That should not be hot,_ but Lance was simultaneously scared by and attracted to it.

“I’m thinking of leaving Voltron,” he blurted out in a panic.

“What?” his face remained red, but his eyes softened in confusion.

“I haven’t made a decision yet, but I’ve been thinking of leaving Voltron. That’s why I’ve been pulling away from you. I like you, Keith, like an unbelievable amount, but you knew that,” he mumbled the last part.

“But I just got back,” Keith whispered. “I just got back and you’re leaving? Why? Lance, you’re irreplaceable.”

Lance just smiled, and Keith wanted to punch it from his face. It didn’t look right. It didn’t reach his eyes. It barely reached his cheeks. “You’ll find another paladin.”

“I’m not talking about that, Lance.”

The paladin chuckled and jokingly said, “Are you saying I’m replaceable as a paladin?”

“No! That’s not at all what I’m saying, why would you even.... You’re irreplaceable in every sense of the word, Lance. Is that why you’re leaving? Because there’s six paladins now? Because you should talk to Shiro.”

“I have, and it’s not just that. I miss my family and I miss earth and I miss the beach and I want to go back home. I can’t promise that after going back, I’d want to leave again, so I won’t. And I am not going to ask you to stay with me. You and Shiro, space is your dream. It’s where you found your mom, where you found yourself.  I’m not going to hold you back. You deserve more than that. If we were to be together, our relationship won’t be able to transcend light years.”

“The Holts have. Sam and Colleen are still together.”

“We don’t know that. And besides, they’ve got two kids and like three decades of romantic history. I just found out I like guys, more importantly you. And you know how shit my self-esteem is right now, I won’t last. You leaving for the Blade was hard enough and we were only friends. If you left again, and I stayed on earth, it’s going to wreck me, Keith. And I don’t want you to feel responsible for it and I sure as hell don’t want you staying just for me.”

Keith was simmering in anger and every sentence Lance speaks brings him closer to a boil. He can feel his Galran side emerging, feeling parts of his skin toughen harder, can see his vision changing when it glows, feel his teeth sharpen. He tried to repress it all; Lance wasn’t afraid to see him fully Galran, but last time it had happen, it was unpleasant for both of them and he didn’t want him to think that he loses control over himself any time he’s becomes upset, because he understood what Lance was saying, understood where he was coming from, understood that he was just scared of getting hurt again, but so much of this felt familiar. It was like Adam and Shiro all over again, except he and Lance weren’t even in a romantic relationship and they aren’t even on earth yet, and Lance was already telling him to go back to space. “So you’ve decided all by yourself that you don’t deserve to be with me? Don’t I get to say?”

Lance sighed, conceding. “Yeah, Keith. You get a say.”

“I like you, and I want to kiss you.” The paladin turned to face the blade, whose eyes were glowing yellow, his iris remaining its indigo hue; however, unlike the last he saw these eyes, they’re magical now more than they had been frightening. Lance mumbled an okay in response, but hardly heard himself say it. There’s still a hardness to Keith’s gaze, the specks of gold shimmering in the glow of his eyes diffusing their steeliness; it was mesmerizing enough to distract Lance from the decreasing distance between them as Keith leaned in. “I’m going to kiss you now,” Lance only nodded, leaning forward as he felt Keith’s calloused hands gently slip into the nape of his neck, pulling him closer and closer until their lips met. Keith’s lips were dry and contrasted Lance’s soft lips, but that hardly deterred the paladin from deepening it, his own hands reaching for the blade’s hair, for once, grateful that the mullet gives his something to grasp at.

Keith gently pulled away, breathless and with his hand still one the other. “I thought I had more stamina.”

Lance laughed, equally breathless when he sees Keith’s _Kimballiae_ _Irises_. “Your eyes are glowing,”

“Shit, sorry,” Keith said, trying to blink his eyes back to normal, reaching for his hair to cover it when Lance pulled him back into a kiss. Shorter this time.

“Leave it. I like them like that.”

It’s only his eyes, but Keith feels like his entire being is glowing and he never wants to stop. “A trial period.”

“What?”

“Give me a trial period, and if we don’t work out, if you don’t think we can work out, I’ll surrender. I’ll give up.”

“I thought the Galran way was Victory or Death?”

“I’m only half.” Thrilled the paladin was laughing again, Keith’s smile widened and he felt his face aching in happiness.

“Keith, you don’t need a trial period. I already like you,” he replied and even though he knows it’s stupid and that he’s just riding the high of their kiss, Lance is willing to risk it because Keith is worth it and so was he.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[a/n: the irises:]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was too excited to edit it, yikes. 
> 
> anyways 4666 words. It feels good, I didn't even want to cut it into separate chapters and honestly this wasn't how I originally planned how they'd come together. It was supposed to be cute with a shit ton of flirting and teases and jokes but it's hard to plan shit like that when you're in space and there's no place to go for a date and your date kind of blew you off... it also wasn't supposed to get heavy, i wanted to save the fighting for later, when they're like well into their relationship. domesticity. idk where i'm going with this fic honestly, but i know one thing: it beats studying for finals. 
> 
> leave a comment, make my day :)


	12. The Black Paladin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> paladin, paladin, does whatever paladins do, can he save the universe? yes he can, cause he's your pal.

Shiro hadn’t tried flying the black lion since his return. How could he when he was prone to passing out and then armless for a good while? So while Keith was away on his non-date with Lance, he sank into the comfort of the pilot’s seat, having to adjust it to his height after Keith had clearly changed the position.

He hands gripping the controls, he tried to re-establish his connection with the black lion, having stayed away so that Keith could pilot, but maybe now that he had a normal prosthetic and was cleared for physical exertion, he could alleviate Keith from his duty. If it goes well, who knows, maybe Keith will be flying in the red lion instead. But as Shiro focused, he couldn’t feel a tether to the lion at all.

“Maybe I’m just rusty,” he muttered to himself, squirming in his seat to find a better level of comfort. The second, third, and fourth tries didn’t result any differently from the first. It was possible for a lion to reject its paladin while still being alive, Lance and Blue were proof of that, so he shouldn’t be surprised. He wasn’t, really. Maybe a little sad, but mostly relief. He’d been fighting for so long and, sure, his death offered him a break, but this was the definitive moment; his connection with the black lion is gone. Part of him will miss flying the lion and he suspects he’ll never get remotely close to the same thrill it offered, but all good things come to an end. He’d happily step back if it offered any hope of his hair returning to its original color.

Shiro released his grip from the controls, placing his real hand on its dashboard. “Thanks for choosing me as your paladin and letting my fly you. It’s been an honor.” It was in that position that Keith saw him when he returned.

“Shiro, what are you doing?”

“Nothing! How was your date with –  uh, you’re fully galra,” Shiro stated as if Keith hadn’t already noticed. He approached Keith, hands flying to play with the ears. “Does this change your hearing?”

“Quit that!” Keith swatted the prying hands away from his ears. “It wasn’t a date. And yeah, it does.”

“How come I’ve never seen you in your galran form?”

“Because I can’t control it. It just happens sometime, when I’m really angry or …”

“In love?” Shiro offered, eyebrows waggling. The blade chucked the closest thing he can find at him.

“You’re worse than Matt sometimes.”

“No one is worse than Matt.”

“Pidge.” And who could really argue that.  “What were you doing in the pilot’s seat? Thinking of leaving again?” Keith teased, albeit slightly worried about the answer he might received.

“No.” Shiro grabbed his own sleeping bag, wondering how to answer while thinking of all the times he’s left the other. “Even if I tried, you’d just chase after me.”

“When you can prove that you won’t die next time I leave your side, I’ll consider not chasing after you, but I make no promises.”

“That’s too high an expectation, besides don’t you have someone else to chase after now.” His only response was a groan. “Tell me about your date, _Keithy_.”

Sitting down, Keith frowned. “Did you know he was thinking of leaving?”

Sighing, Shiro joined him. “Yeah.”

“And you’re okay with it? We’re just going to let him leave like that?”

Shiro placed a hand on his shoulder, knowing the former red paladin was always quick to rise in anger. “I told you before, you can’t force someone to stay. That’s not what a team is.”

“But this is Lance. He thinks that because there’s six of us now, we don’t need him but when have we ever not needed him.” Whether they were conscious of it or not, each of the paladins as well Coran had all needed Lance to be something he necessarily wasn’t, and even when it hurt, he had always stepped up to fill the role. Coran had seen him as a son, Allura a friend, Pidge a brother, Keith… well, his needs were entirely new now than when they had first began as paladins, but even without knowing it, in the beginning, Keith had needed him as a rival. “Even in the beginning, he’s always been what we needed, Shiro. I mean I didn’t want any friends and honestly, I was a little grateful that Lance was a bit a of a dick sometimes. I was already had trouble connecting with other people, and even though now I can excuse it to genetics, in the garrison, it just always felt like I was in the sidelines. And I’m not going to deny that growing up alone made me a little guarded and I definitely had walls up but being stuck in space with five other strangers only gave me more reason to be closed off. Lance was someone to fight with, to tease, someone I didn’t need to be something I wasn’t. I didn’t need to fake being friendly, I could just be me. Yes, sometimes it got in the way of missions and training, but I really appreciated his stupid rivalry.”

Shiro remembered; Keith hadn’t always been prone to violence, he still wasn’t; yes, he acted out when he was younger but seldom did he just go about punching people just from being pissed off, and Lance had pissed Keith off more than Shiro could count on his one good hand, but the blade usually bit his tongue and tried to ignore what people said. He sat by the sidelines and opted to being the odd guy out. Shiro was a little surprised to have seen him openly arguing with Lance so easily and while part of him had been worried that it would result it physical fights like his younger days in the garrison, a larger part of him was happy to see Keith being able to argue and tease someone in a way that reminded Shiro of brothers, each of them rising to the bait of the other. It was almost like they’ve been friends since childhood. Shiro was also grateful for Lance.

“Shiro, I don’t want him to leave.” His face painted in purple distraught and his hands wringing themselves in agitation, Keith continued, “but I don’t want to force him to stay. What do I do?”

“There’s nothing you can do, Keith. It’s not your decision to make – it’s his. Do you remember when Adam wanted me to stay but you encouraged me to go because I told you it was my dream to go to space?” Keith didn’t answer, he didn’t need Shiro to continue because he already knew what he was going to say. “I loved Adam. I was incredibly in love with him, Keith, but he couldn’t make me stay because that’s not how it works. You can try to force people’s decisions, but if it’s something they truly want to do, you can’t stop them no matter how much you wish you could. You just have to try to work with whatever decision they make.”

“This is the first time you talked about him since Kerberos.”

Shiro ran his prosthetic arm through his hair, sighing. “I try not to but this thing with you and Lance, it just reminded me of us and I know you guys are new to your relationship, but I want you guys to work. I want you to last.”

“I wanted you guys to last too.”

“Me too, Keithy, me too.” Keith just groaned in response, and Shiro laughed in the only way he knew how to laugh, loud and boisterous.

* * *

 

Every stop they took provided the blade an opportunity to see Lance, to touch Lance, to kiss Lance and Keith took full advantage of this opportunity.

“H-hey, stop that,” Lance laughed, trying to shove the half-galra off. “You’re tickling – Keith, st- aha- op it!”

“Sorry, sorry,” the blade responded, scratching his galran ears, “you know I can’t control it.”

“I don’t hate it, it just tickles,” he reached out to pet it. Keith still flinched his ear away from the other’s reach, but Lance caught it all the same. “Maybe stop nuzzling me with it, besides you’re going to leave a mark if you keep attacking my neck. Pidge is getting suspicious that I keep wearing my suit when we’re not even flying.”

Keith backed away from Lance, expanding his view from just his face to his entire form. Lance looked significantly better and healthier than when they first talked during their journey back to earth, and just the mere image of the red paladin eating made him happy. “I’m surprised you haven’t told Hunk.”

Lance smirked, “Believe it or not, you’re not the topic of all my conversations with Hunk.”

“That’s funny, cause you’re mine.”

 _What a fucking flirt,_ Lance thought fondly but refrained from saying so. “Keith, you can stop flirting, we’re already together.”

“I’m not,” the blade just stared at him, eyes yellow and skin purple, not a side effect of Lance’s affections unfortunately, but Keith was hoping that would change soon.

“Is this what they call Texan charm?” Keith scoffed. “Can I pay you to say ‘yippe ki yay, motherfucker’ like John McClane does in Die Hard?”

“One: what’s die hard? And Two: only in kisses.”

“…. You don’t know Die HARd?”

“Lance, you’ve been to my house. It’s in the desert. Do you remember seeing a DVD player? Or even a TV?”

“I’m surprised you even know what a DVD player is,” Lance teased, leaning back with a stupid smirk on his face.  “Is it just me or are you getting buffer?”  he asked.

“Shiro and I have been training.”

“Whoa whoa whoa! Training? Why wasn’t I invited?!”

“We wake up earlier than everyone else to train, you can hardly get up before breakfast.”

“I can wake up early. I love early.”

Keith entertained the thought of a jealous Lance, but it seemed silly because it was Shiro and honestly, it’d be hard to tell of the two who Lance would be jealous of. “You really don’t, but you and I can train at night, if you want?”

“Ha, yeah right. I need my beauty sleep, Keith. Pretty doesn’t wake up like this.”

“No, it really doesn’t.” and that comment earned the blade a punch in the arm but he was smiling fondly at the person who had given him a bruise. Not the kind of bruise he was hoping to attain, but he’ll take what he can get, relieved that Lance was healthy and strong enough to be leaving bruises. “Are you excited to go back home? We’re only a week out now. Krolia said Matt and Pidge have been trying to get in contact with earth, but they haven’t responded.”

While Lance was excited and nervous and terrified to go back to earth, he wasn’t entirely sure what would happen if they just came unannounced on a giant robotic lion space weapon, informing the government that they’ve just come back from an intergalactic space war, and no, you don’t need to thank us, we’re just doing our job to saving the universe. Pidge’s dad hopefully did a good enough job of explaining the situation so they wouldn’t have to, but even then, will they be held for questioning or will they be granted to see their families?

Startled by the hand on his cheek, he snapped back into attention. “Lance, what’s that look for?”

“Nothing,” he lied, hoping the added smile would distract his boyfriend. _Is that what we’re calling it? Is that what we are now?_

Despite knowing otherwise, Keith let him lie. “Okay, well I should get going. Yorak needs to be walked.”

“Why don’t you stay until you’re back to your earth half.” Lance suggested, holding up Keith’s arm to show that it was still undeniably purple. The blade hummed in agreement . “I still don’t understand why you need to walk him; he can teleport, Keith.”

Keith dismissed this for the hundredth time since their journey back to earth; instead, he leaned against Lance and thought about whether now was a good time to discuss his leaving Voltron. It has been about a week since they’ve talked about it, and maybe it was too early to discuss it. Maybe he should wait until they’ve gone back to earth, until Lance has made his decision before saying anything at all. His opinions shouldn’t even matter; it’s Lance’s life and if he wants to retire, who was he to stop him. If he was in Lance’s shoes, if his father was still alive, if he had a family on earth… he would also want to stay on earth, but his family were here with him. And he wondered if after hearing Lance’s decision to stay, Pidge and Hunk would also do the same. Would he and Shiro be left? Would Shiro also leave? He’s spent enough time in space, if he wanted to also stay, who was Keith to stop him, but maybe that was a conversation he should have with Shiro.

“Okay, you’re good. All pale and human-eared,” Lance voice drew him out his thoughts and he examined his skin to find it true.

“So, you’re kicking me out now?”

“Yeah, I am. Remember beauty sleep? We were just talking about that.”

Keith chuckled as Lance jokingly pushed him out of the red lion. At the hinge of the lion’s mouth, they stopped and the blade turned to wish the paladin goodnight. Lance thought about taking a kiss from him, but decided against it, just stood from within his lion as he watched him descend to the ground, enjoying the view, as Yorak appeared by Keith’s side. He watched them walk away until he couldn’t see their distinct shape against the horizon.

Lance sat in his pilot’s seat and stared at the image of his family before grabbing it hastily and shrugging his jacket on, he went to look for Shiro, disregarding that it was late at night.

  
  
Shiro had finished trying to connect with the black lion, had made several other attempts the past few days to make sure it wasn’t a fluke – that his connection was truly gone. None of the attempts proved otherwise. He had given up after all his mental energy had been expelled and opted for rest. It was already late and his sparring with Krolia and Keith had pushed his physical limits today. He slipped into some Olkarian clothing, which is how he greeted Lance into the lion that wasn’t his anymore.

“Lance, are you okay? Where’s Keith?”

“He’s out walking Yorak. You remember when you said it was okay to come to you?”

“Yeah, of course. What’s on your mind?” Lance only offered a photo in response. Holding the photo, Shiro identified it as the red paladin’s family. He could see the resemblances, could see where Lance had gotten his height, his smile, his hair, could see the love in the photo with how close they were, arms wrapped around each other, bodies leaning into each other, smiles facing each other.

“It’s not real,” Lance stated and it felt like a betrayal admitting it, but he pushed that feeling aside. “Pidge made it from one of our mind melds.”

“I don’t remember that,” Shiro murmured more to himself than to Lance.

“I asked Coran to teach me how to use it. I told him I wanted to learn how to focus better when we were melding. I would go in alone sometimes and just think of them. That’s one of our family photos that we have hanging on our wall, right under the stairs  next to Marco’s graduation photo and Veronica’s prom. Heh, she got so mad because it was so hot and humid that day but mama and papa wanted to take more pictures.” Lance stopped, could hear his own voice shaking, and bit down on his quivering lip as he took the photo form Shiro’s outstretched hands. He stared at the image of his family. “I… I started to notice some difference every time I went back. Small things, y’know. My mama’s mole disappearing. Luis’s shirt. He was wearing a soccer jersey, but sometimes it would be an Unilu shirt. Veronica’s hair, I can’t remember if it was up or down. Issa, was she sitting on Abuela’s left or right lap? I thought I would keep forgetting more and more until they would look less and less like themselves, so I went to bug Pidge to see if she could make it into a photo.” Lance’s vision had gone blurry and the photo that wasn’t real looked less and less real. “I had to ask Hunk to help me. To make sure I was remembering them properly. I-I couldn’t even remember them by myself. Sometimes, I’ll look at this and question if it’s even my family.”

“Lance-“

His head snapped up to meet Shiro’s eyes. “What if they don’t remember me?! What if I’ve been gone too long and they don’t recognize me when I walk up to the door?! What if they think I’m one of those people who goes to houses and hands them pamphlets about how the devil is amongst us would you like a subscription to god’s magazine to keep him away and they’re going to shut the door on my face?!” Hearing his blood pumping in his hears and feeling his body boil, Lances pauses to calm himself down. In a quieter voice, he almost begs, “I’ve been worried so worried about forgetting them, but what if I’m the one whose forgotten?  What am I going to do Shiro?”

Shiro couldn’t offer a lot of words. He himself had visited the very same thoughts time and time again. When he had lost his arm. When part of his hair had turned white. When he got his scar. When all of his hair turned white. How would he convince his own parents that he was their son – Takashi Shirogane. The same kid who begged his them to let him apply for the garrison. The same kid who hated carrots.  The same kid who wanted to be space cowboy bounty hunter for eight Halloweens straight.  “Lance, look at me. Do I look like Shiro?” And after watching Lance’s expression morph into panic and fear, he clarified, “No, I’m not a clone.”

“That’s what a clone would say.”

Shiro sighed in exasperation. “I’m not a - I was trying to make a point, so just - humor me, okay? Look. I look nothing like when I left Kerberos. Keith hadn’t seen me in a year. You hadn’t seen me in a year. Hunk and Pidge – they hadn’t seen me in a year. Even now, I look nothing like I did when I crashed on earth. Do I still look like Shiro to you?” Lance nodded, and part of Shiro was relieved; he had been scared that he didn’t. He had changed a lot and maybe he had fooled himself into thinking he was still Shiro, but the affirmation from the red paladin brought him some closure. “Good, because I like to think I still look like myself a little. I want to think that when I see my parents again, even despite all these changes, they’d still see me as their son. I’m scared to go back too, Lance. I’m scared that when I see them… when they see me, they’ll see some monster. They’ll see how much of myself I’ve lost and not how much of myself I still am. But if you can recognize me now and you could recognize me then when I wasn’t part of your life, your family will recognize you too.”

“You don’t look like a monster, Shiro.”

“Thanks, Lance.”

“You are more an angel than anything.”

Shiro chuckled. “Save the sweet talk for Keith,” and Lance wondered if Shiro knew that his face was turning red. “I also think you should know that I don’t have a connection to the black lion anymore.”

 “What do you mean you don’t have a connection to the black lion anymore?” Even though Lance knew it was exactly what it sounded like, but that couldn’t be right. Shiro had been inside the black lion even in death. How could he just… not have a connection to it? “Haven’t you flown it?”

“No, I tried to a week or so ago, but nothing happened. I’ve been trying everyday since. I can’t even communicate with the lion. I think when Allura took my essence out of the black lion, maybe it severed my connection to it.”

“Are you upset? You don’t seem upset.”

Shiro wondered if he had been. “I’m not particularly upset about it. I just… I haven’t told anyone, not even Keith. I’m thinking of telling everyone tomorrow, but since we’re sharing, I thought maybe you’d want to know. It feels good telling someone.”

“Why didn’t you tell Keith?”

“Why didn’t you?”

“What are you, six?” Lance teased.

“I sit down criss-cross apple sauce once and you guys never let me live that down.”

“Twice and could you repeat that in front of Pidge and Hunk tomorrow. You calling it criss-cross apple sauce only proves our theory.”

“I’m going to tell him when he gets back.”

“Tell Keith that you sit criss-cross apple-”

“Tell him about the black lion. What about you – have you decided yet? You’re in a relationship with Keith now, so does that mean you’re staying in Voltron?”

“He knows that I’m thinking about it, but I haven’t made a decision. He seems to think we could do it.”

“Do what exactly?” Shiro asked suspiciously.

“What?! No. Not that, I meant the whole long-distance thing like if I decide to stay on earth, he and I could still be a thing, y’know?”

“Who says you can’t?”

Lance clapped Shiro on the back, a casual, nonchalant smile gracing his lips. “Shiro, my dude, we’re not talking about 500,000 miles. We’re talking lightyears – several hundred thousand lightyears. We’re talking about no kissing. No hugging. No sex. No touching. No holding. Talking isn’t even conceivable. How am I suppose to know he’s okay? How am I supposed to know he hasn’t fallen in love with some hot alien babe or whatever? How is that a relationship?”

“Have you told him about this?”

“More or less. But how does that little shit respond? With an ‘I love you Lance, kiss me,’ and what do I do? Of course, I kiss him because I’m an idiot who gets swept away easily by his stupid pretty eyes and his soft mullet and his smooth, pasty ass skin. And I lose every ounce of argument in me. Can you believe that? That asshole used his Texan, galran wiles on me and I was putty in his hands.” Shiro just laughed in response. “Hey! Don’t laugh at me, Shiro! It’s a real problem!”

“Okay, okay. I get it, but I was in Keith’s position once and he knows what it’s like. I mean, he held out hope for me even after it was announced that it was a piloting error and that we were dead. I don’t think he’d be easily intimated by a couple hundred lightyears.”

“Several hundred thousand,” Lance corrected.

“Several hundred thousand.”

* * *

 

Keith was exhausted coming back from walking Yorak, who had decided that playing hide-n-seek this late would be a fun game for the blade, but his sleeping bag would have to wait because he’s seen that look on Shiro’s face often enough to know when an important discussion had to be made. In the past, such a look wouldn’t have scared him as easily as it did now. Now, the news could be worse. Shiro could be dying again. He doesn’t think that he’s never going to not be scared every time he’ll see that expression on his face, but it would be worse if he avoided the discussion just to spare him the news. So he stands patiently across from Shiro, waiting for whatever Shiro needed to say.

“My connection to the black lion is gone.”

Part of Keith was relieved. This was better news than he had been expecting. _Significantly better than his clone body rejecting his soul._ “Are you okay?”

Shiro smiled, “Yeah. I am. I thought maybe I would be more upset about it, but I’m more relieved. I know that I said I wanted you to be the leader when I’m gone, but if you’re uncomf-”

“I’ll do it,” Keith replied in a heartbeat. While the offer meant a lot, the stunned expression on Shiro’s face was just icing on the top.

“Are you sure? I probably put too much pressure on you then, it was wrong of me to just place that kind of burden on you. Being a paladin is an honor, but it isn’t easy and there’s a lot of stress that goes along with it, so I’ll understand if you choose not to.”

“I wasn’t ready before; I was reckless and stupid and selfish, but I am now. I can take care of the team. I’m not going to let you or any of them down. Shiro, I can do this.”

“You don’t have to convince me, Keith. I never doubted that you would be a great leader, only if it was what you wanted.”

“Are you sure you have no connection to the black lion anymore?”

“Yeah. I think our connection was severed when Allura pulled my essence from it. You’re the black paladin now, Keith.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a rough couple of months and I know it shows in my writing. i'm sorry.  
> the story will still be continuing despite that though, and hopefully i get my mojo back.
> 
>  
> 
> leave a comment, make my day.


	13. terra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eeeeeyarth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a couple more hours until s7, fuck.

They were home.

Okay, not _home_ home, but they were in their own galaxy. _Nothing milky about it though,_ Lance thought as they passed Alpha Andromedae. Beta Cassiopeiae.  Bernard’s Sun. Until it was a long stretch of black before they reached their solar system. Lance’s heart was beating fast, and it only beat faster when they passed the furthest dwarf planet from earth, Makemake.

Can anyone else hear his heart beating?

_Haumea._

_Eris._

Lance tried to distract himself by marking down anything he recognized from his mental space map.

_Kuiper Belt._

_Pluto._

_After Pluto, Neptune._ But they didn’t pass Neptune as it was in the opposite side of the sun. He could hear Allura and Coran asking questions through the comms and Hunk and Pidge alternating answers.

_Uranus._

“Pidge, why don’t you try contacting Earth again?” Keith suggested and the green paladin replied with affirmation.

“This is Katie Holt. Paladin of Voltron broadcasting to earth. Does anyone copy?”

_Saturn._

Lance let himself marvel at its rings and thought about how much cooler it would be if they were gyroscopic.

“This is Katie Holt. Paladin of Voltron broadcasting to earth. Does anyone copy?”

_Jupiter._

“Another asteroid belt up ahead. These are much more compact so go in slow and steady,” Keith warned.

_Ceres._

“I repeat: this is Katie Holt. Paladin of Voltron broadcasting to earth. Does anyone copy? I repeat: does anyone copy?”

_Mars._

“This is Katie Holt. Paladin of Voltron broadcasting to earth. Does anyone copy?”

“I repeat: does anyone copy?”

“This is the Galaxy Garrison. Identify yourself.”

“This is Ka-“

“This is Takashi Shirogane of the Kerberos Mission.”

There was a pause.

“Did we lose them?” Hunk asked.

“No, the connection is still there,” Pidge replied.

“This is Takashi Shirogane of the Kerberos Mission. Does anyone copy?”

“Please identify the other pilots,” a tight, strict voice undeniably Iverson. Lance mentally groaned. _Of course it would be Iverson._ The rest of the paladins introduced themselves and stated with space craft they were piloting. “Are there any other passengers with you?”

The team hesitated and, on their comms, discussed whether it would be a smart decision to state that they were travelling with aliens. The only one they would have to hide was Krolia; Allura and Coran could shift their physiques to fit that of a human and though they were reluctant to hand human ears, it would be smart to pretend that they were human just in case.  Krolia would have to be hidden in one of the lions until it was safe to come out. “I repeat: are there any other passengers with you?”

“Yes, we have Matt Holt and Coran.”

“Who is Coran?”

“My uncle,” Allura stated.

“Permission to come home, sir,” Shiro asked.

In their own comms, Hunk asked, “Is it safe to land? What if they try to take our lions away from us?”

“Hunk, stay positive. I’m sure your people are kind enough to let the defenders of the universe go back home,” Allura comforted but even Lance was struggling to stay positive. Why did they think coming home in mechanical lions with three aliens and a space cow and wolf wouldn’t present any problems?

“Nothing about Iverson is kind,” Lance muttered.

 

As they approached earth, Lance tried to see if he could spot Florida, which was easy as it stuck out of the US like a sore thumb. Landing their lions had also been easy. Hiding Krolia had been easy. But going back home didn’t seem to be. They were taken into the garrison and separated into different rooms for questioning, expected to summarize their entire journeys in just a couple of hours, but it’s a couple hours he could be spending trying to get back home. Lance had been in his old chemistry room, being interrogated by his old chemistry teacher. He assumed the others too had been separated. Perhaps not Pidge and Matt seeing as Sam and Colleen had met them as soon as they landed. It was a touching reunion and Lance would be lying if he said he wasn’t jealous. He wondered if the garrison had informed their families that were alive and had returned.

“Focus, Mr. McClain,” Mr. Wingert instructed, taking off his glasses to wipe them clean against his shirt. “I’m glad you all are okay, but you return after mysteriously disappearing for a long time with five lionesque space crafts, wo space animals, and two additional humans who we have no record of.”

“Sorry, but I just want to see my family. Has the garrison contacted them yet? When will we be allowed to leave?”

“I’m not sure. I guess those are really the only questions I have for you. You can wait in the staff room.”

Lance could hardly remember where the staff room was and decided to wander around, maybe visit his and Hunk’s old room. Anything other than sitting in some stupid room, waiting until they were allowed to leave. _Why are we even waiting? We fought a war, we should just be able to leave when we want. What are they going to do – stop us?_ When he reached his room, he turned the knob but it was locked. He knocked and a boy opened it.

“Uh, hi. This is my old room.”

The kid just stared at him, eyes narrowing in suspicion. “Okay, so?”

“Ah, nothing. Sorry.” And the door slammed in his face. He rolled his eyes, was he so stupid to think that it would still be his room after all this time? With no where to go, he made his way through his old schedule. He had breakfast at six in the morning, then chemistry, calculus, physics, P.E., then simulations. Lance stopped to see a figure in front of the simulation window.

“Keith?”

The blade turned to look at him. “Lance. How was your questioning? What did they ask you?”

As Lance neared, he reached for Keith’s hand and thought that maybe he shouldn’t, retreating his hand. Instead, he stood next him and stared into the window. “They just asked questions about the night we disappeared. The lions. The Galra. Some questions about aliens. If we neutralized the threat, stuff like that. What about you?”

Keith hummed in response and Lance felt his hands being hugged by someone else’s. “I thought your name was Taylor.”

“What?”

“We had joined pilot simulations – the fighter and the cargo pilots. People were calling you Taylor, I thought that was your name.” Keith felt Lance let go of his hand and collapse to the floor. He crouched down, “Lance, are you okay?!”

But Lance waved him off, his shoulders shaking, before throwing his head back and cackling in laughter. “I-is that why… why y- shit, hold on.” Keith rolls his eyes and stood up to leave when he left a tug at his jeans as Lance pulled himself up. “God, those jeans are so tight. Haaaa, sorry. Is that why you couldn’t remember me when we rescued Shiro?”

Keith deadpanned him and looks to the side, an embarrassing flush assaulting his cheeks. “No,” he denied, but Lance only laughed harder.

“How’d you remember?” he breathed out in between his laughed.

“Matt and Pidge were here earlier – would you stop laughing!” Keith’s face felt hot and he pushed his hair back in hopes of cooling it. “Pidge was saying that the last time you guys were here, you guys screwed up the simulation because Hunk was vomiting and Pidge was unbuckled and you decided to ‘thread the needle.’ The quotation marks were hers. Apparently, that’s why they called you Taylor, but she never heard anyone call you that.”

“Heh, yeah. Everyone stopped calling me that when Iverson ripped me one on my first day.”

“But they used to. I’ve seen you do it countless times.”

“Yeah, well clearly I was good. You were just better.” Keith reached for his hand again. Lance looked down at their joined hands, wondering how Keith could just easily grab it without feeling embarrassed, but when Lance looked up to the blade, the blush from earlier only deepened. “Holy quiznack, you’re such a cheeseball,”

“Keith! Lance!” The two whipped their heads towards Hunk. “We’re leaving!”

Excited to see his family, Lance gripped Keith’s hand tighter and started running, half-dragging the taller of the two towards their lions.

Once they were all together in the black lion, it was decided that they would take some time to be with family and meet up again in two weeks. “We’re a team, but even more than that, we’re friends. Just because we’re no longer living together under the same roof, that doesn’t mean we still shouldn’t keep in touch,” Shiro said, handing out phones to everyone. “Sam modified some phones for us. Make sure to stay in contact with each other, okay?” After everyone agreed, he continued, “I’m going back to Japan for a while. My parents went back a couple of years ago, so I’ll be booking a flight for tomorrow morning. I’ll being staying with the Holts until then.”

“Sam and Colleen have also offered lodging for both Coran and me. So, for the duration of our stay on earth, we’ll be staying with them as well,” Allura stated.

“I’m going back to Florida. Lance and I will probably leave our lions here as well. There’s really no place where we can leave it in our neighborhoods, so we don’t have much of a choice. We’ll probably find a flight tonight. I can’t wait to see my mom and my sister!” Hunk gushed. “I’m going to miss you guys though! You guys should definitely visit Lance and I!” The yellow paladin moved to crush Pidge, Allura, and Shiro in a hug. “Promise you’ll visit us!”

“Yeah, big guy,” Pidge laughed, patting him on the back. “We should also go to….” And she launched into planning a visit to Busch Gardens for the SheiKra and maybe, since they’re already at it, just make a huge road trip out of it and visit the best rollercoasters. “Oh, wait! If you guys are all going to be here for the night, why don’t you guys just stay with us! We can have dinner at my place! We can order pizza and-“

“Chinese!” And that was all that was needed before everyone started shouting suggestions for dinner, but it was agreed that their first meal back on earth would be at the Holts’.

 

 

Dinner at the Holts was a scene out of a 90’s family sitcom and it was refreshing eating on a table that was so full of different kinds of food that you can barely see the mahogany of the furniture. They clearly overestimated how much they could eat but fortunately for the Holts, Matt was a big fan of cold left-overs.

While the Holts’ kindness was big, their house was unfortunately not; consequently, Krolia and Keith decided to go back to their house on the desert. After thanking the Holts and saying goodbye (Keith having pulled Shiro aside for a personal goodbye), they made their exit. Lance decided to walk them outside, hoping to say a goodbye of his own. At the door, Keith turns around to face him. There’s a mixture of a sad, shy expression on Keith’s face and the only thing Lance registered was _cute!_ “We’re going to be apart for a while-”

“Keith, two weeks is nothing. You were gone for two months and –“

“and it took some time to come back together,” he finished a little angrily. “Don’t try to downplay this, Lance. I’m going to miss you.”

Lance frowned; it was true that it took a while to just start being friends again and he didn’t know what to say to comfort the blade, so he wrapped his arms around him, nuzzling into the nape of his neck. “I’m going to miss you too.” It took a couple of seconds before Keith returned that hug.

“Get a room!” but all Pidge was given was a middle finger from both paladins.

 

Lance watched as the black lion took off into sky and under the darkness of the new moon, it disappeared a couple of seconds later. He walked back into the house to find Pidge, Matt, and Shiro were all playing video games. Hunk had taken Allura and Coran to watch horror movies, even though they had all preferred rom-coms, but Matt’s collection of movies proved that his tastes didn’t quiet line up with theirs. The red paladin grabbed his new phone and stepped outside. He stared at the blue-lit screen and tried to get the hang of Sam’s programming; it had taken him half an hour, setting it up with a password and saving the other paladin’s numbers as well as Krolia’s , Coran’s, and the Holts’, before he opened the call screen. He stared the numbers, considered calling the house phone but he knew his family ignored unrecognized numbers and the only other numbers he recalled by heart were Luis’s and Marco’s. _It’s already late, would they still be awake?_ But he rationalized that his mama always made sure Luis was asleep before midnight, and by the time on the phone, it was two hours past. _Marco should still be up._ He let his fingers tap out the number in the same melody he had memorized it and felt the anxious electricity coursing through his body as he pressed the call button.

Rrrrring _._

_He’s not gonna answer_ , Lance thought. _What am I even gonna say?_ _Hey, Marco. Hahaha, remember me?_

Rrrrri- “Sorry, but the number you dialed had been disconnected.”

Lance felt his stomach drop as he hung up. He tried Luis’s number, and this time, felt the knot tighten as it rang.

Rrrrring.

_Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pickup, damnit._

Rrrri- “Sorry but the number you dialed has been disconn-” Lance hung up again. _It’s fine. Everything is fine._ He dialed his home number next.

Rrrrring.

Rrrri- “Sorry but the-”

_It’s fine, Everything is fine. Nevermind that we’ve never changed our numbers in 15 years. It’s fine. They probably just have new phones, new numbers. It’s normal._ He managed to calm down before another paralyzing thought troubled him. _What if they moved?_

* * *

 

Lance, Hunk, and Shiro had bought their plane tickets the night before but had forgotten that they needed identification, so they had to return to the garrison for the passports among other things. Lance and Hunk’s flight was a little later than Shiro’s but they decided to join Shiro until his left before heading to their own gate. It was a little bit of a hassle going through TSA with Shiro metal arm. They had to pull him aside to give him a pat down and the security guard had done a poor job of hiding his blush as his hands moved to pat down Shiro’s pecs. Lance and Hunk only snickered as they watched and earned a glare from their leader.  

“Not a word,” Shiro warned, grabbing his carry on. Lance and Hunk waited at Shiro’s gate, across the airport from their own, and kept him company before he was called to board. “You stay out of trouble. _Lance._ ” He gave them each a hug, and before releasing Lance, he whispered, “I’m only a phone call away, okay? Keep your end of the deal.”

Lance nodded, a weak smile on his lips. “You too, man.”

“Have a safe trip, Shiro! Call us when you land!” Hunk hollered as Shiro disappeared into the tunnel leading to the plane. The two sat in front of the window and waited until the plane began to move down the runaway. “Lance, are you okay?”

“Have you tried calling your family?”

“Nah, I figured it be better to surprise them. We’re supposed to land before one, so I’ll probably pick up my sister at her school and walk home and scare my mom.”

Lance chuckled, “She’s definitely going to yell at you.”

Hunk smiled fondly. “I wouldn’t mind that. I just missed her a lot. I know it must not have been easy taking care Em and worrying about your missing son plus having to go to work. Did you call yours?”

“I tried, but all the numbers I know by heart are disconnected.” Lance considered telling Hunk about the possibility that their families had moved, but his friend looked so hopeful and he didn’t want to taint that.

 

They arrived in Florida around two because of a delay; this gave Hunk barely enough time to get to his sister’s school to pick her up. They had gotten a taxi to drop him off first before Lance was let down in front of his house. He watched the taxi exit the cul-de-sac and turn towards the mouth of the neighborhood. His heart was violently drumming against his chest and he entertained the thought of walking about the neighborhood first and coming back. _Stop pussing out, Lance. You waited for so long, you cried so much, and you missed them a shit ton…_ There were no cars in drive way which wasn’t a hopeful sign. _They’re probably at school or work or something._ He considered walking to the back of the house to check for the spare key but thought it might shock whoever lives there if they found a random guy just snooping behind their house. Knocking is a safer option.

The journey from the curb to the door was longer than all their intergalactic travels, including the one back to earth. Every step felt like an hour and ever breath felt like an anchor weighing his down. Why hadn’t he asked Sam about his family? He would have known whether they moved, having given them his letter. He would have said otherwise, right? He should have asked. _I should call him and ask. It would save me the trouble of disturbing whoever lives here now. God, I hope Hunk is having a better time than me._ Just to procrastinate a little longer, he pulled out his phone and texted Hunk to see what his status was. A minute later, he received a video of Em waving to the phone with an enthusiastic, “Hi, Lance! Hunk says you guys are like Spike and Jet from Cowboy Bepop! Is that true?!” in the background, Hunk says, “Why don’t you trust me, EM? Have I ever lied to you?” But before she could reply, the video cut off.

“I’m Spike and he’s Jet. We even have a space dog!” Lance texted back, a little more hopeful for himself with Hunk’s success.

Finally reached the door, he forced himself to ring the doorbell before he could even think about hesitating. Every passing second siphoned the hope out of him. He rang it again, and after five seconds of no answer, he rang it again and again and again until the door burst open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter coming up.


	14. Reunion Will Come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sup fam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brother - matt corby

It was Luis, but his hair was different. He was taller too. When Lance had last seen him, he was growing out his hair and almost looked like Max from George Lopez, and almost as short reaching to Lance’s elbow. But now, he reached up to his shoulder and his hair was shorter on the sides and longer on the top, inviting Lance in for a good ruffle. Before Lance could step forward to hug him, but the door slammed in his face. He lifted his hand to rap against the door, a little angry that his brother had just locked him out after being gone so long and had already opened his mouth to scream at him when the door opened again.

“It’s you. _Mierda_ , it’s really you,” and Lance didn’t have to step forward for that hug anymore as Luis had thrown his entire body against Lance’s, arms wrapping around the paladin’s torso.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in soccer practice?” and Lance chastised himself. _Why the hell am I worrying about that?_

“I quit.”

And Lance took it back, he had every right to worry. “You what?! You love soccer, you idiot. Why the hell did you quit?”

“Who cares!” Luis replied, but his voice was muffled by Lance’s shoulder. Lance wanted to say he did, he cared, but hesitated at the dampening of his shirt where his younger brother’s face was pressed against. Instead, he reached around Luis to return the hug and found himself also crying. Something they both had never in the other’s presence, much less because of each other.

Luis had taken Lance’s bag to their bedroom. _Well, I guess my bedroom now._

“I moved to the guest room a couple of months before Mr. Holt gave us your letter, but mami  wanted to keep your room the same for when you come back.”

“Where is everyone?”

“At work. Except for Veronica, she’s in college now; she’s a computer science major at UCF. And she has a boyfriend.”

“A boyfriend, huh. Where’s Marco?”

“Marco was deployed.”

Lance looked at his younger brother, eyes still red and swollen from rubbing the tears away and his cheeks tear-stained from his failure to do so, but he figured he looked more or less the same. “Can you move back in?”

Luis’s eyes widened as he exclaimed, “Yeah!” but he was already down the hall, shoving his clothes into a half-empty sterilite, mind racing to the possibilities today had to offer, already planning on video game marathon after dinner and skipping school tomorrow. He’d have to beg his mom, but he was banking on the paladin’s return to really push his mom for a yes. High on excitement, he was also reconsidering soccer. _The preseason tournament wasn’t until October, so if I join now, Coach can still put me in JV then move me up to varsity before then. Lance can come to my game. Shit, we can go trick or treating._ Preoccupied by his thoughts, he hadn’t noticed that Lance was also helping him pack and he looked up to his brother, who had long discarded his jacket, to see scars on his arm. _A war, huh. That’s two brothers,_ he thought bitterly. _Shit, he’s all muscley now. Maybe I should start going to the gym._ Luis glance at his own bicep and compared its width to Lance. _Maybe coach will let me lift with the lacrosse team._

After they had successfully moved all of Luis’s stuff and had put their room back in its old set up, they both fell on their respective beds in exhaustion.

“You guys changed your numbers,” Lance stated.

“Yeah, we were getting phone calls from reporters and random people, so we got new numbers. We even had the home phone disconnected. We only use cell phones now.”

Lance got up and grabbed Luis’s phone from the night stand, but the younger immediately yanked it out of his grip. “Hey! What was that for!?” Lance screeched.

“Why are you looking through my phone?”

“I just wanted your number, but now that I know you’re hiding something…” The paladin tackled his younger brother, arms stretched over their heads, desperately grasping for the phone like a claw machine. “What are you hiding, [_pequeña mierda_](http://context.reverso.net/translation/spanish-english/peque%C3%B1a+mierda)!” The phone lit when Lance had accidentally pressed the home button and he stared stunned at his own face starting back at him.

Luis used this time to scramble away from under his older brother and onto his bed. “I didn’t miss you that much,” he lied pathetically, like Lance hadn’t cried with him at the front porch.

The paladin’s heart swelled and he smirked as he tackled his brother again. “You loooove me,” he sang. “Admit it, you love your cool, older brother. Say it!” And they wrestled until Lance had his brother pinned by his shoulder blades.

“Okay, okay! You win,” Luis resigned with a sigh. “I love Marco,” and Lance could hear the shit-eating grin on his face.

“You are a little shit,” he said jokingly, placing a wet kiss on Luis’s cheek, who screeched as he tried to rub the saliva off.

“Ugh, you haven’t changed. You’re still disgusting,” but even with the insult, he couldn’t hide his smile from Lance.

The paladin took this opportunity to grab his own phone and take a photo of Luis wiping his cheeks with the hem of his shirt, setting it as his lock screen wallpaper before tossing it to his younger brother. “Put your number in,” and Lance took immense satisfaction in seeing his brother smile and blush embarrassingly as the lock screen lit up.

“I put everyone else’s number in too,” Luis stated, tossing the phone back.

“What time will everyone be back?”

“Uh, well, they get off at five plus rush hour,” Luis counted the hours in his hand. “Around six, six-thirty if the traffic is really bad.”

“That’s still a couple hours away. Wanna call V?” Lance said.

 

They called Veronica from Luis’s phone and had it on speaker. It rang twice before she answered. “Hey, I’m at a pool party right now! Is this important? Can I call you back later?” In the background, pop songs were playing and they could here a gaggle of giggles and water splashing.

“Hey, Veronica. It’s Lance.” It was lame and not at all what he and Luis had planned but at the sound of her voice, he could only respond earnestly. He wondered if that was the right choice as he and Luis watched the seconds mark each passing moment of her silence, the sound of the music and people growing further into the distance until the 28 seconds had passed. “Did she hear me?” he asked Luis, who only shrugged in response.

“Lance,” and her voice shaking. “Is that really you?”

“Y-yeah. It’s me. How are you, big sis?”

“What did I give you for your birthday when you were six?” she asked, her voice sprinkled with skepticism and hope.

“A wet willy.”

“Holy fuck, you’re home?! You’re with Luis right now?! At home?!” They could hear a car engine starting in the back.  

“Yeah, I-”

“How long have you been home!?”

“A couple of hours. V, are you okay?”

“I’m coming home right now. Don’t you dare fucking leave that house.”

“Don’t take 95, it’s rush hour,” Luis warned.

“I’ll take the back road,” she sniffled.

“Hey, hey, Veronica! Don’t drive if you’re going to cry,” Lance yelled frantically into the phone.

“Don’t tell me what to do! And who’s crying for your sorry ass? Not me,” she sobbed and Lance choked out a laugh as tears pooled in the corner of his eyes.

“Be safe, okay.”

“Fuck, I’m shaking. I have to hang up, but don’t move okay. Promise me you won’t move, Lance.”

“Yeah, I promise. I can’t wait to see you, V,” and he couldn’t stop his voice from getting stuffy, the tears dropping on the phone. He mumbled a sorry to Luis before wiping it away.

“Who’s crying now, loser ?” she joked, laughing. “I love you, Lance. Wait for me, okay? Luis, don’t let him leave!”

“I won’t let him leave, V!” Luis confirmed.

“Love you, guys. Okay, I’m hanging up now. I’ll be home in an hour and half. Love you,” she repeated before hanging up.

Lance looked at Luis. “She can make it in an hour,” his younger brother smiled.

 

In commemoration of his return, the two brothers decided to make dinner for everyone. They ordered some Mexican food from their favorite local restaurant that made the best tapas and because he was also craving mac-n-cheese, they made that too. Lance decided to take a shower, a really brief shower, in case Veronica came back early and he wouldn’t put it past her to knock the bathroom door down. He wished he could take more time for his skin care and he lamented over the time restraint as he fingered the bottles of face wash and moisturizers. He wiped the fog off the mirror, hoping to get a good look at himself. He had scars along his torso and his arms and shoulders. Some on his thighs too. He should wear something to cover those. His parents wouldn’t want to see them. _I’ll show it before we visit the beach._ He took the time to wish they could visit as soon as possible.

None of his old clothes fit comfortably, the sleeves too tight to accommodate his biceps, so Lance had to borrow Marco’s clothes. He had on his older brother’s pajamas and had barely slipped a t-shirt when he heard heavy thumping travelling up the stairs. He hadn’t fully stood up when Veronica had tackled him into a hug. _That’s gonna bruise,_ he noted happily.

“We thought you were dead, you asshole. _Te amo. Te amo. Te amo._ ” Veronica was taller than Lance, muscular from soft ball, so her hugs were very much what he imagined an enlarged, supersized death grip would be. 

“ _Te amo,”_ he replied, sobbing into her shirt. They stayed on the ground for several minutes before his sister got up and pulled him along. “So, how have you –”

“Luis, why is your sister’s car here? Veronica, _mija_ , _dónde estás_?” his mother’s voice rang through the house. “Who ordered this food?! I bought groceries!” Lance shoved his sister aside and raced to the bottom of the stairs. He barely got through the first five steps when he slipped and fell. He didn’t register his mom’s bewildered face much less the pain from the fall as he scrambled to his feet to envelop her into a hug and he sobbed into her shoulder, like Luis had done, hunched over her body as he pressed his face into the soft, absorbent fabric of her top. His mother’s shoulder muffled the cries of apologies and his incantations of love, and she could feel it reverberate in her own body as he said them in their mother tongue. As she raised his head from her shoulder, he wiped the snot dripping from his nose because her son only knew how to cry in one way: raw and unfiltered. She grabbed the hem of her shirt and wiped his nose on it as she proceeded to pepper his face in kisses, not unaware of the tears streaming down her own face.

“What’s going on? Veronica, why are y-” Lance’s dad appeared in the door way and Lance immediately stepped forward, reaching for him. His father easily dropped the suit jacket he had been holding in favor of his son’s outstretched hand, enveloping both Lance and his wife in a hug, tears falling on the crown of Lance’s head as he screwed his eyes, afraid that if he opened them, that this too might be a dream, not unlike the hundreds of others he’s had of the paladin’s return; he prayed that this was real, that god would grant him this one thing and he would never wish for anything again, just please make this real, and Lance felt the mumbling of those prayers on his head as he sobbed harder into the warm, broad chest of his father. Their other two children joined them, huddled by the open front door of their house.

They stayed there indefinitely, just sobbing into each other. Lance felt like all the pain and suffering he endured were only to maximize this feeling of infinite gratification and happiness. He had been in the quintessence field before, had felt it course through his being and light him up with energy but that did not come close to this feeling, this feeling of being reunited with his family. He could die at this very moment and be happy, but it had taken him so much effort and strength just to come back in one piece, he wasn’t about to let go so easily. He wouldn’t, he promised himself as he tightened his grip around his parents.

By the time they went to eat dinner, the food had to be reheated. This was fine by Lance; it gave his family some spare time to ask him questions, even if he could only answer a fraction of them. Although, their table wasn’t full, Marco’s empty seat leaving a part of him unsatisfied, Lance declared this exponentially better than any previous dinners he’s had. Better than eating with the Baku civilization. Better than Hunk’s goo. Better than even his dinner at the Holts’ the night before. And he scarfed down most of the food, his sister joking that he cried so much of his body’s water percentage that his body was probably just trying to make the difference in weight. After dinner, usually one or two of the children were scheduled to do clean up, but everyone had stayed in the kitchen.

“So, who’s washing the dishes?” his mother asked, a smile donning her wrinkled face. Lance notes that she looks much older than her actual aid, and blamed the stress that he undoubtedly caused.

The paladin didn’t miss the mischievous look his siblings shared before throwing him under the bus. “Lance.”

“Whoa, I just got back? Shouldn’t I-”

Veronica smirked, “Oh sorry, were you expecting special treatment for disappearing in a metal cat?”

“Give me a break, I save the universe and stuff. And it’s a _lion_ ,” he mumbled.

“You haven’t washed the dishes in a long time, Lance. We just think it’s due time.” _Not you too, Luis. Traitors._ He groaned and whined and grumbled as  collected the dirty dishes and soaped them, but Lance was a little happy to be doing something so mundane as the dishes, for once not worried about an alarm blaring to warn them about incoming enemy fleets. Luis continued to talk about everything that had happened while Lance was gone, mostly limited to school and soccer, and Veronica interjected to tease him, while their parents just sat and laughed with them, not saying a thing, as if they too were afraid that any wrong words would shatter this moment. 

Afterwards, Lance had to change his shirt; it was wet and covered in snot, which were primarily his but he had a sneaking suspicion Luis had used it as his own personal tissue. _This is why I hate washing the dishes_. As he made his way towards the stairs to watch TV like they always did after dinner, he saw his father outside his room, peering in, so he joined him.

“I asked Luis to move back in,” he informed his father, who turned to stare at him, hand reaching out to caress his cheek.

“I love you _so much_. You know that, right?” Lance felt a pang of guilt; how he could ever make his parents question that was sharp sting to his heart. Of course he knew. He never doubted it for a moment, not even before Voltron. He had never been more loved and never felt more loved by anyone else.

“Yeah, Papá. I know,” and his voice was quivering. He raised his hands to swipe at the tears but his father’s reach them before he could. “I love you, too,” he said stepping into a hug his father  offered and only let go when Luis called them down. They descended to the family room where they were summoned, and Lance found his place in between his mom and Veronica, Luis sitting on the floor right in front of him. If he didn’t enjoy the close proximity of his family, hadn’t yearned for it the past year, he’d think he was being trapped and part of him wished he could trap himself here too, in the comfort of his home and his family.

Veronica leaned it right as the commercial ended, “Let’s do our spa day soon.”

Okay, now he could die from happiness.  

 

 

No one wanted to sleep.  Lance and Luis had no plans of sleeping, had set up their console in the bedroom as a means of avoiding it. Veronica had dragged her mattress from her room into theirs to join them; she had never been the kind to do all-nighters but she pledged to them that she can keep up.

In the bathroom, the paladin reached for a facial wash when his sister appeared in the doorway with a knock. “I got you something,” she said, holding a Christmas-themed gift-wrapped box. “It was supposed to be your Christmas present. I was going to give it to you tomorrow but you said you really had a tough time with your skin routine in space so maybe the sooner the better.” Lance took the gift from he outstretched hands and unwrapped it haphazardly. It was a skincare collection that he had wanted for his birthday, but it was too expensive. He had been saving up for it that year. “There was a holiday sale,” she offered. “I considered using it for myself, but I knew you’d throw a hissy fit if I-”

Lance had engulfed her into a hug. She was still a little bit taller than him but he’d mostly caught up in height. Her think, long hair was tangled in his fingers and though he hated the feeling, he only tightened his hug. “I love it, Veronica. Thank you,” he whispered.

He had done the entire skin routing of the collection in half an hour and had put on a sheet mask before joining his siblings in his room. The other made teased him for taking too long, but he didn’t mind, felt no malice or ill feeling from it. Instead, he reached for the controlled and declared war – loser gives the winner a foot massage and just for good measure, Lance showed them his calloused foot.

By three in the morning, Veronica had passed out at, the game concluded, and Luis had to give Lance a foot massaged and had done so earnestly, much to the older brother’s surprise. Over the course of the night, his parents took turns checking in, chastising them the later it got. After their latest check at 3:07, Luis had returned the scolding and urged them to sleep since she had a full shift that day. “They do that a lot even when you weren’t here, so I wouldn’t worry about it,” Luis said, offhandedly, joining Lance on his bed, the memory foam much more inviting that his own.

“What?”

“They just come in and check the room. I thought they were checking to see if I was sleeping, but I think they were always hoping that you’d be in your bed or something.” Luis paused and looked down at his own feet. “There were a couple of times when I’d sleep on your bed cause your mattress is better than mine and mami would come in and think I was you. She’d pull me into a hug and kiss my head and cry about how much she loves you and missed you while you were gone. One time, it was Papa, but when he lifted the covers and saw it was me… you should have seen the disappointment on his face. It was gone within a second, but… The third time mom mistook me for you, he asked me to stop sleeping on your bed. I think even now, she’s expecting this to be a dream. I think they both are.”

“ _Lo siento, Luis._ I want you to know I didn’t mean to leave. I would never just leave you guys like that.”

Luis offered a small smile, “I know.” Lance wasn’t convinced so he got up in flash and started rummaging through his carry on, throwing clothes over his shoulder looking for the photo that wasn’t real. When he found it, he climbed back into his bed and handed it to Luis.

“I know it looks a little wrong. I didn’t have any photo of you guys in space so I asked Pidge to try and make one out of what I remembered, but I was forgetting things. I don’t even know if you own that shirt or if Abuela’s was wearing the necklace we gave her. Was papa’s birthmark shaped like jellyfish or dog?” His young brother just looked at it. “I’m sorry it looks wrong.”

“Jellyfish,” Luis answered as he continued to stare at the photo that wasn’t real. “It’s a jellyfish, and I always wear a soccer jersey in family photos. Abuela wears her wedding ring on a necklace now since it’s too loose on her finger.”

“I’m sorry,” because what else could he say? What could he do to make up for abandoning his family? He’d given Keith shit for abandoning them, but how was he any different? He recalled Krolia’s words: _there’s no justification for abandoning your family, Lance._

Luis stood up, leaving Lance’s photo behind. Lance reached for it and stared, searching for his father’s birthmark to see if he’d remembered it right. It would be small, but it would feel like a victory he’d be proud of. The younger brother walked to one of the unpacked boxes in his closet; he didn’t have to dig deep before he found what he was looking for and he returned to Lance. “You’re my hero.”

“What?” Lance’s head whipped to face his brother, whose hands were outstretched with a photo for him. The paladin abandoned his search for his father’s birthmark in the fake photo, opting for the new one that was offered to him, the real one.  Lance smiled, as he stared at the photo the day he was leaving for the garrison; he was in his uniform surrounded by his family and he looked small in the center of the photo while they encompassed him. Maybe if he looked at it long enough, he could go back and tell them all that no matter happens, he loves them and he will always be with them and he’ll be home soon.

“I’m going to deny it if you tell anyone,” Luis said, climbing into his own bed making a point to face away from Lance.

“Are you kidding me? I’m going to tell everyone,” he whispered, holding the photo close to his chest.

Luis fell asleep faster than the paladin did, leaving him the only one awake. Even though he was exhausted, he felt restless. _God, I really missed home,_ he thought as he stared at the ceiling where his glow-in-the-dark stars shone a little duller than he remembered. He was still glad for the light they provided in the darkness of the room, almost reminiscent of when he’d sit by the window in the Castle of Lions, looking out at the distance glow of the stars as wondering if he’s family was okay, if they missed him as much as he did them, if they thought he was dead. He would fantasize about returning home, about landing the red lion in the middle of the cul-de-sac and his family would rush out to see what it was, and he’d descend from the mouth and rush to them and they’d smother him in an embrace. He’d joke about not being able to breath and they’d tell him to hush. His mami would yell at him while crying, scold him about leaving without a note and he would sheepishly apologize again and again because he owed them so many apologies, but everyone would laugh it off because it was a beautiful day and they would all be reunited and none of that mattered. What matters was that he was back and they were all together. Maybe that’s why Lance didn’t want to fall asleep because what if this was all dream. He’s dreamt of this so often that he would hardly be surprised if he woke up in the next second to the alarms of the Castle, calling the paladins to actions. It felt like it was too good to be true, to be home and happy, so a part of him held some skepticism aside to shield him from the undeniable onslaught of dolor if this had all been something he conjured up. _Just in case_ , he reminded himself. For all he knew, maybe they died in the quintessence field and the feeling he had described earlier was just merely his body being recharged with quintessence. Maybe, but even so, he would take advantage of this – real or imagined

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> season 7 anyone?
> 
>  
> 
> anyone get the chapter title reference?


	15. Summer Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ptsd + communication deficiency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not an expert on PTSD; however, I'm an expert on nightmares. 
> 
> i've added the tag just in case.

A week had passed. His first weekend back, they had all their family over and it was a party at the McClain’s. Marco’s wife, Elaine, and their children had showed up; Elaine was nursing a relatively newborn child, one that Lance had never met, and had cried when the baby gripped his finger with his tiny hands. Elaine cried as well, sobbing that the baby was meeting the paladin before his own father. Lance had never desperately wished for Marco as he did then. His abuela and abuelo were one of the last to show up, accompanied by his Tio Dante and Tia Rosa, carrying a cake with _Bienvenido_ in frosting calligraphy. The amount of love and hugs and kisses just from that day alone wiped away all the pain from his time in space, and as he enjoyed his welcome home party, his phone buzzed incessantly in his room, abandoned.

Luis had gone back to school by the following Monday because, according to their parents, the paladin’s return wasn’t an absent excuse even though they themselves had made a habit of leaving work early. Veronica returned to college but promised to visit every weekend.  

The nightmares started on Tuesday. Lance wakes up soaked in his sweat with his heart beating out of his chest and breathing ragged. He panics and struggles to move, becoming tangled in his blanket with his hands gripping the sheets. For a moment, he thinks he still in space when the first he sees are the glow-in-the-dark stars. It isn’t until he catches the image of his brother sleeping soundly that he’s reminded that he’s home. _Home_ home, so he forces himself to breathe through his panic by trying to match Luis’s, finds comfort in the way his chest rises and falls evenly, in the way his face is emotionless, in the way his limbs are strewn all over the bed in a carefree manner, his blanket kicked to the foot of the bed. It feels like an hour before he succeeds and he doesn’t have it in him to speak, feels like his throat and mouth are too dry to form any words. He knows he should get water, something to hydrate, but he is scared and he can’t feel his body.

Lance is freaked out, to say the least, having never experienced something like this. Sure, he’s had nightmares, more often than not involving Mike Meyers chasing after him, but nothing of this magnitude or intensity. He had never woken up, sweating in blind panic with his heart in his throat. He never had to calm himself down. He never had to look at his younger brother to make him feel safe. Lance can’t specifically remember what his dream was, what caused this; all he remembers when he woke up were flashes of dark red and black. Despite the symptoms, Lance chalks it up to karma: since all his dreams are coming true, the universe is just giving his some nightmares to even it out, but the paladin does not return to sleep.

The second time is much worse. He wakes up screaming and when he opens it’s his eyes, Luis is on top of him, pinning him down by his arms. Lance can feel the weight of his brother on his hips, preventing him from thrashing wildly, and the deadly grip on his forearms. But he feels trapped and his forced immobility just throws him further into a panic until he feels tears falling onto his face. For a second, he thinks he is crying, high on adrenaline, but it registers that it is his brother and now that he isn’t screaming or trying to escape, Lance can see the fear in Luis’ eyes even when his face is only showing concern and worry. But it’s the fear that makes Lance stop, and he tries to even his breathing again, tries to calm down because it scares him that Luis is looking at him like that. He can’t use him as a reference, so he tries to even his breathing by repeating the paladins’ names over and over again.

Hunk. Keith. Pidge. Shiro. Allura.

Hunk. Keith. Pidge. Shiro. Allura. 

It takes a couple of more rounds before he is calm and the grip loosen. Luis collapses on his back next to him, and Lance is able to match their breathing based on just the sounds because he can’t afford to see the look again. It could break him.  Instead, he whispers an apology.

“It’s okay, Lance,” his brother whispers back

“You were scared. How is that okay?” Lance feels angry, but he swallows it back down. He feels Luis turn to his side to look at him.

“I’m not scared of you, Lance. I’m scared for you.”

“It’s just a nightmare, you don’t have to be scared,” he replies, looking at Luis, but his brother just returns to laying on his back.

“It’s not the first time,” The paladin has no idea what he’s referring to so he stays silent, waiting for an explanation. “It started a couple of days after you came back. It wasn’t this bad though, you would just mutter a lot, stuff about Pidge or Keith. It wasn’t this bad.”

“Since last week?” Lance repeats in wonder, mostly to himself. He doesn’t remember having nightmares last week, the earliest having been just a couple of days ago – on Tuesday.

“I tried calming you down a few times, telling you it’s okay, but I don’t think that shit actually works. Waking you up is hard too. Usually you’re not loud enough to wake up the house, but this is the first time I’ve heard you scream.” Lance does nothing but process. It’s an odd and uncomfortable feeling hearing someone tell you things about yourself that you didn’t know. It makes him feel like he’s not himself. Like he’s somebody else, like this body, this life – it doesn’t belong to him. He feels detached from it. “It’s probably PTSD.” _PTSD_ , Lance echoes. “I asked my psych teacher about it. A lot of people who go through bad things, like soldiers who come back from war, they get it. That’s why they drink or smoke a lot – helps them forget. Coping mechanisms. There’s some better treatments though. Google said image rehearsal is good. It’s basically journaling. You just write about your nightmares and you give it a happy ending or something. There’s also medication, but you can get addicted to them so I don’t really want… but it’s your decision I guess. I just… yeah.”

“PTSD.”

“It gets better, it just takes a long time. Therapy is good. Individual or group. There’s some local ones for veterans, I can walk you to them. It’s a veterans program actually, they even have some online. Yoga and meditation is also good. I mean you’re flexible, so it’ll also be exercise and you said you guys did a lot of meditating in space, so that’ll help too. Reddit says that knowing about it is good, it helps to understand what you’re going through in a medical sense. I can make a list of some good ones from the library, but -”

“I don’t have PTSD.”

“Lance – ”

“I don’t,” he repeated firmly, and Luis just sighed in response, instead chose to offer to get some water. “Thanks, but I-I’ll do it. You should go back to sleep, you have class in a couple of hours. Sorry for waking you up.”

Luis climbed over Lance to crawl back into his bed. “Your phone keeps lighting up by the way.”

The paladin grabs his phone and goes to the kitchen to get water. He pauses at the stairs when he notices the light is on, but continues forward to rehydrate himself. He finds his father there, drinking from a mug. _No doubt coffee_.  “Did I wake you up?” he asks.

His father looks up at him with a small smile. “No, _mijo_ ,” but even Lance could tell that was a lie.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to. It was just a nightmare.”

“I heard. I went in to check on you, but you and Luis were talking.”

Lance pours himself a tall glass of tap water and gulps it down like he hadn’t drank in a week. “He thinks I have PTSD.”

“I know, I saw the books.”

“The books?”

“They were in the bathroom. He’s taken a habit of reading while he’s in there.”

“Is that why there’s a pile of magazines there?”

“Yeah.” His father paused but seemed to want to say more. Lance wanted to press, wanted to know what he was keeping to himself, but refrained from doing so, hoping that his silence was an invitation to continue. “Luis would sleep in your bed, you know?”

“Yeah, he told me.”

“He did?” His father looked surprised, but he didn’t know why. His bed was more comfortable, after all. Lance wouldn’t be surprised if Luis used his bed while he had been away at the garrison.

“Yeah.”

“He would just sit there. He seemed convince that you were kidnapped.” _Sure, by a blue, robot lion._ “and he’d sit there and pray for you to be okay. He’d pray for you to come home and be okay. Sometimes, he’d spend the entire day up there, staring at your side of the room. He’d come home early and just do that. He stopped going to soccer practice, he stopped going to parties on the weekends, he would just come home from school, go to that room and not come down until dinner. We didn’t know until Marco told us, so we told him we thought it would be a good idea for him take Marco’s old room.”

“He didn’t say that,” Lance whispered.

“He just wants you to be okay, Lance. We all do. You’re not our first son to come back from a war - hopefully, the last - but your mother and I, we know what war can do to someone. We just want you to be okay.”

 

Lance doesn’t see Luis again until he comes back home two hours after school has ended. He had gone back to sleep on the couch after his father had left for work and hadn’t heard anyone else leave. He tried to stay awake, afraid of waking up screaming again, but sleep had won out and his will weakened with every passing hour. He wakes up in time to panic about the lack of messages or notes from Luis explaining where he is. He’s on the phone with Veronica, after having called Elaine and his grandparents, freaking out.

“They’re going to kill me! I’m going to him! Where the hell is he?!” he screams grabbing his keys from the hook.

“Why don’t you go to the school, see if he’s there? Maybe he’s waiting for you to pick him up and you forgot.”

“I did not-“ but Lance can’t honestly say he didn’t. He might have, but then Luis would have texted him at least once.”

“Look, just chill. I’ll call some of his friends and see if he’s with-“ she’s interrupted by Lance’s scream when Luis just waltzes – _and I mean fucking waltzes_ – through the front door.

 “Where the hell have you been?! I’ve been worried sick about you! I swear to god, Luis. Your alibi better be fucking air-tight or-” the person in question just smiles cheesily, and holds up a soccer jersey.

“I’ll be benched for a while because of last year, but Coach let me back on varsity.” Lance rips the uniform from his brother’s hand and holds it firmly in his own, recalling what his father had said.  _He stopped going to soccer practice… he would just come home from school, go to that room and not come down until dinner._ Then recalled what Luis had said when he first arrived: _I quit_. “I won’t be playing, but I did ask Tammy – you remember Alex’s mom? She’s ticket holder – so I asked her for some tickets on the DL so you don’t have to pay. Mom and Dad maybe, but you – you are a _guest_.”

Lance wants to slap the stupid grin off his brother’s face but that would mean having to let go of the jersey, so instead he hugs him. “I’m so proud of you, Luis.”

“Thanks, man,” the younger replies, returning the hug.

It only makes it better when, through the paladin’s discarded phone, Veronica screams, “Are you guys having a sibling moment without me?!”

* * *

 As self-appointed babysitter of his nieces and nephews, Lance spent a lot of time in Marco and Elaine’s apartment. He enjoyed looking through the baby albums of their children and enjoyed looking through the photos that decorated the house. Lance wondered whether he should send a letter, but that would take too long to get to Marco and even longer before he could get a reply. He could be gone before he could talk to his older brother. He wanted to see him now.

“How often do you guys talk to Marco?” he asked Veronica over the phone.

“Not often. Getting a hold of him is hard. We usually have to wait for him to contact us.”

“I wanna see him, he’s only one who I haven’t seen yet. Maybe I should call Red and go over there. Where is he deployed?”

“Lance, you idiot, I love you, but you can’t fly a space weapon into foreign airspace much less the foreign soil of a war torn country.”

The paladin groaned. “I miss him, why can’t he just come home?”

“His deployment is only for a couple more months. Just hold out. You’ll see him soon.” _A couple more months. Will we still be here in a couple more months?_ he wondered as he felt his phone buzz against his ear with more notifications that he ignored.

“I gotta go, Issa wants to play princess and the frog.”

“No doubt you’re the frog.”

“Ha-ha,” he said drily. “Oh, I was thinking maybe this weekend, we could go to the beach?”

“You remember how to swim?” she joked.

“All you do in space is swim.”

“God, I’m losing my title as the coolest sibling ever.”

“You can’t lose what you never had.”

“Oh my god, you ass,” she laughed and Lance would never tire of hearing his family laugh. They might not have noticed but he’s seen their expressions when they think he’s not looking, like they’re all scared he’s going to disappear in the next minute. Honestly, he is too, so any opportunity he can take away that sadness, he’ll seize it, even if for just a moment.

Elaine didn’t come back until four in the afternoon, when the kids were taking naps.

“Hey, Lance,” she whispered, spotting Issa napping on the couch. “I brought food.” She revealed two foot-long pub subs along with three bags of groceries.  As she put away the grocery, Lance ate quietly, more so out of sheer appreciation of Publix subs than for the sake of her niece and nephews’ nap. How did he not think of getting some in the past two weeks he’s been was beyond him; they were nothing short of heavenly.

“Hey, Elaine, have you spoken with Marco recently?”

“No, we only get to speak once every few months. The last time we spoke was two months ago, around Rico’s birthday."

“So he doesn’t know that I’m back yet?”

Elaine sat across from him, unwrapping her own sub but abandoned it half way to reached for his hand and gave them an apologetic squeeze.  “Sorry, Lance.”

“Could you text me next time he calls you? Just try to hold him on the phone long enough for me to come over. I just want to talk to him, at least.”

“I’ll do you one better, you can see him. Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks and no doubt he’ll try to skype us, so I’ll call you on over. The connection isn’t very good, there’s lag and it freezes a lot but it’s better than nothing, right? Hey, hey, none of that crying, there are children present, Tio Lance,” she smiled.

“Thanks, Elaine. Uh, one more question, can I have the second half of your sub?” he shamelessly asked, but the look on her face was a definitive no.

 When Lance woke up on Saturday, it was to Veronica and Luis staring at him.

“We made plans today,” his older sister stated, her head resting on the palms of her hands as she sat with her legs crossed on the edge of Luis’s bed. Luis was laying down on his side behind her, head also supported by his hand.

“It’s already noon. Are paladins normally this lazy?”

“Ugh, let me sleep for 15 more doboshes.”

“We’re going to the beach today remember. Everyone is leaving work early and meeting us there, and we still have to bring lunch and prepare since it was our idea. Well, technically it was yours, so you should be doing it but because we’re the best siblings anyone could ask for, we’re going to help. So get off your flat ass.”

Lance immediate stood up, “Take that back! Luis, it’s not flat right?”

“Flat as your singing,” his younger brother stated.

“You guys are vicious in the morning.”

“It’s noon.”

Rolling off the bed, he ruffled his hair and yawned. It felt too early to be noon but the aggressive beam of sunlight from their window was proof that he indeed overslept. “Okay, okay. Just give me 10 to get ready,” he said as he left the room, hearing his siblings snicker.

“Did you hear that, V? 10 minutes.”

“Pfft, yeah right. He needs like 30 minutes just for his morning routine and another 20 to pick an outfit.” This kind of teasing, Lance was fond of.

It took him 35 minutes to get ready and he exited his room to rub it in his siblings’ face, but they were taking inventory in Veronica’s car.

“Okay, we’ve already packed towels and spare clothes. We’ve got the cooler and some foam noodles, so we’ll need ice, drinks, and food. Maybe also some popsicles for the kids, and some chips and snacks. Lance, you’re in charge of ice and alcoholic drinks. I’ll get the pub subs and the chips and snacks. Luis, you’re in charge of sunblock, popsicles, and non-alcohol drinks. Don’t forget to get water, you always forget. And Capri-Sun for the kids,” Veronica instructed. It took a total of 45 minutes before they were packing up the car for the beach but only because there was a line at the deli, otherwise it would have taken them 25 at best. At least that’s what Veronica claimed, as she drove 15 mph over the speed limit to get to the beach.

Lance had missed the scorching heat of the sun and the salty water of the beach and the way the sun glistened on the reflective surface of the water, the seaweed and beached jellyfish he could do without, but even that wasn’t enough to ruin his day. Not when he and Luis were competing in a high-stakes swimming race, each carrying a kid on their back just to make it more fun. The paladin had won three of the five races, which meant that Luis had the honor of being buried in the sand from the neck down. The paladin decided to take a break to hydrate and reapply some sunblock while the kids got started on Luis.

“Hey, Lance! Your phone has been blowing up. Also, why aren’t I your wallpaper?” Veronica asked, tossing him his phone, but Lance barely glanced at it before placing it back in his bag.

“Probably some paladin stuff, no biggie.”

“Geez, aren’t you popular? Are those all your lady alien friends? Bet my little brother is a lady killer,” she teased, pinching and pulling his cheeks.

“Actually, I, uh, like guys too,” he said sheepishly, facing away from his aunt and sister while he applied sunscreen on his legs.

“You like guys?” Veronica whispered, and when Lance didn’t answer, the sunscreen was gently taken from his hands. He turned around to see the Veronica with her sunglasses perched on her head and her cheeks slightly flushed from the heat. She squirted some sunblock onto her hands and applied it haphazardly on his back. “It’s okay to like guys, Lance. You don’t have to be scared, we still love you. Don’t we, Tia Rosa?”

His aunt was laying on her stomach, arms folded under her head as a makeshift pillow. She was a doctor at a local clinic. Her face used to scare Lance; she was already intimidatingly gorgeous but paired with her piercing blue eyes and smirk, well Medusa had nothing on her. “We do. Your Tio Benji is gay and we still love him.”

“Tio Benji is gay?”

Veronica laughed, “Who did you think Gabriel was? His roommate?”

“Gabe’s his boyfriend?” Lance thought back to all the times Tio Benji had brought Gabriel. How had he introduced him? As a friend or boyfriend? Had he ever seen them kiss? Hold hands? Lance couldn’t remember.

Rosa smiled at him, “I’m bi too. You still love me, don’t you?”

He turned his gaze to his aunt, surprised at the thought of hating her and offended that she’d even ask him that. “Yeah, of course I do!”

“Good, because who else is going to take you to all the best gay bars.” Lance laughed. He hadn’t known what he was expecting but was relieved and overjoyed to know that there were others like him within his own family.

They spent the rest of the day playing in the water, building sandcastles, even going so far as to reenact some of his space adventures with a relatively decent Sand-Voltron. As the sun set and the water grew colder, they started packing up. Lance had decided to ride with Rosa, hoping to ask more questions, and even though it was out of her way, she agreed to drop him off at their house before going back to her own. They traded coming out stories and sexual awakenings as well as celebrity crushes, and Lance had never before felt so free as he did gushing about how attractive both guys and girls were in his tia’s suv.

When they reached the cul-de-sac, Lance turned to his aunt to thank her, “Thanks, tia.”

“Anything for my favorite space explorer.”

“Um, about the gay bar thing, I, uh, I actually have a boyfriend so I probably won’t,” and as soon as the words left his mouth, he wondered if they were still given his radio silence.

“Wait, what?! We’ve been in this car for 45 minutes, why didn’t you say something sooner?! Ay dios mio.” She sighed and turned off the car, twisting her entire upper body to stare him down. “Are you going to bring him by?”

“I’m not sure yet. It’s kinda complicated, y’know, with the whole space thing,” he admitted, looking down in shame.

Rosa looked at her nephew and understood. Ruffling his hair, she told him, “A lot of relationships are complicated, even more when it’s between the same sex, but the most rewarding relationships are the ones you work hard for. Take it from someone who’s failed enough relationships for the both of us.”

“Thanks, tia. I-I’ll let you know if I bring him by.”

“You better.”

“Could you, uh, also not tell me parents? I- I haven’t told them – I will! I just need more time, y’know, to slowly build to it.”

Rosa grabbed Lance by his face, squished between both her palms. “Of course I won’t, but you listen to me Lance McClain. Your parents love you very much. They would never, ever in a million years let you think they wouldn’t love you for any reason  if they can help it. You got that?” Lance could only nod seeing as his lips were too squished to say otherwise.  “Okay, love ya kid!” she said, giving him a kiss on the forehead.

Lance sat on the curb for a bit and checked his phone. He’d collectively missed 276 messages, 43 calls, and 18 voicemails from his team. Even Coran had sent him a message with a confusing emoji attached to it. He decided to read through all of them. The messages were mostly about the Castle repairs and how everyone was doing, it was mostly jokes and light teasing. Pidge had sent images of her and Matt and/or with their dog or Kaltenecker. Allura had also mastered the photo sharing, (undoubtedly with Pidge’s help) and she too began sharing photos with her and the mice. Hunk replied instantaneously to most messages, and if it involved photos of pets, you can bet there were several heart-related emojis thrown in them. Keith replied sporadically, mostly to check up on everyone or let them know about some information. On occasions that were more often than anyone would have guessed, the black paladin would make puns. Albeit, most of them were terrible, but the gang enjoyed them nonetheless. Shiro replied less often than Keith, but more often than Lance, who was mentioned in the chat less often than Shiro replied. Keith and Shiro had both sent him private messages. Shiro asking various versions of “are you okay, haven’t heard from you since I left” and “if you need to talk, let me know” and “Keith is worried about you and so am i, let us know you’re okay.” Keith’s was a little different.

“Hey, did u and Hunk get home safe?”

“Turns out Krolia is a better cook than me” with an attachment of his food. Lance lingered on the photo, surprised the Keith would be the type to take photos of his food. _Cute._

“Are u okay? How’s ur family?”

“Goodnight.”

“It’s late but Yorak misses you” attached with a photo of Yorak and a shirtless Keith.

“I know ur busy with ur family and I probably shouldn’t be calling or texting a lot but let me know ur okay. I miss you.” _That hurts._ Keith hadn’t even been sending a lot of messages - 6 in the span of 5 days isn’t even remotely ‘a lot’ and Lance would be lying if that did not sting a little.

“I lied. Yorak didn't miss you. I did.”

“Look who gets along” with an attachment of Yorak and Kaltenecker.

“Do you get nightmares too?”

“Make sure u have a plane ticket back for the meeting. It’s in a few days. Can’t wait to see you.”

“No one’s heard from you since you left, are u okay?”

“Lance, please talk to me.”

“At least I’m not the only one you’re ignoring.” That was yesterday’s and the last one.

Lance still has notifications. Some from Matt with some memes and some from Coran with a lot of emojis and the continuing onslaught of messages from the paladin chat, named “The P to ur V” thanks to Pidge. He wants to call it a night because he doesn’t think he can listen to the voicemails. The messages were bad enough. If Keith was mad at him, and the voicemails were from him…

 _I should at least text back,_ he thinks, but he can’t think of anything so he goes back inside. He goes through his whole routine with Keith’s messages open, hoping if he stares at them enough, the right words will come to him. He goes to bed, staring that his phone, thinking of something to say that will encompass everything he wants to say. He falls asleep way past midnight with Keith’s messages still open. His phone dies 45 minutes later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol lance sucks at communication and keith does all the talking. 
> 
> role reversal is neat.


	16. Newton's Laws

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1\. an object in motion will stay in motion.  
> 2\. change depends on two variables  
> 3\. every action has an equal and opposite reaction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the two variables are clearly lance and keith, idk if that's obvious.

The nightmares continued and Lance had to ask Luis to go back to Marco’s room. _Beg, really._ The younger McClain had initially refused until it had started affecting his grades and soccer performance, so he really had no choice. He couldn't let his grades slip otherwise he'll be kicked out of soccer and Lance had still yet to see him play in a game. He had forgotten how much he loved soccer, how much he loved mildly tolerating drills. He wasn't so keen on shin splints of the stupid humidity, but he'd tough it out if it meant playing the next game so sleep... he needed sleepl; they both did. The two had quietly moved Luis out of their shared bedroom. Lance felt uneasy about it, as if this minor change would somehow send him back to that cold, empty room of his back in the Castle of Lions, which was impossible since it had blown up, but still the fear nestled itself into his guts, had made a comfy home in its depths. 

“We can still have sleepovers on the weekends, rights?” Lance asked, laying down on the full bed. Why Luis would give this up for his crappy twin mattress in their room was beyond Lance; this mattress was even better than his.

“I don’t think it really counts as sleepovers if we live under the same roof.”

“Shut up, it does too… but I guess it doesn’t change the fact that I’ll still be waking you up with the… y’know.”

“Nightmares, yeah.” They stayed quiet for a while with Lance occupying the bed and Luis reorganizing his old-new room. The younger brother contemplated whether to bring it up again; he thought it would benefit the paladin if he could maybe understand what was going on with himself, but Lance had been pretty firm with his stance on the subject. Maybe one more shot. “Have you, uh, tried the image rehearsal thing?”

“The what?”

“Journaling. It’s like journaling. You rewrite your nightmares to give them a happy ending.”

“I don’t have PTSD, Luis.”

“Does Shiro?”

Lance takes a moment to recall their movie nights. Had he ever seen Shiro sleep? Does Shiro even sleep? But then the paladin recalls when they had to camp outside of the Castle of Lions and moments when they were stranded during missions. So yeah, Shiro sleeps and Shiro screams, but they weren’t even full sentences. Most of the time, it was only one word – champion. And they’ve gone through enough mind melds to have a vague idea of what Shiro had gone through, and if Lance had been subjected to the same torture their leader had been, well he’d be less inclined to deny having PTSD. “Yeah, probably.”

“So why is it hard for you to admit that you might have it?”

The paladin can feel the irritation itching at his throat. He hated it when Luis always brought shit like this up. Could he not tell that it made Lance upset? Angry? Why the hell does he keep bringing it up? “I don’t have it! I didn’t go through even a fraction of what Shiro went through! Of course he’d have PTSD! It makes sense that he’d have PTSD after what the Galra did to him and after everything he’s gone through in space: the clones, being trapped in the consciousness of a lion, the arm thing. But I didn’t do anything in space-“

“I thought you-“

“Yeah, well you thought wrong. Nothing happened to me up there for me to have PTSD, so believe me when I say that I don’t have it! Now give it a fucking rest, Luis.”

“Lance, you were _in a war_. I wouldn’t call that nothing. I would-”

“Luis, STOP! Just stop. I don’t have PTSD, okay. They’re just nightmares! Jeez, enjoy your new room,” Lance spat, slamming the door on his way out. He’ll apologize later, but right now, he just wants to leave so he goes to his happy place – to Elaine’s, where there’s Issa and Rico and the baby and no one asking him about PTSD.

 

 

Veronica was back for another weekend. How she manages to be able to afford to spend every weekend back home is only a testament to her time-management skills, still Lance was worried.

“Aren’t your grades slipping? Are you sure it’s okay for you to come back every weekend?” Lance had asked as they put face masks on, reinstating biweekly spa days.

Veronica just scoffed. “Please, you think I’d let my grades slip that easily. Who do you take me for – Marco?” And that was the last time Lance would bring that up, but just to make her point, his sister sent him photos of her exam scores with a middle finger in all of them, in case it got lost in translation. He saved all of them, wondered how much storage his new phone held, ignoring the numerous notifications from the Voltron chat.

“Are you gonna get that?” his sister asked, gesturing to his phone.

“Nah, we’re bonding.”

“I don’t mind, Lance. It might be important paladin stuff, right? Besides, if you don’t get it, it’s never going to stop.” The paladin reluctantly rose from his comfortable position on the couch as his sister put in Legally Blonde into the DVD player.

176 messages, 43 calls, and 4 new voicemails from his team since he checked it last week. Maybe it’s Newton’s First Law: an object in motion will stay in motion. And he was doing a real bang-up job ignoring them for two weeks now, what was another one? Lance muted all of their messages and went back to his sister to marathon their favorite movies. Luis had joined them, even putting on a face mask as per their spa day rule: no face mask, no movie.

Lance had decided that weekends were the best. Luis didn’t have soccer practice and Veronica was home. Sometimes Elaine would bring the kids by and they would all stay for dinner, and dinner was always more exciting with more people. He spent the weekdays babysitting Rico, Issa, and the baby, but otherwise, he was alone and it was quiet with soccer practice having taken Luis’ time after school and Veronica in college, so he tried not to bother either of them too much. He’s binged five shows in the three weeks he’s been home, something to keep his mind occupied, which they did very well. Entertainment was designed for this purpose anyhow, and who was Lance to refuse consumerism if it meant keeping him from thinking about the V-word.

But sometimes, it was hard. He would wonder if Pidge was okay and how she’s been dealing with being back. Lance can’t imagine her being anything but ecstatic with having finally reunited her family together. Hunk was probably soaking in the family love as well. He’d been just as homesick as Lance, but less vocal about it than he had been. What could Coran and Allura be doing? Maybe they’ve been practicing milking Kaltenecker, that would be fun for them. Have they had some ice cream? What do they think about earth food? Was Shiro still in Japan? How did his parents react to him being back? Did they think he was ghost? He looked like a ghost. Ghost would have arms though, wouldn't they? Keith's arms are warm. Is he still living out in the desert? What does he eat out there? How does he cook?  Is he okay?  _This is so stupid, I could literally just ask him._

Grabbing his phone, he stops at his voicemails first, in case maybe he missed something important, starting with the first one. It’s from Shiro.

_“Hey, Lance. I just wanted to see if this works internationally. I just landed in Japan. My parents don’t know I’m coming, so I have to take a cab or uber or something. I’ve been called ojiisan six times now. I’m really excited to surprise them. Okay, I have to go, have fun! Bye, Lance.”_

The second one was a butt dial form Hunk. The third through eleventh was Coran trying to figure out how calls and voicemails work and then explaining it to Lance after having done so. Twelve and fourteen were from Allura asking how he’s been and telling him she’s been taking care of red. Fifteen and sixteen were from his parents and both were food-related. Seventeen was Elaine asking him to watch the kids while she fills in for someone at work. Eighteen is Shiro asking if Lance is okay and asking him to call back. nineteen is Keith who hangs up a second later. twenty is Keith again but there’s a pause before Keith speaks and his voice is a little rough but tender.

_“Hey Lance. It’s me, Keith. You knew that – why did i… Look, I-I know I’m bothering you a lot while you’re with your family – I’m sorry. I just wanted to know if you’re okay. I, uh, I miss you, so call me back or something?”_

Lance listens to the next one.

_“Hey, it’s been like a week and a half since you left but no one has heard from you. No messages, no calls, nothing. I just wanted to let you know that we miss you... I miss you and I still care about you. A lot. But maybe you weren’t ready for this. Maybe I pushed you into this? I should have waited and that’s on me, I mean you said you weren’t ready. I don’t know why I – why I pushed it… Well I know why, I didn’t exactly keep it to myself. I miss you. I already said that, jesus why am I… Look, Lance, could you call me back. If you can’t or you don’t want to, fine, that’s – whatever,  but at least give me something to let me know you’re okay.”_

Twenty-two is also Keith.

_“It’s me. Keith. Again. It’s been three weeks, Lance. Could you just pick up the phone and talk to us? It doesn’t even have to be me, but no one’s heard from you and you know this kind of radio silence isn’t okay! If we were still in space, this would mean you’re dead. I mean even on earth, it could  still mean… It doesn’t have to be me. If you wanted space, if you wanted some distance from me, I’d get it. I’m not going to hate you or anything. I won’t be mad. I’ll understand if you - just... why can't you just talk to me? Don’t push us away like this. Don’t push me away, Lance. Please.”_

Okay, so he needed to talk to Keith. If he couldn’t do it for himself, he’d do it for Keith because Keith doesn’t deserve whatever silence treatment Lance was dishing. Besides, it’d be easy.  It would be so easy. Just press call back. Let the phone ring. He’ll pick up, then Lance would apologize.

But Keith had a point. He wasn’t really at a good point in his life when the black paladin had asked him out. Yes, he’d been getting better, getting slowly better, but he wasn’t ready to be with him yet... or anyone for that matter. Maybe he had just been grasping for anything that would make him remotely happy, and at the time, it was Keith. Keith made him happy. But Lance had told him he still had reservations about being in a relationship with him, not that he blamed Keith for sweeping him along. Lance was, after all, easily swept. Maybe he had jumped in too early at the chance, and maybe that would be their ruin… so Lance hesitated. Calling Keith was the smart move. They could talk things out. Lance could clear this misunderstanding, could tell Keith that it wasn't his fault, could tell him that he missed him too - it's just... he needs more time. He doesn't want to not be with Keith, but he needs more time. Keith had left Voltron for the Blade when he needed to, so Keith would understand. Staring at his phone, Lance reminded himself: it was the smart move. 

* * *

Three weeks and counting. Lance has yet to return anyone’s messages or calls, and Keith was starting to doubt if they were even together. Maybe he had been too vague. _I kissed him for fuck’s sake, how is that vague. That is as undoubtedly unvague as I can get._   He had set his phone aside for three days, sick of waiting, sick of checking, sick of nothing... but sometimes he couldn't resist the nagging curiosity to glance at it, just in case Lance ever did decide to reply. It wasn’t until another two days when he noticed a missed call… _from Lance? Lance had called him? Lance had called him. Holy shit, Lance called him!_ For a moment, the black paladin felt ecstatic, could almost physically feel the influx of oxytocin just from the knowledge that Lance called him back, but the petty part of Keith felt slightly satiated by missing the call yet an even bigger part of him felt worse for having missed it _._  And after a quick glace at his notification, he was only annoyed and angry because with further examination, the only thing he had missed was just that one missed call from an hour earlier, nothing else. No voicemail, no message stating whether or not was okay or even asking for a call back.  _Am I supposed to assume that he's fine just from one missed call?!_   _That he's healthy enough to at least call back once?! Yet for some reason, he can't be bothered to leave a message?_ He briefly considered calling back, but didn’t think reaching another voicemail would make himself feel better and he already felt worse, so he channeled his energy into helping rebuild the castle because it is not exactly like he can take it out on the object of his frustration; besides, to Lance, he wasn't even worth a breath. 

 

Pidge, Coran, Allura, Matt, and Sam were the core team for the rebuild. The Holts knew alien tech and had experimented with it, and Coran and Allura knew the castle best. Hunk, as the engineer, was also hired to do… engineering things. Although, his expertise were a little more focused in mechanical and aerospace, hanging out with Pidge had broadened his skills in electrical, software, and system engineering. This left Shiro and Keith with a lot of the heavy lifting, which they didn’t complain about. If anything, they made a competition out of it, and it gave them a lot of time to talk.

Shiro had talked about his trip to Japan, and how he had gotten lost and felt embarrassed that he could hardly speak Japanese now. Never mind that he can speak Altean, Galran, and Bi Boh fluently, his parents still chastised him for forgetting his native tongue. Aside from also scaring them to death with his missing limb, his evident facial scar, and his ghost-white hair, the entire ordeal had been heartwarming. He was even glad to know that they had adopted a cat in his absence, but they weren’t exactly as happy to know that Shiro had only been visiting and would be returning to space  once the Castle was built. And as his track record showed, he hardly ever let anything stand in his way so in condition, his parents had asked for a better line of communication to him. Who was he to deny them communication to their one and only presumably-dead son, so he left his phone with them and had gotten a new one from Matt, who had created more phones with intergalactic communication range. “Think email, except slower. I mean, it’s going through galaxies, it’s going to take a while. Messages can't just wormhole through space, but it’s not like anyone can build one better so you’ll take what I give you,” Matt had explained, and though Shiro could have easily answered that Pidge could unquestioningly build one better, he didn’t argue.

This time also gave Shiro a lot of opportunities to ask about Lance, as if Keith had talked to him recently. As if any of them had, really.

“Shiro, I swear to god, if you ask me one more time, I will take your arm and slap you with it,” and Shiro liked very much to remain unslapped, so he didn’t ask again. It was clear Keith was trying to keep it from the team, his agitation and longing all in regards to the missing paladin. Hunk had tried to comfort Keith, claiming that “you know Lance. He really missed his family, he probably just got carried away with the time and maybe also lost his phone or something. He’ll be okay, Keith.” The black paladin had just smiled and thanked Hunk, but Shiro could tell that no words offered by any of them would ease Keith; they weren't the ones he wanted to talk to. So Shiro tried to distract with him competitions, sparring, and even going as far as to find and fix Keith’s hoverbike, which had been the most successful way to take the blade's mind off Lance.

* * *

Three days and Keith hadn’t returned his phone call. _He must be really mad,_ which is the conclusion Lance arrived to after checking his phone for the seventh time that day because really what other reason could there be? Time was abundant now that there was no one to fight and it’s not like Keith had been radio silent in the group chat since the call, so it was a reasonable conclusion to reach. Consequently, Lance did not call again, afraid that Keith was so angry that he’d yell at him and Lance preferred to be yelled at face to face like any sane, normal person, thank you very much. Unfortunately for the paladin, he knows that this is something he has to do; it’s just a matter of building the courage to call again. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but he knows this is only happening because of his own actions. Newton’s Third Law: every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And who were they to go against the laws of physics?

Lance is at Elaine’s apartment, watching the kids. Well, supposed to be anyway, but instead he’s staring at his phone, almost accusatorily. If this phone didn’t exist, none of this would have happened, so really Sam Holt is to blame. That’s what Lance tries to convince himself when Elaine storms in.

“Marco’s calling in half an hour! Grab the laptop!” Lance is a little too stunned to move immediately, but once the words sink in, he’s on his feet scrambling in search of the laptop, mind reeling at the thought that today, today he'll see Marco. It may not be the way he wants, but  _after being separated from my family, I'll take what I can get_. He's immediately compiling a list of what to tell Marco. _Should I tell him I'm bi? Maybe that's a face-to-face discussion. I should tell him that i'm a sword wielding knight and a sniper! Oh man, I could definitely kick his ass now! Where_   _is this stupid laptop?_

They sit in front of the computer with Lance dead center, 20 minutes too early. He is jittery with his leg-shaking and hand-wringing and he has to remind himself that he has nothing to worry about, nothing to be nervous about – this is Marco for god’s sake. Not a job interview at NASA.

Twelve minutes left. The kids have gotten bored and are playing video games in Issa’s room. It’s just Elaine and Lance. To pass the time, she asks why he looks nervous but the paladin confesses that he has no idea. Elaine leaves and comes back with a Rubik’s Cube.

“Rico is easily distracted, so we have a couple of these to keep him focused on something when he gets antsy.”

“Are you saying-“

“Lance, just take it.” He’s got nothing to lose by taking it. When he was a kid, he wanted one. His chemistry teacher kept one in the front of the class room and challenged everyone in that class to solve it with the reward of five percent extra credit on their final grade. Five percent is a lot. It could be the difference between a C and B, or in Lance’s case, an A or an A+. He hadn’t needed it then, thought it was nice to have a safety net if he missed an assignment or a quiz. For some reason, he felt that now he needed one, so he started by trying to get all the orange squares on one face.

The paladin had been extremely focused on solving the Rubik's Cube that he hadn’t realized that it was already five minutes past the time Marco would have called. The ringing of a Skype call request had drawn his attention away from the cub, but before he could even set the cube down, Elaine had already skated the mouse over the accept button.

“Hey, sorry. Carter took a little longer saying goodbye to his son. Can’t really- Lance?” Even the shitty, low quality of Skype could not hide Marco’s new scars. His face was peppered with new cuts and old. Part of his beard ( _which by the way, whoa – new look for Marco_ ) had a gash striking through it; it looks old but Lance knows it wasn’t there before he left. His beard moves when he talks, lagging behind the audio. “Lance, is that you? Is that really- crap, is this thing frozen? Elaine? Are you-“

“Yeah, it’s me. Marco, it’s Lance.” The look on Marco’s face can only be described by one word – disbelief. Lance has to wonder how different he looks from before. He can’t imagine it being much differently. More muscular, sure. Broader, yeah. Does he look older? _Stress can do that to a person_ , Lance recalls the images of presidents before and after their presidencies. Lance may not have been a leader in any sense of the word, but he wasn’t immune to stress. Besides, there was hardly any space facial ( _spatial facial_ , _heh_ ) products to combat it.

“Okay, Luis, knock it off. That’s not funny. You know we all miss Lance, that's no reason to start acting out. Seriously.”  _That’s not funny. You know we all miss Lance, that's no reason to start acting out._ Lance desperately wishes he could have recorded that, save the sound file, and somehow store it in his head because as much as he wants to savor hearing the words "You know we all miss Lance" and the way his heart swells at the sound, he's able to discern that he only has a limited amount of time with his brother and he doesn't want to waste it by crying just because he was missed when he should be convincing Marco that it's really him - Lance. 

“Oh please, Luis wishes he was this good-looking.” Somehow that sentence does the trick because all of a sudden, Marco is half off his chair, tumbling towards the camera.

“Oh my god, Lance! LANCE! It is you! Holyshitholyshitholyfuck. How- wait how long- when did you – how did you – where – Lance, is that really you?” _I guess not all doubt can be removed by one sentence._ Lance can see Elaine in his peripheral laughing into her palms and if this wasn’t a little heartbreaking that his brother needed more convincing, he probably would be too.

“Yeah, Marco. It’s me, the best-looking of all the McClain siblings.” It’s easy to fall back into who he was when he was with his siblings, and Lance is happy when the opportunity arises and he can feel himself slip back into who he was, into that part of him that was just pushed to back during war because he was a warrior before he was himself. _Warrior, chyeah right. More like the butt of the joke._ _The sacrificial pawn for everyone’s entertainment._ But he shakes off the thoughts because he’s finally talking to Marco so that asshole part of him can take the back seat, there is absolutely no way he’s going to let himself ruin this for both of them. “Wait, are you – hey stop that! Marco, stop crying!”

“Sh-shut up, okay, let me cry. Jesus christ, I thought you were dead.”

“Y-you did?” No one had said it before, not out loud at least. Not the garrison. Not Luis. Not Veronica. Certainly not his parents. The thought that even for an instant, they considered him dead was paralyzing. “But I sent a letter,” he replies but he can feel his throat catching.

Marco does not try to wipe the tears away, just lets them stream down his face. “Y-you could have died since then. You could have - jesus fuck, Lance, I’m so happy you’re alive.”

“Then stop crying, you’re going to make me cry!”

“Okay, okay,” though it is obvious to both of them that there was no stopping those tears; it's out of their hands so they pretend, and it is okay to pretend sometimes. “How-how long have you been back?”

“I don’t know, like two weeks? Maybe three, actually. I… I really miss you, Marco.”

That elicits a laugh and a smile and the younger’s chest swells in joy. “I miss you too, Lance _..._ So, tell me about space.”

Lance wanted to tell him everything – all the good, the bad, the in-between – but he did not know how much time they had to talk, so he sacrificed the bad and the in-between. Those didn’t matter right now; they felt distant to the paladin, almost as if someone else had lived that life,  as if Lance had only read about it in a biography or an article or whatever. He didn’t feel connected to it, like he wasn’t even a paladin anymore. For a moment, it almost feels like he was back at the garrison, skyping his siblings to brag about his grades or complain about Iverson. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo, turns out writing sometimes destresses me. it took me two weeks just to write this one chapter, which feels weird when usually i was able to bust out three or four chapters in that time. sorry for jerking your tails around guys, guess i'm not over this story yet. chapters will come slower, but at least they'll come.


	17. Visiting

_Two weeks_ , Lance reminded himself as he ended his nightly run. 

Marco had been keeping it a secret so that he could surprise Elaine and their kids, but after finding out Lance was back…

“Man, I really have missed you.”

Lance scoffed, feigning offense. “You say that like you haven’t missed me all this time.”

Marco smirked, “Oh yeah? Maybe I haven’t. Believe it or not, Lance, my favorite McClains happen to be my kids.”

“That’s so unfair! I can’t win against them! They’re cute and small and… cute! And Rico has like this beautiful singing voice, I mean, Marco, I love you and Elaine but you guys suck at singing, so who did he get that from? And Issa?! Did you know Issa can beat me at Mario Kart?! She also let me help her build a Lego Hogwarts, which was pretty cool! And, oh my god, little baby Mateo can gurgle like champ!” hands wildly flying around Marco’s screen.

“Well, yeah, no shit. They’re my kids, of course they’re gonna be awesome!” Lance had a retort ready to fire about how it was probably all Elaine, but the wide smile that was on Marco’s face had withered to a sigh. “Look Lance, I’ve only got a few minutes left before I have to go, but I- I don’t wanna hang up without knowing if this is the last time we’ll talk.  I know you said that you guys came back to earth to repair a space castle or something, but if you can stay home for another month or even just two weeks, I’ll be home soon.”

“Wait… you’ll be home? Soon? As in you’ll be in Florida? In two weeks? Like two weeks from now, you’ll be in Florida?”

“Yeah, but – ”

“Are you kidding? No one told me about this?! Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? I thought I wouldn’t see you again for like, I don’t know, like another three years or something! Are you really coming home?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t supposed to come back until the end of the year and it was supposed to be a surprise, but I don’t want to just leave it to chance that you’d still be there when I come back. I’ll be home in two weeks – on the 17th. Will you – will you still be there?”

Will he?  Lance doesn’t know. Of course he wants to say yes. There is nothing more he wants right now than to give Marco a 100% guarantee that when he comes back on the 17th, Lance will be here but he doesn’t even know himself. The last thing he wants is end this call on a shitty note, so Lance lies. “Yeah, I will! The 17th, that’s … a Saturday! Veronica will be home! You can join us for spa day!”

Marco laughs; Lance has been trying to rope him into their spa days since he and Veronica had established it, but the paladin had never been successful until today because the next words out of Marco denies him the chance of ever backing out. “Yeah, I promise.” And Marco has never broken a promise to any of his siblings, so Lance decides at that moment that he would definitely be here, if nothing else than to at least see Marco with a face mask.

Lance tells Veronica first, too excited to keep it as a secret. They practically yell with excitement, it’s a miracle that either of their hearing is still intact, The topic naturally glides them into embarrassing stories of Marco – ones they definitely will tease him for when he come back home. The second people he tells are his parents and Luis at dinner, giddy from keeping it from them for four hours. His papa is the first to cry but his mother isn’t too far behind, chuckling and rubbing his father’s back as she does. Luis just grins, animatedly talking about how nice it would be once they are all together again, already proposing trips to Varadero beach. Lance only thinks it is fitting that they go once Marco returns – it has always been a family thing anyway.

He is still high from the day’s events and he wants to tell more everyone, so the paladin reaches for his phone only to remember he has alienated the people he desperately wants to tell. That dampens his mood a little, so he spends the rest of the night staring at his phone, contemplating whether to call or not. Thirty-seven minutes past midnight, he does. Part of Lance hopes Keith will answer, but he knows he’s calling in the middle of the night and that guarantees that the call won’t be picked up. Maybe Lance was not as excited to tell them about it, because if he was, he might have called Pidge first, maybe even Shiro. Keith is not excatly known for his all-nighters, but when Keith doesn’t answer, Lance can’t tell whether he is relieved or disappointed by this and falls asleep trying to figure out.

 

The nightmares are relentless, but they become less vague the more they occur. Lance begins to remember them even after he’s woken up, but he really wishes he didn’t. Most of them involve xenocides – bi boh massacres, the Olkari enslaved, the Balmeras eviscerated – all at the hands of the Galra Empire. And while those are terrifying dreams, the ones that leave Lance paralyzed are the ones where his friends are hurt and he’s useless,  the ones where Pidge gets caught and put in the Galra Arena or where Hunk is blown up helping civilians or where Keith is experimented on and doesn’t recognize them or  Shiro is manipulated into killing them all or Allura is abducted and tortured by Lotor or Coran dies trying to save him. He just watches it happen, no matter what he does or what he says, he can never save them. There’s no escape until Lance wakes up and even then, the feel like old memories, like they truly happened, and he has to shake himself away from feeling. He reminds himself they’re alive. They’re alive, and he might not be talking to them, but at least they’re alive.

Lance starts running to tire himself out more, not that he’s desperate to go back into the nightmares, but he doesn’t want to veer away from his current routine. If there was one thing he learned from the garrison is that routine is necessary. It was a pain in the ass then, but in space, there was something comforting about it (though Allura and Shiro were more lenient than the garrison ever was) and it holds true even now, when there is nothing to do, no one to fight, no one to save. And as much as he hates it, running keeps him on some schedule; it lets him sleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillow, even if the nightmares wakes him up a few hours later.

* * *

It’s a Thursday when Luis is finally able to play in an official game, not just scrimmages anymore. Lance and Tia Rosa go together while his parents relax. Luis had really only been concerned with Lance going anyway.

The paladin is out on the curb waiting for his tia to pick him up for the game and while waiting, he scrolls through his phone.

He’ll have to decide soon whether to stay or not. It’s not like he can just wait until the last second and just stroll into the castle he didn’t help build and just go slip back into the team he had avoided all this time and just think that everything will be the same… could he? _No no no, Lance. Come on, you can’t just do that. Besides, before sucked. We want things to be better this time._ He groaned. _Nice job of doing that, you alienated yourself from them. How is that any better?_ His chest feels choked when he tries to imagine what confronting them would be like, their angry faces, hurt voices. Keith is never there when he imagines it.

Even though Lance does not know why, the realization itself is enough to for him to start dialing his number. He knows it be heart now; he doesn’t need to nor did he intend to, but after staring at the number endlessly and constantly, debating whether to call or not, he is not surprised. He prepares himself for the inevitable monotonic voice of “you’ve reached the voice mailbox of…: and he is not disappointed. _Well, I am but really, I brought this on myself._

Luckily, before he can bury himself in a rabbit hole of self-blame, his ride arrives.

__

Keith broke his phone. If you asked him, he would say no, it was not on purpose. Well, not consciously anyway. In his defense, he had been so much more unhappier since he’s had it than without it, and if you asked him, he would say no, it was not because of a certain paladin, Shiro. And well, he would be lying. Not that he needed to tell the truth, Keith was far from the king of subtlety. Everyone knew but no one brought it up.

Except for Hunk.

The yellow paladin had taken a break. Normally, they all took their breaks together, but his brain had been fried, literally. He had gotten electrocuted working on some electric wiring to deter taking from the ship’s alternate energy, hopefully saving it for times when they need the most, like when they were being attacked by Sendak or Lotor or Zarkon – anytime they are battling, really. He found Keith sitting on top of the titanium panels he was supposed to be loading on the forklift with a broken phone in his hands.

“What happened?” Hunk asked when the black paladin did not acknowledge him, despite the fact that he was within ten feet and unmissable.

“It’s broken.”

Hunk chuckles and joins him on top of the titanium sheets. “Yeah, I can tell, but how’d it happen?”

“I broke it?”

Hunk does not have a lot of experiences talking to Keith. They get along better than he and Lance do… or well, did… or did did? Do did? Did do? Point is, Keith and Hunk  were at one point in a better relationship than Keith and Lance were, and even then, they hardly talked about anything personal, except for the Galra thing and even then that was nonchalant, like talking about the weather. But it has never been this difficult, despite the fact the communication wasn’t the blade’s strongest skill. “Why did you break it?”

“I didn’t mean to!” Keith yelled defensively before sighing in resignation, whispering, “it just happened.”

It wasn’t anything to be sad about. Pidge, Matt, or Sam could have easily repaired or replaced the phone, so clearly the issue was not so much that the phone was broken but something else.

Lance had not talked to any of them in a while, had even ignored Hunk’s messages, but he was not angry or upset as most of their team was. Lance had always been attached to his family; there was a bond there that none of them could substitute, no matter how much the red paladin tried. It wasn’t like Hunk wouldn’t have wanted to stay with his own family; he wasn’t dying to go back to space any time soon, so could he really blame Lance for doing something he wanted to do as well? It hardly seemed fair, but then again, nothing they have gone through seemed fair. Fair was nothing more than a concept – it was not real. But Hunk was an optimist.

“If this is about Lance… Keith, you should know, that when you left, he took it the hardest. I mean, we all missed you buddy, but Lance was always bringing you up, saying stuff like ‘if Keith was here…’ or ‘Keith wouldn’t…’ or  ‘do you remember when Keith…’ or ‘what do you think Keith is doing right now.’ It was worse than when we were in the garrison, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. He’ll call when he’s ready, Keith.”

“He already has.”

“Well, then why are you all mopey?”

 “I’m not mopey.”

Yeah, right. Not Mopey. What exactly do you call looking sadly and longingly at your phone? Who are you trying to fool Keith because it’s not Hunk. “So, did you just miss him so much that you threw your phone or something?”

“I, uhh, I never answered.”

“Wait, what? Why not?”

Keith keeps his eyes on his broken phone. The screen is partially still lit with the notification of Lance’s most recent missed call. “Maybe I pressured Lance into this thing- our thing. Maybe that’s why he wasn’t talking to me before, and now… now, he’s finally ready to talk and honestly, Hunk, I’m scared… and maybe a little petty. I wanted him to feel a fraction of what he’s made me feel so I’ve been ignoring his calls, but the more he calls and the more I ignore it, the more scared I become. What if he’s calling to say he’s staying? I told him – I told him we could do this long distance thing, but I mean, my parents couldn’t so what fucking hope do we have.”

“Hey, hey, Keith.” And suddenly Hunk’s arms are engulfing him – _literally engulfing him_ – because Hunk never half-asses his  hugs and Keith is grateful for it; although it is not the arms he wants to be engulfed in, it is definitely not worse.

“How do you and Shay do it, Hunk?”

“Uh, well we haven’t really talked about it. Last time we saw each other, I just promised her I would be back, and even now, I plan on keeping that promise. I haven’t once thought of not keeping it, but I can see the appeal of not going back to space. I mean, first of all, the food. Don’t get me wrong – I love green goop as much as the next person, but they’ve never had pizza or mac n cheese or cheesecake or slutty brownies. But I mean she never promised to wait for me, so really… now that I think about it… I guess there is no guarantee. I mean, I could go back and she could already have fallen for someone else. I hadn’t thought of that…”

Keith looked at him skeptically. “You haven’t? Really?”

Hunk gave a noncommittal shrug. “I think I’d be okay with it. I mean, as long as they’re good for her you know? Like they could love her and treat her better than I could. If they’re a scumbag, I’m not saying I’m throwing some hands, but Shay definitely deserves someone good for her, and so do you buddy.”

“What about Lance?”

“Lance has you, Keith.”

“Yeah, but am I what he deserves? Haven’t all I done is leave him?”

“Keith-“

“I don’t want to keep doing that to him but if he’s staying, if he’s leaving Voltron, if he wants to stay on earth… I can’t stay, Hunk. I don’t have a home here, and my family, my whole race, they’re up in space. I still have so much I want to know about myself and I’ve finally found some place I belong and it’s up there, lightyears and lightyears and lightyears away from here. Hunk, if he stays, all I’d be doing is leaving. Forever. Again and again and…”

Hunk doesn’t know what to say. He’s optimistic sure, but the war has changed everybody and he’s no exception. He’s got no guarantee that things will be okay between them. He’s hopeful about it, can feel in his gut that they’re endgame – there is just no way that they aren’t, but he could be wrong, and he does not want to give Keith half-assed answers. He’s got no words of comfort for the blade, who, for the time since returning to them, sounded so unsure.

So what the yellow paladin does is hand Keith his phone – “Talk to him.”

* * *

Luis made two goals during the game and when it ended, the team decided to eat at Tijuana Flatts to celebrate Luis’s official first game back into varsity, so it was just Rosa and Lance heading home.

 stood at the curb, waving goodbye until the car had exited the cul-de-sac. “Lance!” Veronica yelled from the front door.

“Yeah, I’m coming!” he called out, but Veronica was already racing to him, grabbing his arm to drag him into the house.

“There’s a hot guy here for you!”

_Keith?_ “KEITH?!” He ripped his arm out of her grasp to run inside, almost tripping at the little step to their door.  “Keith, what are you-”

But the white tuft of hair and the bionic arm were indicative that it was not Keith but Shiro who turned around.  

“Shiro?” He stopped to look at his parents smiling before looking back at the former paladin. “What are you doing here? Uh, actually, why don’t we go for a walk. We’ll be back in a little,” he told his parents, nodding Shiro towards the front door.

Once safely outside, Shiro said, “Sorry for coming unannounced but it’s been a month and no one had heard from you.”

Lance scratched the back of his head, “Sorry. Did you come back from Japan just to make sure I was still alive?”

“I’ve been back for two weeks now. We were all supposed to meet as planned, but you and Hunk didn’t show up. Hunk mixed up his return flight, but no one could get a hold of you. You don’t respond to any of our messages or our calls. Even Keith couldn’t reach you. Hunk had even stopped by a couple days before his flight last week, but no one had been home. Everyone’s been worried about you, Lance. What’s going on?”

“Sorry, I just wanted to be with my family for a little longer.”

“We would have understood. We know how much you missed them. You didn’t have to shut us out, Lance. We’re your friends.”

“I just wanted some time with them without having to worry about leaving again. Every time you guys send a message, all I hear is some bell counting down the days until I have to leave them again. And I haven’t even seen Marco yet. I haven’t gotten to tell my parents that I like guys, much less that I’m only visiting. That my being here is only temporary. That I’m not staying.” When he lifted his head to look at Shiro, the disappointment in his face was conspicuous.

“You promised, Lance. You promised you would talk to me.”

Lance had no reply to offer. There was no good excuse; he had just wanted to step away from all Voltron-related things, and yes that included Shiro and Pidge and Hunk and Allura and Keith and Coran and Krolia and the Holts. He wanted to be _just_ Lance McClain for a while longer.

Not Lance McClain, the red paladin.

Not Lance McClain, Paladin of Voltron.

Not Lance McClain, Defender of the Universe.

Not even Lance McClain, the Sharpshooter.

Just Lance.

So he didn’t make any apologies, didn’t try to give excuses. He just kept his mouth shut.

“Does that mean you’re staying with Voltron?” Shiro asked as they continued their walk, having to swat away gnats.

“I haven’t decided yet but maybe? Do you have any place to stay while you’re here cause if you want, you can stay with us while you’re here? We’ve got a guest room.”

Shiro accepted the offer and when they returned home, his parents had instructed him to prepare the spare room. As he left Shiro with his parents and sister, Lance glanced a look from stairs to see the brief look of mortification from their guest, but all he offered him were two thumbs up. He didn’t know Shiro was the kind to be nervous around parents.  

Lance had to set up the air mattress, whose pump was broken so he had to go into the garage to find an old balloon air pump. It would be tedious but it had to be done, but even with Lance’s training, his arms grew sore and tired easily, so he was relieved when Veronica offered to help.

“Just so you know, I showed him your room.”

Lance stiffened. “You did what?!” he shrieked, a montage of all the posters he had posted on his wall of Shiro ran in his head. He even had a calendar featuring poster boys of the garrison, and Shiro was definitely the poster boy of poster boys. He had been featured in so many space magazines multiple times, especially after he set records, that Lance doubted he’s the only one who kept them, but it was embarrassing now that they were friends. And he couldn’t just go and take them down now that he’s seen them! That would be admitting that he was embarrassed and that was worse. “You are officially banned from my room indefinitely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been gone for a long time. in my defense, i just started the walking dead and also midterms suck because professors like to make projects due the same time as exams wooooo.


	18. Shiro Interrupted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance tells Shiro everything

Lance wakes up sweating, and after putting on a dry shirt, he goes downstairs to have a glass of water when he sees Shiro looking over his phone, tapping away.

“Hey, Shiro.” The former paladin jumps out of his seat before facing Lance. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“Yeah, you either?”

Lance just nods, placing himself in the seat across from him. Shiro taps away at his phone for a little more and Lance lets the curiosity and jealousy wash over him. It could be Keith, and of course Keith would respond. Keith wouldn’t let a phone call from Shiro pass without return. The red paladin knows that he should not be jealous over it. It was karma, and well deserved. After all, he had ignored the blade for a good solid month and he has only started reciprocating for a week. He couldn’t complain… well, he could but it didn’t feel right, and neither did asking about Keith when Keith couldn’t ask anyone else about him but he couldn’t help himself. He’s only human. “Is that, umm, is that Keith?” he asks, feigning nonchalance.

Shiro looks up in surprise, and Lance would be lying if he isn’t slightly offended by it, like the very idea of him thinking about Keith was unlikely. “No, it’s Matt, but if you want, I could-“

“NO!” Lance screams before remembering he was in a house full of sleeping, functioning members of society, so he lowers his voice the second time around. “No, it’s fine.” _I really shouldn’t drag Shiro into this. This is my mess._

Shiro himself wonders whether he should drag himself into this. It wasn’t like he wasn’t a part of it, but his intervention is avoidable, but really, who was he kidding. The mere thought of staying away from it was almost blasphemic. This was Keith. Well, it was Lance, but it was Keith having feelings for someone. Said feelings being not anger or hatred or contempt. Okay, so maybe right now, some of those were applicable to Lance, but earth be damned if Shiro was going to walk away from the opportunity to maybe guiding them back to each other. _I’ll be subtle,_ he promises himself. “Keith broke his phone. He threw it against a wall and then for good measure, he took out his blade and stabbed through it. I’m not saying that’s why he won’t answer your calls, but it might prolong it.” Takashi Shirogane – king of subtlety everyone.

Lance smiles sadly. “I know what I did was wrong, cutting him out like that – cutting you all out, and I’m sorry, I am, especially to Keith. I’m not trying to abandon him. I know it seems like I am, but I don’t mean to and it’s not like some subconscious thing where I’m doing it because of what he did to me… I mean us. It’s just right now, it doesn’t feel right, being with him – I know that sounds bad! I just meant that like, I don’t feel… dios this sounds so dumb but I don’t feel right for him. I feel like I’m wrong in all the places I used feel right, like I’m constantly going in and out of consciousness even though I can remember my entire day yesterday. It just feels like ever since I died, I’ve been wrong-”

“Wait, what?”

“like maybe I’m not meant to be here right now and somehow me being here is like upsetting the balance of the universe and I know that sounds like some hippie dippie, crazy stuff-“

“Lance, could you-”

“and it’s probably not true. I know it’s not true because then you being here would also feel wrong and it’s not ‘cause Shiro, not to suck your dick or anything-“

“just backtrack-”

“but you are literally one of the best people in the universe – and I can say that now because I’ve met a lot of people in the universe-”

“a little-”

“and I’ve seen a lot of the universe. I mean we’ve saved it, so I think it’s a valid statement. I’d even say it’s a universal law. So yeah, being brought back from the dead shouldn’t feel wrong. I mean, it shouldn’t, but does it? Does it for you?” Lance pauses for a millisecond like it is enough time for Shiro to answer, and his silence feels like answer enough. _Holy quiznak, what if it’s just me?_ And the thought that maybe he really is alone in this and that maybe the universe is demanding his life and his defiance existence is what makes him feel wrong everywhere almost has him hyperventilating. Is this how it’s always going to feel for him? Will he always feel like this? Maybe he should just-

“Lance!”  Shiro’s voice and the cold metal of his prosthetic arm snaps the red paladin from the invading thoughts when Shiro touches him. “What did you mean you died?”

 

 

Shiro had been staying with the McClains for two nights. He’s met Lance’s parents and two-thirds of his siblings, and while when he knocked on their door, he was met with a warm welcome, he would be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a little nervous, and for the sake of honesty, he might as well admit to being incredibly nervous. He was meeting the parents of someone who was in space as a direct correlation of his own actions. Technically, Shiro had ripped Lance and Hunk away from their family. It wasn’t the same with the Holts’ since Sam and Matt had gone to Kerberos with him – they wanted to, had planned to, and had prepared for it. Keith, well, that was a unique situation. Shiro didn’t think he could feel nervous meeting his parents, and he wasn’t. Keith was a good person and he became like that all on his own. Besides, it’s hard to feel nervous about meeting a parent who abandoned their kid. But Lance and Hunk… well, it was different. He didn’t know them personally and he didn’t know their parents, and he knows enough from just being around the two that they were incredible close with their families. So yes, he was abso-fucking-lutely nervous. How could he not be? So Shiro had braced himself for hostility, relying on the fact that while they had spent their fair share of time in the healing pods, they were still alive. Magically, they were all still alive. None of them died. That’s what Shiro thought. Lance hadn’t died, so he had no real reason to be nervous.

How could he be so _stupid_ to believe that none of them had died. How could he look at Lance’s parents again when they had thanked him for looking after their son? How could he talk to Veronica and Luiz after this when they had told hugged him for bringing back their brother unharmed? But… it couldn’t be true. No one had said anything, no one mentioned it, and this wasn’t some information you let slip by. Shiro tried to rack the memories he gained from Other-Shiro for something. A conversation. A brief mention. Someone _must_ have said something, but there was nothing there - not in Other-Shiro’s nor his own. Was he missing something? God, he hated this, not trusting his own memories. Why hadn’t anyone told him? The Omega Shield hadn’t been too long before he regained consciousness again, and they spend an absurd amount of time together on their journey back to Earth, so _why hadn’t anyone said anything_. This just didn’t make sense… except it did. Listening to Lance narrate what had happened, it explained a lot of things – why Lance was distance, why he was hesitant, why he had changed so much.

“Wait – the Omega Shield? That’s where it happened?”

Lance wrapped his arms tighter around himself. He hated talking about it, and after explaining everything to Shiro, he felt worse. Shiro had gone through so much worse shit than he did, and he couldn’t help but feel conscious of sounding like a child, wanting attention from his friends.  “Yeah, do you remember?”

“No, uh, everything got blurry after Pidge and I got to the power system, but you mentioned it before when you-”

“Yeah, I… I was gonna tell you that time,” the red paladin replied, referring to the night he tried to apologize to Shiro for letting him down. “But I chickened out so-”

“So you tried to play it off by talking about Hunk.”

“He deserved everything I said. Hunk is a total boss and honestly, he would be a great leader. I’m not at all surprised about him having a more important role in the coalition.”

“Lance, we’re not talking about Hunk right now.”

“We should. Hunk is amazing and – ”

“Lance!” Keith had only talked about Shiro’s dad voice a handful of times, and Lance had laughed about it because he couldn’t exactly understand what he meant when he said that it rendered you powerless, but now he knew. It didn’t sound like he was man, but just teetering on the edge of it. “Why didn’t anyone say anything?

“No one knows.”

“Keith knows.”

“Yeah… how do you know he knows if you didn’t know I died?”

“He asked me where the files for that mission was when we were stationed in one of the refugee camps. He was ransacking all the files I had carefully sorted and organized, asking where the files and records from that missions were. Who else knows?”

“Allura.”

“And?”

“No one else.”

“You kept it from Hunk and Pidge, that’s why no one said anything. Why would you keep that-”

“No, I didn’t! I mean, yes, I kept it from them, but that’s not why no one said anything. I asked Keith not to. I didn’t want to seem attention starved okay! Everyone on the team already knows I like being paid attention to and it felt like me talking about it would only make me seem desperate so I didn’t say anything. They already have me type casted as the goofball who can’t retain focus outside of attractive alien babes and I- I just- I didn’t want to add to the list, okay?”

“Lance.”

“I know they’re just joking around, y’know? Harmless teasing, so I didn’t wanna make a big deal about it. The coalition and restoring the universe comes first. That’s what Keith would you. That’s what _you_ would do.” Shiro wanted to deny it, but where was the lie? He has sacrificed his mental and physical health just to keep pushing forward towards defeating Zarkon. So what if he wanted to talk to someone sometimes, his feelings were nothing compared to the fate of the universe. He understood where the red paladin was coming from. He wasn’t particularly happy that he was being used as an example for such self-sacrificial behavior, but he couldn’t very well scold Lance for doing what he would have done – what he has done.  

“I get it, Lance.”

“Yeah…”

“So, what about Allura? I mean she must have told them or talked to you about it.” Lance really did not want to go back into all of this. It was in the past. Big whoop he died, so what. Okay, maybe he had been the one to bring it up in the first place so maybe it was not all in the past, but he didn’t want to talk about Allura. He didn’t want to talk about feeling like whiny baby about it because talking about it could meant slipping back into those feelings, and Lance was feeling good with his family. Yes, he still mostly felt wrong, and it wasn’t perfect with the nightmares and his current standing with the other paladins, but it was better than slipping back into repressing a sort of hate and unwantedness from them, yet somehow by not talking about it, Shiro still understood and Lance felt a little saved from it. “She didn’t. That’s why you never brought it up and that’s why the other Shiro has no memory of it.”

They sat in the staleness of their silence, digesting. Lance had no more secrets to keep from Shiro, he knew it all at this point.  

“I’m over it,” but all he is rewarded with is a skeptical look from Shiro.

“I’m not. Lance, I’ve died and I’m not over it. It’s not something several months of avoiding it will fix. And I feel wrong sometimes too. I never talked about it with you or the others, but Matt knows.”

“He does? What about Keith, does he know?”

Shiro sighed because no, Keith didn’t know that he feels wrong all the time too. “I think we can both agree that I give Keith enough to worry about.”

“He’d want to know, Shiro,” and this time, Lance is rewarded with a smirk.

“Yes, he would, wouldn’t he.” They both know that the attention has shifted back on the red paladin _._ “I know you think you’re real smooth changing topics like that Lance, but you’re going to have to try harder. You forget I had to babysit 5 kids up in space.”

“Hey! We’re young adults. You’re the one who’s six.”

“Lance,” but it sounded less like his name and more like a warning.

“Don’t you ever want to quit being a paladin?”

“I already have.”

“What?”

“You didn’t know? Keith didn’t tell you?”

“Don’t know what? Didn’t tell me what?”

“You should at least read the group chat, Lance.”

“I do! Okay,  I _skim_ through it. It’s mostly memes and Pidge roasting you guys.”

“He’s the black paladin now. I think when Allura took my essence from the black lion, it severed our connection. I can’t pilot him anymore.”

“So, Keith is the black paladin now? Like, _officially_ officially? Oh my god!! This is amazing, I have to congrat-” but as Lance reached for his phone, two things occurred to him:

  1.  Keith’s phone was broken and
  2.  Keith wasn’t talking to him.



Shiro stared, watching as Lance retracted his hand carefully almost like Keith had died and he had momentarily forgotten before it dawned on him, which was absurd because Keith was fine. He was only a phone call away… okay maybe like five, but he wasn’t dead so it pained him to witness it. “Lance?”

“You know I thought Keith liked you? Well, not thought. I knew. Even in the garrison, he only looked at you and I thought after being up in space, you guys would definitely end up together. I, uh, I felt jealous. At the time, I thought it was because you were my hero and he was my rival, you know? Like if you guy ended up together, somehow it felt like neither of you would never acknowledge me as an equal but it was probably because I liked him. Just your average case of repressed homosexuality. Oh shit, sorry! I shouldn’t have said anything, I mean it wasn’t really my thing to tell and who knows I could be wrong-”

Shiro chuckled, holding up a hand to stop the younger. “Lance, I know he had a crush on me.”

“How do you not want to be with him? He’s amazing.” Lance commented absently.

“Well, there was someone else,” Shiro replied, a sad smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“Oh. Right. Well, yeah. I thought you and Keith were endgame, you know. A power couple. Helping people. Kicking Ass. Saving the universe. I could see it. So could Allura, y’know... I don’t deserve him, Shiro.”

“Keith didn’t have a lot when he was young, Lance. There were so many things he wanted that he convinced himself he didn’t deserve. A family for one. Friends. Happiness. Love. It’s taken him a long time to feel okay about going after those things, to feel good about it. He’s come a long way, but I think it’d be shame to deprive him of one of those things because you think you’re not worth it.  Besides, I highly doubt Keith sees it the same way.”

“I’m pretty sure he hates me right now.”

* * *

 

Keith held Hunk’s phone hostage for a few nights, battling between calling and not, and in the end, he chose the latter, but after returning the phone to its owner, he decided that maybe he shouldn’t have a phone for a while. He can’t see much use of it now when the only person he wants to talk to is the person he wants to yell at the most. Besides, Hunk and Pidge don’t need a group chat to share memes with him. They’ll do it anyway. But his lack of phone at this current time present a problem – he can’t talk to Shiro, which is how he finds himself in Matt’s bedroom, which he can’t even tell apart from Pidge’s. For people who praise color coding and organization, they sure have the messiest room Keith had ever seen.

“What’s this I hear about you refusing to have a phone?” Shiro asks over speaker phone.

“I don’t need one.”

“Keith, how are we gonna communicate -”

“It’s not like you’ll be there for a month, you’re coming back. You wouldn’t just leave without ever talking to us again.” Keith knows he’s said something weird when Matt and Shiro both stop talking and Matt is looking at him.

“Is that what this is about?” Shiro asks hesitantly.

“No!” And maybe he could continue to deny it if it wasn’t for Matt’s silent, knowing and judging looks. “Okay, yeah, maybe. And don’t tell me to call him. I did call him. I left him messages and voicemails. If he wants to talk, he can call.”

“How can he call if you don’t have a phone, Keith,” Matt not so much asked as pointed out.

“Matt, can I speak with Keith alone?”

“What, why!” Matt whined, having abandoning the raspberry pi he was soldering to listen to the juicy details Keith’s love life, which is only interesting since he had never seen Keith in a relationship before, much less petty and childish. “This is my room, you know. And my phone. Come on, let me stay. Keith, you want me to stay, right buddy? I can help you through your love life, you know. Not to brag, but I’m quite a hit with alien babes.”

“Matt, literally, no.”

“Shiro, let the man speak for himself. Come on, Keith. I have wisdom to share. Looooove wisdom.”

What compelled Keith to say yes was beyond him because Matt's 'love wisdom' mostly consisted of terrible ideas and sexual innuendos.  “Matt can stay, Shiro. It’s okay.”

“Fine, look, this thing with you and Lance, when he comes back, are you-“

“Did he say that?”

“Say what?”

“Did he say he was coming back?”

“Wait, why are we worried about Lance coming back? Does he not want to come back?”

Shiro groaned. “This is why I wanted to talk to you alone. It wasn’t our business to share, no offense Matt.”

“None taken.”

“Look, if Lance comes back-”

And Keith understood. He did, really, but he was also angry. Angry and sad. “Stop. I know he’s not coming back…” and he didn’t need to finish because everyone there new what he left unsaid. _They never come back._

“Your mom did. I did.”

“My mom didn’t come back, Shiro,” he spat vehemently, “I went out looking for her. And the last time you left, you died. No one comes back.” Keith could feel his eyes glowing and his fangs coming in. “That’s why he keeps calling right? He wants to tell me instead of sending a text cause it’s more dignified or something -”

“Keith, that’s not why-”

“and he doesn’t believe he and I could make it so he keeps pushing me away. He thinks all I do is hurt him right? Because I keep leaving-“

“Lance just wants-”

“and all I would keep doing is leaving. I get it, I’m the fucking problem. Aren’t I always?”

“That’s not what Lance said-”

And that was the breaking point. “' _what Lance said’ ?_ So he talks to you but he can’t talk to me? Glad to know he’s doing fucking great. Send him my regards.”

“Keith-” but Keith hung up before Shiro could finish it, unaware that his hands had turned into claws and accidentally destroying Matt’s phone. The two stayed still, letting the atmosphere settle before either made a move, the younger’s heavy panting keeping them from complete silence. Matt is stunned. It’s been a long time since he’s been afraid of the Galra, but he still has nightmares sometimes; however, when he looks at Keith in his Galran form, all he’s compelled to do is hug him. And all Keith wants to do is cry, but his tear ducts for some reason are less active when he’s transforming, so he just dry sobs as Matt turns him around and hugs him.

“You’re not the problem. You have never been a problem, okay.”

“I can’t have one fucking normal relationship with anyone.”

Matt chuckled, “I would hardly call a relationship between two pilots of a giant mechanical space lion normal. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with not normal and there sure as fuck is nothing wrong with you, okay?”

“Yeah, thanks Matt.”

“No problem, just don’t get snot on my shirt. It’s my favorite.”

“Too late,” Keith replied, making a point to blow his nose on the shirt. Matt just smirked, before taking his shirt off and rubbing it on the blade’s face.

“You lil shit, that was from the space mall!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a couple of gays having mental breakdowns.
> 
>  
> 
> also, poor shiro getting interrupted like 50 times - LET HIM FINISH A SENTENCE FFS.
> 
> I almost called this chapter the omega shield pt.2. can u imagine 
> 
> leave a comment, make my day :)


	19. half & half

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> where's lance?

Shiro was staring at his phone when Lance, Luis, and Veronica joined him.

“Are you ready?” Veronica asked, jiggling her car keys.  Shiro nodded, pocketing his phone. The McClain siblings learned that Shiro had never been to Disney or Universal, and well… they couldn’t have that. So after some last-minute planning, the siblings convinced their parents to go for an entire weekend. The GroupOn coupon for a hotel for two nights helped.

“Yeah. Yeah sorry, I’m ready. Let’s go!” The McClain siblings whooped their way to the car, having left the earliest. Their parents would follow after work.

The trip was normally around four hours but with Veronica behind the wheel, they made it in three but with full bladders.

“I told you guys to go before we left,” Veronica scoffed, pulling up to drop the three off at the main entrance, watching them race for the restroom in the hotel as she drove off to find parking. They find Veronica at the front desk, giving them their reservation numbers, when Shiro pulls Lance aside.

“What is it?”

“I should probably get my own room.”

“Don’t worry, Veronica only snores when she’s exhausted.”

“No, Lance, really. I should get my own room.”

“Shiro, we didn’t get GroupOns so that you can sleep in a different room. Look, I know we’re a lot, but there’s no way you’re getting rid of us, come on.”

“No, Lance, I have nightmares. I’d just wake you guys up-“

“Then you and I can share a room.”

“or worse, hurt you. Are you listening?”

“Shiro, it’s okay.”

“Lance, you don’t understand. I can’t share a room with anyone-“

“Shiro.” Lance’s once soft blue eyes turned hard steel for a split second, enough for Shiro to swallow his arguments down. Back to their soft blues, the red paladin smiles comfortingly, “It’s okay.” He turned over his shoulder and called to Veronica. “Hey, V. Me and Shiro will get a different room.”

“Hear that, Luis. We get our own beds!”

Luis guffawed, protests muffled by the Kit Kat in his mouth “Don weef me wif her.”

“I’ll give you my headphones,” Lance offered, laughing.

 

 

After having getting settled in their respective rooms, they went through the obligatory hotel room sweep. Throwing all their stuff by the door and calling the dibs of the bounciest beds.

“So nightmares?” Lance asked, warily.

“It was worse before, you know, with the Galra arm. I was on edge and scared thinking that anytime I wasn’t in control, it could just take over. It’s a huge weight off knowing this isn’t made out of any weaponizable material,” the other replied, raising his prosthetic arm up. Lance considered telling Shiro about his own nightmares, but after having told him about the Omega Shield stuff… well, he didn’t want to give Shiro more ammo to shoot his pride with. “And after being pulled out of the astral plane… it’s less, but it’s not gone.”

“Are you really worried about attacking me in your sleep?”

“A little, but better you than your siblings. You and I have sparred a lot and you’ve beaten me more than once-”

“Seventeen.”

Shiro raised an eyebrow, slightly amused. “I wasn’t aware we were counting.”

Lance smirked. “It’s not a competition, but I’m pretty sure I’m beating Keith.”

“So, do you just purposely bring Keith up in every conversation or does it just happens?”

Lance sputtered a response but Shiro just smiled smugly. “Y-you didn’t really um have to you know call me out like that, jeez. Let’s go hang hit up Disney. I wanna try the Bigfoot-Yeti-Sasquatch mountain thing.”

“Yeah okay.”

 

They spend approximately nine hours in Animal Kingdom Shiro, as it turns out, is a big fan of roller coasters. It’s the closest thrill to piloting the lions except without the responsibility of having to maneuver them and he is absolutely exhilarated by it. Lance had never seen him so excited, and yet Shiro still couldn’t keep up with the McClain siblings, which is by the end of the night, Lance and Shiro find themselves sitting down somewhere in Discovery Island while Veronica and Luis left to buy some snacks and water.

Shiro wants to rub his feet until the soreness goes away but he knows once he takes his shoes off,  he’s not going to want to put it back on. So sitting on something where he can swing his legs is the second best option, until he gets back to the hotel room and he can soak his feet in ice but for now, this will do. He looks to his right to check on Lance, who’s been leaning rather than sitting, eyes focused even in the extremely dim lighting. Shiro follows his gaze towards an older couple, maybe in their mid 30s or 40s. They’re both have Mickey Mouse ears but while one is wearing the hat, the other has his around his neck. The shorter of the two is leaning his head on the other’s shoulder and the only thing that distracts Shiro is the glint of their wedding bands. “You think it must have been easy for them to get to where they were now, but it must have taken a lot.”

“You were close to that, weren’t you?” 

Pre-paladin him would have been looking at girls. Pre-paladin him was young and naïve and stupid and post-paladin him was jealous. Jealous that he didn’t feel the mortality or the pain or the anxiety that he does now. Jealous the he didn’t see a happy, gay couple in public and not feel like it was so far away from him.

“Yeah. Yeah, I was.” Shiro finds himself almost as captivated as Lance is. It was like watching someone have his life, but it wasn’t his. He had given it up.

“This is my first time seeing a gay, married couple out in public. Since I’ve been back I mean. In space, it doesn’t really matter since gender doesn’t even exist up there. It’s kind of weird…. A good weird, though.” Pre-paladin him would have been looking at girls. Pre-paladin him was young and naïve and stupid and post-paladin him was jealous of pre-paladin him. Jealous that he didn’t feel the mortality or the pain or the anxiety that he does now. Jealous the he didn’t see a happy couple in public and feel like it was so far away from him. _Ev_ _en thought it's not really,_ he tells himself.  _It's a phone call away._ But he doesn't do anything but stare as the couple walks through the park. 

He and Shiro spend the time it takes for Veronica and Luis to return watching the couple as they disappeared and even then, they stared at their direction until Lance’s siblings snapped them out of it. Upon reaching their rooms, Shiro grabbed the complementary ice bucket and left to find an ice machine. Lance plopped down on his bed, still thinking about the married couple and how happy they looked, not the kind of smile happy but the content kind, the kind that feels forever, the kind that feels free.

When Shiro returns with his bucket full of ice, Lance joins him in the bathroom and watches as he grabs the empty trash bin, dumps the ice in, and fills it with water. He sits on the edge of the tub before sinking his feet with a satisfying _ahh_.

“Hey, Shiro, how’d you come out to your parents?”

Shiro turns to look over his shoulder to look at the paladin. “Ummm, well, I don’t want to tell you it was easy because I was really anxious about it. I mean I know they love me, and parents always say its unconditional, but you never know to what extent so I made a plan: I’d do it after dinner, that way, if things went bad, we could just go to sleep and cool off until the morning and I had a bag ready and a place to sleepover in case they kicked me out.”

“Did they?”

Shiro chuckled, “No. They asked if I had a boyfriend.”

“Adam?”

“Ah, no. This was before the garrison, but I did have one for about five months at the time. They got quiet, wouldn’t talk to me or look at me, then we just went to bed like nothing happened. The next morning they acted the same but they said they wanted to meet him.”

Lance waited for Shiro to tell the rest but when he didn’t speak again, he asked, “That’s it?”

“Yeah?”

“No, like ‘I love you for who you are’ speech or like a hug or anything?”

Shiro shrugged. “No, just a ‘we want to meet your boyfriend.’ It’s okay, honestly, I’m glad nothing changed. They didn’t treat me any differently, they didn’t act any differently, and that’s all you could really hope for.”

“I guess.”

Shiro narrows his eyes softly at the paladin. It’s not a hard line to draw from dot to dot; he’s clearly considering telling his own parents. Shiro had done the same thing, going through forums of how people’s parents reacted. He hadn’t been looking for comfort or encouraged or discouragement per se, just wanted to know what he to expect, but there were plenty there along with advice and hotline numbers and websites to find shelters and safehouses near you. Shiro is glad that he didn’t need to use that information, didn’t need to use his getaway bag, didn’t need to use his back up plans. He hopes neither does Lance because while his family is warm and loving, that is no guarantee. “If you want a hug, I’ll be here.”

Lance laughs, “That’s – that’s actually, yeah, I’d like that. Thanks.”

* * *

 

The elevator down to meet his parents for dinner keeps Lance anxious. He’s got nothing to be afraid of, he convinces himself. Or, well, tries to. His parents love him and he knows this. Sure he’s never tested the lengths of their love, has never pushed it but it doesn’t mean that it was shallow. They love him, this is just something more about him to love if anything. Besides, why would anyone be against being bisexual, I mean if anything, he’s less discriminatory with his love isn’t he? This is something to be celebrated. His parents will commend him. Lance has finally learned to share things, and sure it isn’t his Legos and it isn’t with Kyle from kindergarten, but his love is better than Legos, arguable more sturdy. It’s no ABS but his organ is strong as fuck. He’s survived this long hasn’t he? It’ll be okay.

They eat at a Korean restaurant because Veronica praises it and is in the mood for some kimchi. In her time in Orlando, she has successfully devised a catalog of the best restaurants depending on taste, price, and atmosphere and has successfully managed to befriend some of the servers, if only to get free left-over food that’s going to be thrown away anyway. That’s how they find themselves with to-go boxes of seafood pancake.

They start parting at the parking lot with Shiro, Luis, and Veronica going in one direction and his parents in another. Lance thinks this is the best time he’s going to get tonight. He can tell his parents here, and if things go south ( _which they wont_ ) so he pulls Veronica aside, telling her that he’s going to talk with their parents before leaving. She just shrugs and warns him that if he’s not in the car in five minutes, she’s not waiting for him. Lance is surprised when he’s relieved by the answer. It gives him less time to avoid talking about it, less time to chicken out. Less time. Less time. Less –

“Lance, you wanna ride back with us?” his dad asks, hands wrapping around his shoulders. The paladin nervously rubs his arm, chuckling his nerves away.

“Um, actually, I wanted to ask you, well no, that’s wrong, tell you something. I wanted to tell you something. About me. I’m just really nervous because I know you guys love me and I don’t want this to change anything, not like I’m doubting your love or whatever but sometimes you never really know, you know?”

Both his parents are looking at him now, worry deep in the creases of their wrinkles. “Lance, mijo, what is it?”

 _Patience yields focus._ Nothing about this moment requires patience and he’s already focused but the words bring comfort and familiarity. “I’m bi…sexual. It, uh, it means that I like guys and girls and um, well there is a guy. Kinda. I mean yeah, he exists. There’s a guy. He’s half, um, half…”

“Guy?”

“Yeah, wait no, he’s full guy, I’m pretty sure. I mean I’ve never seen his – okay wait. No. Nope. Hard no. That’s not what I was trying to say. It’s not a half-guy, half-girl kind of thing. That’s not why I said I was bi, and I’m not bi because I like him. I think it works the other way around? I’m not entirely sure, but that’s not what I was trying to say. What I was trying to say is that he’s half-human, half-alien. But um, yeah, I’m bi.” Lance doesn’t realize he’s been wringing his hands until his dad grabs them and holds them in his. Even after all this time, his father’s hands still grossly outmatch his in size, but it’s nice and warm and it calms him down almost immediately.

“Mijo, we lost you for so long. You were gone for so long. Did you really think we would let you go just because you like guys?”

“Even if you hadn’t gone to space, it wouldn’t change anything. You’re still our beautiful Lance.”

“I know that. I-I don’t know why I was so worried cause I knew that. I did. I –” Lance chuckles but it turns into crying and before he could wipe it away, he’s engulfed in his parents arms and their shoulders catch his tears so he lets himself cry. “I love you guys.”

“ So about your half-alien, half-human boyfriend…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> out of the closet. WOOOOOoooooo 
> 
>  
> 
> this was short, sorry. hopefully i'll be able to update next week since its thanksgiving break!!! woot woot. 
> 
> also, I stopped twd. I was on s7 and i knew glenn was gonna die in s7 and it was cause of negan so when they left s6 off of someone dying and didn't reveal it, i was so prepared for it to be glenn BUT THEN IT WASN'T. and it created a fall sense of security (those fuckers man, how dare they) but then daryl did that thing and then GLENNN FUCKIN DIED AND IT WAS SO GRAPHIC and i just... ugh, i needed a break so I stopped watching it but i'm gonna start during thanksgiving break. 
> 
>  
> 
> also also, i restarted voltron :) theres this episode where allura and shiro sneak into a galra base but they're caught and they're running away and allura has this gun but she doesn't use it properly and shiro shames her and idk why it was so funny cause he was like, "I thought you travelled the universe, how did you not know it was bakcwards???"
> 
> happy sunday guys, i rejoined pokemon go too wooooo


	20. Cry Me A River or Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who keeps making them cry?
> 
>  
> 
> oh wait, it's me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol who's still here

Lance shouldn’t have mentioned Keith. Really, he shouldn’t have, which is why he had made a smooth, hasty getaway with his sister’s car, muttering “drivedrivedrive” as if they all weren’t headed to the same hotel. Maybe, if he’s lucky (not that he needs to be, Veronica is driving), he’ll get there before their parents and he can just run up to his room and not have to answer questions about his extraterrestrial, maybe boyfriend. It would have been a cleanly executed plan except Shiro has their room key and Shiro wasn’t running away from his parents so he took his sweet ass time arriving at their door.

“I really shouldn’t have said anything, honesty, what was I thinking?! This wasn’t about Keith, why did I even bring him up? For all I know, we’re not even together anymore. What the fuck was I thinking… ‘ _there’s a guy’_ God what a load of bullquiznak.”

“Lance, that doesn’t even make sense.”

“Shiro, we’re both fucking gay, let my vocabulary be just as colorful. They called him my boyfriend.”

“Isn’t he though?”

“I hope so.”

 

Their Disney weekend was nothing short of amazing, for Shiro at the very least, and maybe he’s biased but Space Mountain was the best ride ever.

“Spoken like an astronaut,” Lance scoffed. Unfortunately, the night they arrived back home would be Shiro’s last night here before his returning flight the following morning, which left very little time for additional bonding moments. The realization of this lead to an impromptu sleep over. Well, technically, it’s always been a sleepover but Shiro would be sleeping in his room instead to the Luis’ and they’re definitely going to be playing video games all night. Lance has never seen Shiro play but he’s logged in his hours in Killbot Phantasm and has held the top slot every time until Pidge knocked him down a peg or two.

It was after their seventh round, when Shiro cast aside his controller. “What? You tired, old man?” Lance teased, nudging the other in the ribs.

“Yeah.”

“Whoa, you didn’t even deny the old man part!”

Shiro yawned, stretching his one arms over his head. “I’m owning it. I can’t wait for the retirement life and a shit ton of napping.  I think I’ve got one game left in me though. Let me just get some water. You want anything?” Lance shook his head and checked on his phone as Shiro went downstairs.

Shiro had been gone for thirty minutes, and the guy may look old but in no way has he ever been slow. Lance braved the comfort of his blanket and ventured downstairs but from the top of the staircase, he could hear his parents and Shiro talking.

“ – shouldn’t go. I don’t want another one of my kids risking his life for some war and coming back worse.” Lance can hear the desperation in his mom’s voice, nothing short of heartbreaking, like she was begging for his life or something and maybe she was, but she was begging to the wrong person. Shiro had no say in this decision. _His decision._

“I understand that you’re worried. It’s dangerous, but it wasn’t just some war, Mrs. McClain, and Lance has been an invaluable asset to the team and to the war. I don’t think we would have survived this long without him. There were a lot of things that happened, and I’m sure he isn’t the same person from before he left-“

“He didn’t leave. I know my son. He doesn’t leave without saying goodbye – ever. He was taken from us, and I’m not blaming you or your friends, but he has never just left,” she said sharply, angrily. Tones he’s only had  directed towards him once of twice. He and his siblings knew they were in deep shit when they heard that tone in her voice, that hey had somehow fucked something up and it took a lot to piss his mama off. God knows they were hardly saints as children. It’s a miracle, she didn’t ground them as often as she should really have. Honestly, they were the embodiment of the devil in three little bodies, and Marco only got in trouble because of them. It must have really sucked for him being the eldest and responsible for him, Veronica, and Luis, but even he wasn’t safe from the razor sharp tone of fury than had them paralyzed and speechless. Lance wondered whether Shiro would submit to the tone as they had.

“I’m sorry, it wasn’t my intention to imply anything Mrs. McClain. I just… Lance may not have wanted to leave and maybe he didn’t want to be there, but he is important to us, to the team, and to the universe. He has saved so many lives and civilizations, he’s saved me and the other paladins, and he’s saved the universe more than once.” Shiro paused, and Lance wished he could move forward, down the steps, and hug his mom and maybe spare Shiro from the rest of this conversation, but he couldn’t will his legs to move. He silently apologized to Shiro because really, _he_ should be down there, _he_ should be the one talking to his mama, _he_ should be the one she’s angry towards. “Voltron isn’t just about any one individual, we don’t force our paladins to stay. They’re free to leave, Lance wouldn’t be the first nor the last, and I sure as hell can’t tell Lance that he has to come back to us, that he can’t just leave Voltron. _I wouldn’t_. Everyone knows how much he’s missed you and your family, Mrs. McClain, and no one would hold it against him if he chose to stay, but that’s ultimately his decision.”

The sound of his mom crying had Lance walking back to his room. He didn’t want to listen to his mama cry. He didn’t was imagine it. He didn’t want to think about it. So, he did the best thing he could – he went to sleep – because nightmares would be better than that. 

 

 

Shiro left the following morning. He didn’t tell Lance about his conversation with his mom and Lance hadn’t asked about it. When they dropped Shiro off at the airport, Lance watched his mom, surprisingly, hug Shiro. He was happy that she at least didn’t blame Shiro for anything,, because honestly, it wasn’t Shiro’s fault. Shiro didn’t force Lance to rescue him when he crashed on earth, didn’t force him to aboard Keith’s hovercraft to the abandoned shack Keith called a home, didn’t force him to join them in their search for what ended up being the blue lion. Sure, he wasn’t really given the chance to go back home when he had wanted to once they were in space, but he was only in space because those had all been Lance’s decisions. They were consequence of his choices, none of which Shiro had influenced at the time. And Lance wishes he could tell Shiro that, maybe absolve him from any responsibility for Lance, but he settled with a tight, warm, goodbye hug.

“Goodbye seems a little serious, don’t you think?” Shiro said, smiling as he pulled away.

“See you later, then.”

Shiro nodded and picked Lance’s phone from his jacket pocket, placing it firmly in the Cuban’s hands. “Communication is a two-way street Lance. Learn to use it.” The former black paladin was only rewarded with a roll of the eyes and affirmation that _yes, Shiro. I will use the phone._

Lance wouldn’t say he didn’t like having Shiro around, but he felt lighter once he had left, like he could be lazy now, which he did.

* * *

Keith wasn’t allowed to pick Shiro up because 1) he didn’t have a license and 2) well, Keith was just a shitty driver. Give the guy a lion or a hovercraft or a spaceship, sure, but the moment he’s got his hands on the wheel of an SUV, then all of a sudden he was Mr. Road Rage weaving back and forth from different lanes, cutting people off, and tailing too close. He was a bit of a safety hazard, honestly. Hunk and Matt made a pretty good argument, but it didn’t matter because Keith didn’t even want to go. He didn’t want to hear about how great Lance was doing, he didn’t want to know about all the fun times they had, didn’t want to know about how great and nice and warm his family was, he didn’t want to know a single thing. Besides, not all of them could fit in the car, so no one made a fuss about him staying. Instead, Keith had decided to wash Black.

If there was one big difference between the red and the black lion, it would be that the red lion was a major dick. Really, who lets their paladins almost die as a test of courage or whatever? How was dying going to make Red accept him? Did that mean that all red paladins had martyr complex? Was that the point she was trying to make? Don’t get him wrong, Keith loved Red, almost in the same way he liked Shiro in that he trusts her, but he’s not afraid to point out her flaws. There were some days he misses her, the rush of flying her, her enabling his impulsiveness. Honestly, they were maybe a bad combination because every terrible ( _ahem, you mean **great**_ ) idea he has ever had, she had always encouraged him. And Black may be the head of Voltron, but when it came to speed, Red had him beat every time. So, even though Red was a dick, Keith did sometimes miss her. But hey, at least Black never teased him about his crush on Lance.

Something about cleaning his lion and just being around each other alone was therapeutic. Usually, the hangars provided that kind of privacy, but with the castle gone... When he finished cleaning Black, he feels lighter. Lance had inspired all of them to take time to pamper their lions after Shiro had caught him with a bucket of sudsy water, a towel, and an Altean bottle from Coran that shined metal. Apart from beating up training bots, spending time with his lion actually calmed him ( _t_ _herapeutic, rememeber?_ ). Shiro had said it was probably better than he cleans his lion than overwork his body until one of the bots eventually beats him, not that Keith listened seeing as he most often opted for the latter than the former. But like training, Keith made it an entire day's worth of work. He would clean the interior, check the mechanical functions inside, work out some kinks in the wirings, wash and wax the exterior, grease the mechanical parts outside, and buff the surface. He was almost always dirty by the end of the day, but still, treatment days were good for both him and his lion and he always felt clearer afterwards. 

The cleaning helped. Keith is soaked in water by the end because his lion thought its paladin could also use some cleaning. They both dried in the sun, the blade practically sun bathing on the metal surface of his lion, too lazy to head back home and take a proper shower. This is how Shiro found him.

"Are you in a better mood?" Shiro asked, hovering over a tired and slightly red-all-over Keith. The sun had just began to set, painting Shiro in a golden hue and really, that shouldn't be allowed. 

"Yeah. How was your vacation?" 

"I bought you something," he said, pulling out a green headband with three yes at the center, pointed ears at either side, and antenna at the center. Before Keith could even move, the headband is place on his head and he glared unamused and the white-hared 6 year old who's laughing at his expense. "Hold on, hold on." Said toddler pulls out his photo to take a photo, and Keith, for whatever reason lets him. 

"Jokes on you, I _love_ the aliens from Toy Story and I'm keeping this," but he doubts Shiro can hear him over his laughter.

When the former paladin regains his breath and his sanity, he sits besides the blade. "It was Lance's idea. I was just gonna buy you a Woody shirt but this was worth it. Plus it was cheaper. Disney is expensive, it's too bad we don't get paid for saving the universe or anything."

"You wanna get paid to save the universe?" Keith asks skeptically.

Shrugging, the older replies, "Look, I'm just saying it'd be nice to have extra pocket money for, say, a Buzz Lightyear onesie. Instead, I got this shirt." Shiro unzips his jacket to reveal a black t-shirt of Buzz Lightyear in its original box. "It glows in the dark, though!"

"I forgot how much you love Buzz Lightyear."

"Listen, Keith, I'm not saying I wouldn't have become an astronaut without Buzz, but I wouldn't have become an astronaut with Buzz."

"Yeah, all the good that's done you." Keith begins counting off his fingers, "You lost your arm, your life, your hair, your sanity, and Ad-" but Keith stops himself because he can finish. Shiro looks ahead at the sun, and the blade wants to chastise him because he doesn't want Shiro to lose his eyesight next, but he keeps quiet.

"I still have you though, don't I?" Shiro turns to him, smiling  and it's a mixture of hope and despair. "I have lost a lot, and there's a lot of times when it feels like I'm losing myself too, like the universe just keeps on taking and taking and taking and I... I feel like I have nothing left to give." Shiro's voice wavers and the blade wonders how often he hears the voice of the garrison's pride and joy waver, and it's not often. His breath is shaky but he's able to take a deep breath before continuing, "but then I think about how you spent most of your life saving me again and again and I still have a lot. I still have so much that could be taken from me, so I'm gonna fight to keep them, to keep you, because you keep me from losing myself." Shiro has always been a naturally hopeful, confident person. Keith misses that Shiro, but he also likes this Shiro, the one that gets up everyday even when he doesn't want to. The one that checks on Keith even though he doesn't need to. The one that gives them so much even when he doesn't have much to give. It's not these specific acts that Keith likes because he thinks Shiro could stand to be a little more selfish ( _okay, a lot more. a whole lot more_ ), it's that Shiro hasn't given up even when he feels like it and these things he does even when he doesn't need to is proof. Keith knows. Keith knows about loss. Keith knows about losing. Keith used to lose all the time. All. The. Goddamn. Time. And he knows about giving up. He's been less kind to himself than Shiro could ever be because while Shiro sacrifices so much of himself, he has always done so for the sake of other people. Keith had attempted to sacrifice himself to ease his pain in some way - in any way - because losing? It hurts. It sucks and it hurts and it felt like he'd always just keep losing. Having Shiro in his life felt like winning for once, and he doesn't regret the choices he's made to get to where they are now. But he regrets that Shiro lost the person that felt like home to him because even though Shiro never says his name anymore, never talks about him, Keith can tell that he thinks about Adam. 

"Why won't you talk about him?" It's a whisper and he thinks that maybe Shiro didn't hear him until he sees the tears falling onto the the black surface of their lion. 

"Because then it's real, right? I can't just pretend that he's out there, living his life without me. That maybe he found someone who loves him more than I did. Someone who would stay for him. Someone who wouldn't have left so recklessly. I should have at least told him I love him. He - he just wanted to have more time with me, to have whatever time I had left to be together and I... God, I just abandoned him."

The blade doesn't hesitate wrapping his arms around him. "You didn't abandon him. You chose yourself, and there's nothing wrong with choosing yourself. You should do it more often, you know? Be greedy and selfish." 

"Keith, he doesn't know how much I love him." Shiro tucks his head into the arm around him, sobbing - raw, unadulterate sobbing, and Keith is right there along with him, wants to cry because Adam had been there for him too, and now neither of them could ever say goodbye, but he wills the tears back because this is about Shiro. This is for Shiro. 

Shiro cries long past the sunset and when the hiccups and dry heaving has passed, he lets go of Keith's hand. "He left a note with my parents. A couple of months after we left for Kerberos. A love letter, can you believe it?" he half-chuckles, half-hiccups. "I leave before our wedding and he send me his vows, and signs it 'I do. Adam.'" He's crying again, but it's quieter. The kind that feels too much so you have to let it out slowly, quietly like evening your breath after running. "That asshole." 

Keith smiles, rubbing Shiro's back. "I think he'd say that same about you." 

Shiro laughs, "He would. God, I miss him." 

* * *

Luis wouldn’t call himself nosey. Veronica might, though. And maybe Marco. And Lance. And okay, his parents too, but that is beside the point. The point being that Luis had not purposefully gone into Lance’s phone and read through all his messages. It just happened. Lance had left his phone on the kitchen counter while out on his run and it was lighting up every five seconds. Luis had only meant to put it on silent or something but then he saw messages from a group chat titled “the P to ur V” and well, okay, so maybe he was nosey but Lance didn’t talk anymore about Voltron or the other paladins after his first day back. He only talked about space and the different planets and aliens he’d met, but he spent so long up there with a specific group of people and all Luis knows is who basically pilots which lions, so _fiiiiiine_ he was nosey.

“Fuck it,” he whispered to himself, reading through all the chats. _I guess Lance doesn’t read any of this_ , he thought, noticing how he hadn’t once texted anything in the chat. He scrolled to the top of the group chat to learn that Pidge is younger than him and could probably undeniably kick his ass and this was valuable information because if Luis ever meets the paladins, it’s almost guaranteed that he’d say something stupid and apparently, Pidge isn’t someone you would want to piss off. _But she did have the best meme moments._ A close second was a tie between Hunk and Shiro. Luis laughed at the thought. _Shiro. SHIRO! A memer! Amazing. Is there anything he can’t do?_ He knew Hunk and after their Disney trip and with Lance’s Shiro phase, he also basically knew Shiro. Who Luis didn’t know was Keith and Allura.

Allura was often referred to as Princess only by Shiro in the chat, and if Luis hadn’t already known Shiro was gay ( _thank you Lance for your stalker-status fan phase_ ), he would have definitely assumed that they were dating or on the verge of. She seemed very proper - punctuated her sentences properly and always wrote with perfect English grammar, which is amazing considering she was an alien. Meanwhile, Luis had a C in English. In his defense, English was his second language. She at least seemed nice… and very pretty. Why Lance never talks about her more is a mystery to him because normally, Lance could never shut up about a girl.

Keith ( _why does that sound familiar_ ) talked the least in the chat. Pidge called him emo and moody. He apparently is the team leader. He also owned a space wolf, which by Luis’ standards meant that he was probably the coolest. Sure, Lance had a space cow but it was an earth cow he found in space, it wasn’t a _space_ cow, but Keith had a _space_ wolf! And the best part – get this – **it fucking teleports.** But none of this information matters because it’s completely overshadowed by the fact that Keith is harassing Lance?

Luis held the phone steady in his hands. It can’t be anything else, looking at the texts, sure it could be read from a place of friendship and strictly friendship, but you have to read it subtextually. Clearly, Keith liked Lance. He has to for sending these many messages when he barely said squat in the chat. And clearly it made Lance uncomfortable because he ignored all the messages and Lance wouldn’t just ignore an invitation to flirt. _Or maybe he would?_ Luis is reminded that the brother he had before isn’t the same one. This Lance had gone to space, had killed, had almost been killed, and maybe this Lance doesn’t flirt anymore. And maybe this Lance doesn’t stand up to himself because pre-space Lance wouldn’t hesitate to put Keith in his spot if he made him uncomfortable. Lance has always stood up for himself against bullies, had stood up for Veronica (not that she particularly needed it), had stood up for Luis, he wouldn’t just let this _Keith guy_ harass him. Luis decides that he doesn’t like him. Fuck Keith, man.

Luis moves on to other unread messages like Coran’s (which mostly consist of observation notes and ‘my boy’ tacked on the end) and Allura’s (updates on the red lion with photographic evidence of her cleaning it) and Matt. Matt mostly sent memes and embarrassing photos of Pidge, which were pretty funny, but it’s the most recent message that Luis is stuck on:

 

           hey are you coming back?

 

 _Go back?_ Was Lance really considering going back to space? He just got here. Did he not miss them enough that he'd want to go back to space so soon? Luis couldn’t comprehend it. How could Lance even want to go back? How could he just leave **again**?

“There’s nothing incriminating on that phone that you can blackmail me with,” Lance joked, toeing his shoes off.

“You’re going back?” Luis gritted, gripping the phone.

Lance looked warily at his younger brother, who was staring and holding his phone tightly, eyes glassy and face red, even though Lance had been the one running. “I don’t know yet. I haven’t-“

“How could you just go back, you just got here. Are you really gonna leave us again?”

“Luis-”

“Do you know how much it sucked? Marco was deployed. Veronica left for college. Mama and Papa were always working.” When Luis was angry or furious, his method of releasing pent up aggression came in many forms: soccer and/or violence. And there was almost  always yelling involved. This kid did not know how to be quiet to save his life, and Lance kind of liked that. Sure, it was scary when Luis yelled. He yelled with his whole body, like it was a force that propelled his voice and boy, did it, but that was better than this. Than this scary kind of calm, this angry kind of calm. Lance had never seen it on Luis and seeing it now had given him chills. “I was… And then you came back. _You came back_ , and I didn’t have to feel so alone all the time anymore, but now you’re gonna leave us again?” Luis was barely holding back his tears. Giant tears gathered at his waterline, but they never spilled over. “Do you know what it was like, having them stare at me like I was their last son?”

Lance heart broke. He hadn’t realized that things were so bad, but he had to tread with caution. His baby brother was so unpredictable when he was mad. He could be explosive or sobbing or reckless. It was a gamble – every move was a gamble, so the paladin moved forward slowly as if any sudden movement could his last and from a safe distance, he gently pulled his phone from his grip, but Luis didn’t move a muscle. He kept his eyes downcast, letting the phone be pulled form his hands. “Luis-”

 “And you know what’s worse?” The youngest McClain snapped his eyes to his older brother, glaring through the tears, face twisted in betrayal, and as he spoke, his voice gained momentum as it grew louder with each sentence. “You haven’t taken any step to at least try and get help dealing with being back from _war_. You won’t even try something as simple as writing, but you’re so ready to just start risking your life again. Even Marco wasn’t so irresponsible!” Luis shoved past Lance, putting on his shoes passive aggressively. “Do you even care about your own life,” he commented almost offhandedly before walking out the front door.

Lance let out a shuddered breath he didn’t know he was holding and, realizing he was sticky with sweat and humidity, he reminds himself: shower because what else could he do? Under the stream of hot, comforting water, his body shivers, racked with sobs, until the water turns cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> has anyone watched s8 yet? leeeeet's talk about it plssssss. 
> 
>  
> 
> meanwhile, i saw spiderverse and honestly, BEST SPIDERMOVIE, BEST MARVEL MOVIE EVER FIGHT ME (pls dont). 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> anyway, thank you for still reading this!


	21. Oil and Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> who knew that keith was easily goaded? 
> 
>  
> 
> oh wait, lance does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oil and water by rationale is such a good song.

Keith tried not to feel hurt when he sees a certain red paladin’s name light up Shiro’s phone, but like Adam had once said, ‘trying and doing are two different things, Takashi. Just call the plumber’ or something like that.  Instead, he considered his options: ignore it and not tell Shiro, tell Shiro and maybe hand him his phone (maybe), answer just to hear the first name Lance says to him in a long time be someone else’s, or he could throw the phone at the wall in a jealousy rage. Thank god for Matt because Keith was veering towards the last two options and neither would very much do him any good, but the older Holt snatched the phone from the kitchen counter, immediately picking up without checking called ID because Matt.

“Hello, Matthew Holt, space explorer and babe extraordinaire, speaking for Takashi Shi- LANCE!” Keith couldn’t really hear Lance’s voice through the tiny phone, so he fills in the blanks.

_Matt? Where’s Shiro? Why are you answering his phone??_

“I’m good! It’s good to hear from you, dude. I can’t believe you took Shiro to Disney. Did he puke?”

_Hahaha, no. Disney was amazing! Shiro and I had the best time, seriously, you should have been there!! Shiro was all like AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhHHHHHhhhhh._

“Umm, I’m not sure where he is. Keith, do you know where Shiro is?” Matt was looking at him, but Keith didn’t hear a word he’d said so he just shrugged.

_Keith’s there? Don’t tell him I’m on the phone. Can you just get Shiro?_

“Keith doesn’t know. Is it important? I could just have him call you back later.”

_No, it’s not important, I just wanted to talk to Shiro because I Like Shiro. I trust Shiro. More than Keith. Just tell him I called._  Keith shook his head, Lance would never say that. This was a stupid idea. Why did he do this? He needed to leave, so he got up from his seat, “I’ll go find him.”

“Oh! Keith is gonna go find him. So, what’s this about you leaving Voltron? No, no. They didn’t tell me, I was eavesdropping. Well, hey, at least…”

Twelve days. It’s been twelve days since Lance’s last call to Keith… Well, when Keith had a phone. He still hadn’t gotten it replaced but that’s okay. Lance must have given up at this point, then they’d be more or less back to where they first started when they’d rescued Shiro and were first trying to figure out Voltron. He tries to imagine leading without Lance, tries to imagine someone else in Red, someone else calling him out on his bad decisions and telling him its okay, we can fix it, someone else’s hand on his shoulder after he’s had a bad day, someone else saying ‘we make a great team’ – just someone else, but really there isn’t anyone else. If it’s going to work without Lance, Shiro would have to be back in Black and Keith would have to go back to Red, which isn’t all that bad, but he’ll probably just be thinking of Lance half the time. Lance laughing in it. Lance flying in it. Lance joking with Hunk in it. Lance fighting with Keith over in it. Lance probably flirting with Allura in it. Lance dying in it. Yeah, he’ll probably be thinking of Lance half the time.  Maybe Keith should also leave, rejoin the blades or something because there’s no way this is going to work without Lance.

_No, no. Shut up, Keith. Come on, you gotta make this work. They’re your family. You already left them once…_

Keith convinces himself he can make it without Lance. He’ll lead Voltron, he’ll go back to Red, he’ll do whatever he needs – he’ll make it work. He has to.

 

 

Shiro was talking to Krolia when Keith eventually tracked him down, but as he neared, the two quieted down.  “Um, Matt wants you. He’s in the kitchen.”

“Okay, tell him I’ll be there in a bit.”

“It’s important, he really needs you.” Keith doesn’t miss the last glance between the older two before Shiro sighs and nods.

“Okay, we can discuss it later, Krolia,” he says before leaving.

Keith and Krolia watch him leave in silence, and normally Keith wouldn’t feel the need to know whatever private thing they were discussing, but maybe it is Pidge’s and Matt’s ridiculous and contagious need of knowing everything that has Keith turning to his mom and asking, “What discussion?”

“I just got a message from Kolivan. There’s a Galra base near this solar system containing the data of prisons and prisoners. I’m the closest so he wants me to get the intel.”

Keith smiles because he’s not blind, he can tell that Krolia doesn’t want to leave but the Blade is important, and they’ve never executed unnecessary missions. This was clearly important, knowing where the prisons are could help the rebels coordinate attacks in freeing prisoners. “It’s fine, mom. If you need to go, it’s fine. I promise.”

“It’s not just going to the base, Keith. I’ll be required to go to headquarters to deliver the information. They’ll be other missions I’ll be sent on once I’m there. I – I don’t know when I’d see you again.”

“Mom, it’s okay. I know that missions are important and – ” but before Keith could continue, her hands were on his cheeks, squishing but still comforting.

“Keith, you are more important than any mission. If you want me to stay, I’ll stay,” and her eyes show nothing but resolve.

“Mom, it’s really okay. I promise. It’s not like we can never talk, we have the phones the Holts’ gave us. We’ll be okay.”

Krolia smiled and pinched his cheeks, “You broke your phone remember?”

The paladin hung his head low with an exasperated sigh while his mom just laughed. “I’ll get a new one then. When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow… Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?”

In his head, Keith admits that _yes, of fucking course I want you to stay_ , but instead he said, “Oh my god, mom! Yes, it’s okay. I’ll miss you but I’ll be fine.”

They walk back towards the Holts’ where they’ve been having dinner since neither of them knew how to cook for shit (honestly, it was a miracle Keith survived in the desert by himself), Krolia’s arm around her son, she joked, “Not that you asked, but I do like Lance.”

“MOOOOoom!” he groaned, hanging his head lower.  

* * *

 Luis and Lance hadn’t spoken in nearly a week, but they had come to an unspoken agreement to fake it in front of their parents (wouldn’t want to wory them more than they already have). This rift between the two brothers left Lance with more time than he wanted. Luis started spending his free time at a friend’s house under the pretense of studying for finals, and every time he tried to talk to Luis, Lance was blatantly ignored. With Veronica staying in college for the weekend because of her finals, the paladin felt more alone now than ever.  More than being ignored and avoided by his friends in space. More than being caught by the Galra and put in solitary for a week (and boy was that fun). He would do anything to get Luis to talk to him again, but he couldn’t very well promise he wouldn’t go back to Voltron. That was still a decision he hadn’t made.

This was what he told Shiro over the phone, and while the former paladin had listened and comforted him (which helped at the time), he hadn’t offered any real solution to Lance’s dilemma. Not that it was Shiro’s mess to clean, Lance couldn’t and shouldn’t have relied on him fixing his problems. It wasn’t like Shiro could decide for him as to whether or not he should stay. So Lance avoided all his problems by not really addressing them, as he has been doing and will continue to do, thank you very much.

The couch becomes Lance’s new best friend during the day, the way it supports him in his laziness and uncomfortable napping positions is the only comfort he finds in the lonely hours of literally every day Luis ignores him. At night, it’s his bed. Luckily he can’t be ignored much in his own bedroom at night since everyone technically is asleep. One time, feeling brave and frankly _over it_ , he had stormed to Luis’ room after dinner. Approaching the door, he heard a voice not belonging to his brother, but their dad.

“-fine. It’s just a little fight.”

“You guys are ignoring each other. Your mom doesn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. Just tell me, what is it?” Lance has never heard his father’s voice so softly. Even when Marco had first been deployed, their dad had just hugged him tightly and told him to be careful and come back safely in a firm, dad-voice, almost like a command and anything less wouldn’t be tolerated – failure was not an option, and really, it couldn’t be. Would he have said the same thing in the same way if they had gotten to say goodbye before Lance was whisked away to space?

“I-he-we’re just…” Luis paused and Lance felt like he’d downed twelve Monsters because his heart was vibrating in anticipation. _Luis wouldn’t tell him, would he? Nonono, he wouldn’t. He could sometimes be a dick, sure whatever, but he’s never crossed a line. Never. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. Nope._ “Look, it’s just a fight. He won’t take care of himself and I’m mad about it okay? I don’t wanna talk about it anymore, por favor papa.”

“Luis, mijo, is this about the nightmares?”

“It’s not just about the nightmares! I’m not a psychologist, I-I know that, but anyone could tell he’s got PTSD! I mean, he’s acting exactly like Marco did when he came back from his first tour, you know?!” Luis’ whisper-shouting teetered on the edge of actual shouting. “I-I-I just,” and as if all the tension deflated inside of him, he whispered brokenly, “ _No quiero perderlos, papa_.” Lance didn’t need to stay to hear the rest, Luis always stopped talking when he started crying, so really there was no point unless he was feeling especially masochistic and wanted to feel a stab through his chest with every broken sob he would have heard through the door.

In his bed with his blankets bunched up at the foot of thconsidering that okay, if – IF – he had PTSD, then maybe going back to space isn’t the best thing for him because on one hand, he loves being home. Loves the nightly dinners. Loves his and Veronica’s bimonthly spa day rituals. Loves soccer practice with Luis at the park. Loves his nieces and nephews. Loves babysitting them. Loves the taste of his mama’s garlic knots. Loves his bedroom with his warm bed and his postered walls and his glow-in-the-dark stars. But on the other hand, there’s nothing on earth for him to do except be home and stay home. Sure, there are his runs and Luis’ games and babysitting his nieces and nephew and there was the beach, but he didn’t have a job. He didn’t have money. He wasn’t easily welcomed back at garrison (failed simulations, blatant disregard of the rules, insubordination blah blah blah) despite having you know – _saved the universe_. No big deal. He could go get a job. He could. Publix was hiring and nothing seemed as far from space as the timeless void that is grocery stores and its aggressively fluorescent lighting. Okay, maybe they’re too similar but the point is: Lance could _stay_. His life wouldn’t be drills and piloting and and lion-bonding and mind-melding and coalition efforts and meetings and the occasional Voltron performances and food goo and being homesick and being ignored and being made fun off and not being taken seriously and – he could stay.

But everything else down here paled in comparison to everything he’s done. He’s grown so much since the garrison. He’s helped people – _actually_ _helped_ them, _saved_ them! He’s learned so much about other cultures, learned to appreciate the differences in cultures, learned about his team, himself. He never would have imagined that he was capable of this much and he knows he can do more, more than just bagging grocery food for suburban, champagne-problematic mom. He’s Lance McClain; he takes names, kicks ass, and saves the universe. It’d be a lie to say he didn’t miss it – missed _that_ Lance McClain. Don’t get it wrong, he loved being _just Lance_. The Lance who takes his nieces and nephew out to play PokemonGo. The Lance that cheers the loudest from the bleachers at his brother’s soccer matches. The Lance that can run three times faster and longer but still kind of half-jogs through the neighborhood. The Lance that Veronica goes to when she’s stressed and needs a nice relaxing day. The Lance that his parents could rely on no matter what. The Lance who lazes around the couch and watches Scooby-Doo reruns without wondering about sudden Galra attacks and being on alert. But it just feels like anything he does now would just be lesser than what he has done– like he had reached his peak in space and then was hurdled into earth’s atmosphere and now he was burnt out but not in the way like he had crashed landed into a forest, clearing wood in a smoky trail, but in the way like he had landed in water and had felt the heat immediately doused and been sent into shock, and so maybe going back to Voltron is what he should do because as much as he loves the water, he doesn’t want it to kill the fire in him.

He falls asleep with that feeling that he’s drowning.

* * *

 

Keith eventually asked Matt for a new phone. He thought it would result in less eyebrow-waggling than asking Pidge but he should have known better.  Really, he should have known better.

“Thought you had everyone you needed right here,” Matt commented, smirking.

“Krolia’s leaving for a mission and then heading to the Blade’s headquarters,” Keith replied, feeling that he didn’t need to go into detail about how he’s going to miss her while she’s gone and he’s worried and he just wants to be able to check in with her from time to time.

“So, you’re not gonna talk to Lance?”

Pidge was next to him, rolling her eyes. “Please, Keith’s kryptonite is communication.” Keith’s eyes narrowed. He did not have problems with communication. He didn’t. Okay, maybe not with Lance, but in his defense, Lance was always a special circumstance in his life. He’s an outlier.  

“Yepyepyep, you’re right, Pidgeon. Let’s not forget he’s emotionally constipated.”

“Ha, Keith couldn’t give a shit about anyone.” Keith stretched his fingers to prevent them from balling into fists because he cared -  a lot! He could expect this from Matt, but Pidge – _Pidge?!_ – Pidge should have known. They lived together in a castle ship. They mind-melded. There’s very little you could hide from each other when you’re stuck in the same confined place with the same people, much less when you do mind-melding and you form Voltron. It’s hard to hide things about them, so Pidge should know. She should know that Keith cared, more than he has the capability of showing but he still cared. Why was she being a dick? “Bar Shiro.”

“Bar Shiro,” Matt nodded in agreement.

“You know what, fuck you guys.” Keith scowled, snatching Pidge’s laptop from her lap and booking himself a round trip ticket to Florida. “I’ll show you who’s emotionally constipated,” he muttered.

Pidge’s surprised expression matched Matt’s when they exchanged looks, mouthing, “I can’t believe that worked?”

Matt just shrugged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooo, keith has a ticket to florida. that's gonna be fun.


	22. Galaxy Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he's got this braided hair, that alien dna, those galaxy eyes - and oh my, that smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new year, new semester - NEW UPDATE.

“You did what?”

Keith threw the small amount of clothes he owned into a backpack. “You heard me. Emotionally constipated.” He scoffed. “I didn’t spend two years on a space whale to be called emotionally constipated.”

“Okay, first of all, it was like a few months tops. Second, how could you have spent two years on a space whale and still act like the reckless teenage you were?”  There’s no bite in Shiro’s words; he sounds more affection, if anything, but that doesn't shield him from Keith's glare.

“Look,” the blade sighs, “I know it seems rash, but maybe this is what I needed – a push. Neither of us are doing anything and clearly he isn’t planning on coming here anytime soon and I’m done sitting on my ass. I need to know what’s going to happen because is nothing is going to happen between us, I need to get over it. We can’t afford being distracted in space. The universe is still depending on us, we can’t just – I can’t just -”

“Keith, can you- just slow down. Not everything needs to revolve around missions and space or whatever. Think about yourself for a moment, is this something you want to do? You just told me that you bought this plane ticket just so you can get your heart broken, that’s not - ”

Keith stands up straighter with resolve, but his eyes are soft and tired. “Shiro! Missions and space, or whatever, aside – I need to do this. He’s going to end things and I want to get over it as soon as possible. Anything less would just be dragging it out. I just keep getting angrier and jealouser - ”

“Jealouser?”

Keith huffs out a sardonic laugh, “Yeah, jealouser. I mean he’s been radio silent for so long and then _you_ saw him, he took _you_ to Disney, _you_ met his family, and now he- he keeps calling you and I- I know you guys aren’t _you know_ , but it just stings – that it’s not me he’d call, not me he’d talk to about his problems. I mean, you’re good with that stuff, I know you are – better than me. I don’t know how to comfort people, so logically it makes sense he’d go to you. I know that. It just fucking hurts.”

Shiro is on his feet, arms crowding the blade into his chest in a hug; Keith lets him. “You know how to comfort, Keith. Who was there for me when Adam and I got into that fight? Or when Lance was doubting his position in the team? Or when Hunk was panicking? Sure, it’s not hugs, food, or infinite wisdom, but it doesn’t need to be, so don’t knock yourself down like that.”

Keith pushed himself out of the embrace, arms gesturing to the older man in accusation. “See! You’re so good at that! Which is good ‘cause I might need it when I come back, but this is exactly what I mean!” he pauses to sit so he could cradle his head between his knees in his panic. Shiro’s hand is rubbing his back soothingly, which simultaneously calms and irritates Keith.

“So, this isn’t some big, romantic gesture?”

“No, quite the opposite actually,” Keith answered nonchalantly.

Shiro only rewarded him with an long overdrawn, exhausted sigh. “You’re going to need his address.”

 

 

 

The day after Krolia left, Matt gifted Keith a new phone as a parting gift but it wasn’t until he landed in Florida did he turn it on.

Unlike his old red one, this new phone is matte gray. Keith tried not to feel bitter about it because he really liked his old phone. It matched his cropped jacket, but he couldn’t fit into that anymore either which only made him feel more bitter towards his new phone. And unlike his old one, it did not have any missed calls from Lance, and he felt bitter about that too. He felt bitter about Lance calling Shiro. He felt bitter than his new phone has no record at all of texts he had sent Lance, all unanswered. He felt bitter about everything, and amidst his bitterness, some spontaneous spurt of bravery or defiance or spitefulness, _something_ has him dialing Lance’s number. It has him pressing the call button. It has him waiting as it rings. _It’s going to go to voicemail,_ he thinks but then the ringing stops and it’s not followed by the monotonous answering machine voice informing he’s reached the voice mail box of –

 

Lance was in the middle of aisle 7 of Publix, looking at the bags or assorted Hershey chocolates. He kind of just wants to stuff his face full of chocolate and maybe watch Scooby-Doo, but he’s already got three boxes of brownie batter for when Veronica comes home later and too much chocolate could cause him to break out. He stared hard at the bag of Hershey kisses and gave in ten minutes later, tossing two bags into the basket. _This is what skincare is for anyway_ , he reasoned when his phone rings. He lets it ring, but the thought that Shiro is calling and the promise they made has him digging to the bottom of the basket. When he sees Keith’s name, Lance heart picks up the pace and he’s scrambling towards his phone but once it is in his hands, he hesitates and has to convince himself to answer it.

 

“Keith?” Lance’s voice isn’t any different, maybe nervous and a little shaky and unconfident. Whatever it was that pushed him to call has dissipated and he’s left with his own nervousness and unease because _what the fuck should I say?_ “Don’t hang up, okay. I just gotta go somewhere quiet,” even though there’s no background impeding noise on their communication, but Keith stays quiet.  Lance moved to the international foods aisle, the first empty aisle he passed before talking about. “Hey, are you still there?”

“Yeah.” Why wasn’t Keith saying anything? Wasn’t he the one who called? Lance is in a bit of a panic when he realizes that he’s not going to get any small talk to cushion the heavy topic but this is a conversation he’d prefer to do face to face, but when was he ever going to get that chance. _It’s now of never, Lancey Lance_.

“I don’t want to do this over the phone.” And if that’s not an introduction to a break up monologue, Keith doesn’t know what is.

“You mean talk?” there’s a bitterness in his tone, but he feels it’s warranted. “Because you’ve done a great job not doing it at all, except Shiro. ”

“Uh yeah... talking.” Okay, so maybe that comment was well deserved, Lance considers.

“Then why did you keep calling if you didn’t want to talk?” Keith doesn’t want to be mad, he didn’t want to keep making biting remarks. He just wanted to be dumped so he can fly back to the Holts and maybe sulk in his lion.

There’s a deep sigh on the other side of the phone and Keith receives it with steely resolve because this is it. Lance is going to tell him that he’s staying on earth and that really means there’s nothing for them, and _look Keith, I like you but… I can’t do this, we won’t make it – this is goodbye._ “I wish you were here. I mean, I should probably be there, but I wish you were here. Shiro came like a week ago, and no offense to Shiro, but I-I was kinda hoping it was you I mean we were coming back from Luis’ soccer game and Veronica comes running out of the house like a mad man screaming ‘there’s a hot guy inside for you’ and my first thought was – you.” Lance breaths the last word out, and Keith can hear him gulp. Okay, so maybe this isn’t a break up monologue. “I had a speech ready. Vaguely. There were apologies, some explanation, reasons, justifications – I’m just listing synonyms at this point, I’m really nervous – but it’s kind of just gone and I’ve got nothing to give you. I haven’t decided whether to go back and I feel like I’ve kind of fucked things up for us. That’s probably - I’m sure that’s why you’re calling, you know, to break up. Shiro doesn’t think so, he thinks we deserve each other but we don’t because Keith, buddy, you deserve so much more than me, I mean I- I’m just, you know, a boy from Cuba and you’re-you’re like the future – you deserve the entire universe really and I’m, you know, I’m not -”

 _Beep beep._ Lance looks at his phone.

_Call disconnected._

You could ask anyone in that Publix on that day in that hour, but if you asked Lance, the answer is: _I- I can’t believe – who even – why would you even ask that? Unbelievable. No, Veronica, I did not repeatedly bash my head in the candy aisle screaming._

 

 

Keith stared blankly at his phone.

_we don’t deserve each other_

_you deserve so much more than me_

_you’re like the future_

Keith has never wanted to punch Lance more than this moment (and this is including their rocky start as Voltron, when he’s insult Keith at every chance and make snide remarks about him and Shiro) but he has also never wanted to hug him more than this moment (and yes, this is including their bonding moment, the time he told Lance to leave the math to Pidge, the time they had rescued Lance from the Galra, etc.) and all Keith could think about was getting to the address Shiro had given him and of all the ways he could salvage what's left of this overnight trip when he recalls Shiro’s words- _big, romantic gesture._

 

It took several minutes and several employees and a manager to calm Lance down enough to check out. In the car, he _absolutely did not_ slam his head against the horn repeatedly. It wasn’t until his phone went off that he’s pulled out of his reverie and answered.

“Lance, where are you? I’m already home!”

“I’m at – ”

“There’s a hot guy here for you!” she whispered excitedly.

Resting his forehead on the wheel instead of the horn, Lance tiredly lifted the keys into the ignition. “You can just call him Shiro, V. That’s his name, you can’t refer to him as ‘hot guy’ forever.” After several tries, the keys are finally in the ignition and all Lance would have to do is turn it to start, but he feels so exhausted that he just wants to push his seat back and recline into a nap so he just lets it sit in its slot.

“It’s not Shiro! It’s this guy with like longish black hair, bluish-purplish eyes, and a – ”

In the background, muddled and faint: “It’s Keith. You can just tell him it’s Keith.”

Lance shots up as if rising from the grave, “Keith?! Keith is there? Tell him I’ll be there in a minute, tell him to stay. Veronica, I swear to god: Do. Not. Let. Him. Leave.”

“Okay, but – ” Lance hangs up, a new burst of energy propelling him to drive home. _Home, where Keith is,_ he thinks and he remembers Keith’s eyes that remind him of the hurricane season or his eyes that remind him of Louisiana Irises. _Kimballiae_ , he remembers.

 

 

Veronica was practically the female embodiment of the Lance. Well, the old Lance. The one who was confident and sarcastic and flirtatious. She had the same smirk he used to wear a lot, had the same demeanor that seemed like a staple for a McClain that made Keith wonder if all of Lance’s siblings were like this. But unlike Lance, Veronica was very straightforward and blunt.

“So, first the old black paladin and now the new one. What’s going on?”

“We’re just checking up on him,” he said.

The eldest McClain daughter narrowed her eyes at him before making a buzzer noise. Yep, definitely Lance’s sister. “Wrong answer. It’s only been like a week or so, you guys wouldn’t waste resources like sending two paladins consecutively to check on him.”

The blade rubbed the back of his neck nervously. He thought, after finding out that it was just Veronica here, that he didn’t have a reason to be anxious. His plan was, after all, to talk to Lance and Lance alone, not meet his family. To be fair, he had been under the impression he was getting dumped, so really there would be no need to meet Lance’s family. But he was relieved to find that it’s just one sibling and not his parents. Clearly, he should have been worried.  Veronica had a very keen eye, but Keith was a relatively good liar probably. He doesn’t lie often enough to know, so not much of a reason to start now. _I’m kind of his boyfriend?_ But then maybe Lance hasn’t told them, maybe his family doesn’t know about Lance’s sexuality and _okay, Keith. Play it safe._ “I just haven’t seen him in a long time, so…”

Her eyes focused on him, almost as if analyzing his pulse and biorhythms to tell if he’s lying. He must have passed some test because she relaxes into a shrug, “I bet you just came here thinking you could get a free trip to Disney.”

“I mean, if you’re offering.”

“Oh ho, just cause you’re pretty, doesn’t mean you’re getting a free trip to Disney. Seriously, it’s a wonder that Lance never mentioned how hot you are, I mean, he never shut up about Shiro.” _Not now, jealousy._ “He had posters everywhere in his room and he had a monthly subscription to the Garrison Monthly just in case he was featured in any of them, so you’d think he’d at least mention his hot teammate.”

Keith isn’t stupid. He can tell Veronica is just being playfully flirty with him, it’s not like she has a genuine interest, but still he can’t help blurt out – “I’m gay.”

Veronica rolls her eyes, “I have a boyfriend, you dumbass.”

“Oh, I, uh , I didn’t mean to assume – ” he stops short when he’s silenced by her hand.

“I’m taken, not blind. I can appreciate an attractive person. Wait…you’re gay. Oh my god, you’re gay! Holy shit, do you like Lance?! Is that why you’re here!” it’s a question, but she says it like it’s a discovery.

“Something like that.” The sentence alone makes her even more excited, eyes sparkling with child-like enthusiasm and grin so wide, it makes Keith wince.

“You know where you should take him – ”

“No, but I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.”

“Okay, smartass. You should take him to this nitrogen ice cream place – he’s been craving it all week or you could plan a picnic! Oh my god, yes. There’s this bridge, okay – Keith, pay attention!” Veronica is scrambling through the drawers until she finds a huge book to slap on the counter and a pen to draw with. Keith only gets a glimpse of the title – something about a tourists’ guide to Florida. It takes her a couple of minutes until she finds what she’s looking for and marks it with a giant circle. “There’s this bridge that looks over this huge lake, you almost can’t see the land on the other side of it so it kind of feels like you’re looking out into the ocean, and if you leave around six, you’ll make it in time to see the sunset. It’s a dead road, but there’s a merging lane to this dirt patch so you can see the horizon.”

“You sound like you’ve been there a lot. I don’t want to impede on your date spot or something.”

“What? No, Keith, you handsome fool, you’ve got it all wrong. I’ve never used that place as a date, but… well, when our brother got deployed after Lance disappeared, I was a few months of going to college and mi hermanito was feeling lonely and wel,, I took him there a lot. Honestly, I’ve never seen a 15 year old cry so much, but I’m one to talk. I was balling right there with him… How did your family deal with your _you know_? “

“I didn’t have a family down here when I left,” he answers honestly. Keith waits for the pity, but it never comes. She just hums like she’s in deep thought. “The family I have now, I found in space. It has to be some kind of cosmic joke you know. Most everyone in our team was ripped from their families. Allura and Coran wake up to their entire race almost at extinction. Lance and Hunk and Pidge didn’t get to say good bye to their family. But in all the chaos, I found mine.”

“You say it like you’re at fault or something, like the world conspired against everyone else to get you want you wanted.”

Keith chuckles grimly, “Sometimes it feels like it.”

“Well, you guys are all back safely right? I wouldn’t feel too bad about it.”

“I guess. Thanks.”

She shrugged coolly. “So, do you wanna see Lance’s baby pictures?”  And how could Keith turn down such an offer? He’s only human after all – well, half. Veronica drops a stack of three albums on the table as the settle into the couch. She picks the top album and opens it in between their laps, “This is the first volume.”

 

Lance rushes into the house, fingers straining at the weight of overloaded grocery bags, all of which he ceremoniously drops when he sees Keith laughing as he held some photos in his hands Keith jumps to his feet at the sound, prompting the other to rush towards him, but Lance stops short a feet away from the blade like he can’t be closer, like he’s not allowed to be. Keith internally groans, silently wills Lance to come closer even thought he can’t move his feet towards the Cuban.

“What a _touching_ reunion. Get it, cause you guys aren’t,” Veronica comments dryly, and Lance can't afford to roll his eyes because that would require looking away from  _Keith_. Breathtaking, gorgeous Keith with braided hair past his shoulders ( _has it really been that long?_ ) and those violet eyes, shadowed by his stupidly long eyelashes and it is everything Lance loved about space - all in the depth of Keith's eyes. “I’ll let you two have this awkward moment.”

And just like that, it’s just the two of them.

 

“I’m not,” Keith immediately says, breath hitching and heart stuttering because Lance looks healthier than when Keith had last scene him, a 

“What?”

“I’m not breaking up with you," he breathes out. 

“But… I ignored you? For like - since we got back! And before that, we weren’t even really speaking. I just- I don’t understand?”

Keith wouldn’t have ever wanted to say this, especially if he was talking to the old Lance because 1) Lance turned every compliment into an ego trip, which Keith didn’t mind. Sometimes, it was endearing, but he wasn’t going to give Lance that ammo. And 2) it’s embarrassing to have to say it out loud. It’s one thing admitting you like someone, but to tell them for how long… That’s, it’s just… _embarrassing_ , but this Lance, who always seems to be in constant doubt, he might need to hear it. Don’t get it wrong, Keith is still embarrassed, flushed pink and still simmering a residual bitterness and anger. His eyebrows are knitted in annoyance and embarrassment, when he uttered, “I liked you before I left for the Blade.”

 “You what?! But you- Then that- Wait why didn’t you tell me before you left? Why’d you leave at all?!” he sputtered

“Why does it matter?”

“It-it just does!”

“It doesn’t!” Keith steps closer and in a softer voice, he repeats, “It doesn’t. Lance, I still like you. This wasn’t a break up call. None of my calls were ever break up calls. Most of them were calling to tell you off, maybe yell at you then dramatically hang up before you could break up with me. Why didn’t you answer my calls?”

Lance looks down at their hands and doesn’t remember when Keith reached for them but he’s thankful for the firm hold, wonders if the blade can tell how sweaty he is. “I- I don’t know, I just wanted time with my family and it felt like a dream – being back, being home, being with them. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t even sleep at first ‘cause I thought I’d wake up in the castle and that- that this was all just a dream. I didn’t want it to end and it just - it felt like acknowledging you guys would wake me up, it would make them all disappear. Keith, I don’t want them to disappear.”

Keith didn’t know what to say because he didn’t know what that was like, but he knew what it was like to be on the other side of that – to lose your entire family and dream about them only to know it was a dream because reality was brutal and it was harsh and he tried. He tried so hard to disillusion himself, to let himself believe they were alive and with him in the safety and happiness of his dreams but he had to grow up fast if he wanted to survive, so he let them go. He thought that maybe it could be similar to what Lance feared, but it wasn’t the same and Keith was grateful for that. 

“… but I don’t - I don’t want you guys to disappear either.”

"We don’t want you to disappear either, Sharpshooter," Keith smiles.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


	23. Brownies and Stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They bake brownies and make dramatic exits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. an update? who am i.

Lance doesn't know when Keith's hand managed to make it to his neck. 

Lance doesn't know how Keith pulled them close enough for their foreheads to be touching. 

And Lance most certainly doesn't know how he and Keith ended up kissing or how his hands end up on Keith's chest or how Keith's heart is racing or how his heart is racing or how Keith's lips are chapped or how Keith's hands are entangling themselves in his hair now or how he wished Keith's hair was undone because he wanted his hands tangled up in them too and that - well that's just unfair. 

What Lance does know is that he hates oxygen 97% more when they have to pull apart to breathe, but he's too busy gasping for air while Keith is practicing those breathing exercises Shiro taught them during training (hold two three four; exhale through the nose three two one). It takes him a while before noticing Keith has turned a lovely soft purple while his cheeks is flushed red, eyes dilated which is a shame, since he kind of loved Keith's galaxy eyes, and ears… that’s new?

"Your ears! How long have you had these fluffy things!" and Keith has experienced Lance deficiency for months and years at a time, but usually their reunions aren’t like this where Lance's hands, much like Lance usually is, are everywhere- on his fluffy ears, his suede-like skin, his red-tinted cheeks, his pointed teeth. _Everywhere_. "Long hair and fluffy ears, I really have missed so much," he laments, thumb pulling up his lips as the sharpshooter inspects his canines. Keith doesn't seem to mind in the way that he leans into his touch, his face softens, his eyes closes, and he lets out a hum.  _Cute,_  Lance thinks but the moment is ruined when Veronica yells, "Are you done? Is it safe to look?”

Keith smirks. “ No,” and kisses Lance again before telling Veronica she can look now.

“WAIT, Luis -" To which Lance responded by shoving Keith to get some distance between them because nothing looks gayer than kissing another guy and he hadn’t really come out to Luiz yet, now that he thinks about it. Not officially anyway. Was he there at the beach? It was hard to remember.

Unfortunately for Lance, and especially Keith, it wasn’t any less conspicuous and now the blade probably had a bruise on his chest. And while Keith considers if he could get Lance to kiss it better, Luis ceremoniously drops his school and practice bags, eyes wide as they flicker between the two paladins before focusing on the blade with a vehemently ‘ _you!_ ’’ as he stomped his way between them. “He’s not replying to your shirtless pics and your ‘I miss you’s because he’s not interested! Learn to take a hint, _Keith_!” And Keith, poor Keith, lost in his daydream of Lance kissing away his bruises and maybe kissing on more bruises, did not evade Luis’ punch fast enough. He stumbled back onto the couch, hoping maybe the bruised and Lance could kiss that away later ( _thank you, Luis)._

(Tomorrow, he’ll blame the reunion high for such foolish thoughts but will spend the entire flight home still daydreaming about it.)

Keith is only snapped out of his reverie when Lance shouts, “Luis!” Hand gripping his brother’s shoulder trying to tug him back, but the younger McClain just aggressively shrugs his shoulder out of Lance’s grip.

Luis diverts his murderous glare towards his own brother. “I’m still pissed at you,” he snaps.

“Luis! You don’t know anything! Keith isn’t some random guy harassing me and I’m not ignoring him because I’m not interested! I am extremely interested, so fucking apologize!”

Keith is back on his feet, a small comforting smile on his face. “Lance, it’s fine. I’m not hurt.”

“No, it’s not, Keith! We’ve- you’ve been through so fucking much, you shouldn’t have to deal with this! Luis, this is exactly why you shouldn’t go through people’s phones! You- you just- you make assumptions and now you’ve hurt someone I care about!” And maybe he shouldn’t have phrased it like that because that betrayed, wide-and-wet-eyed look on Luis’ face, like it was an implication that his own brother – his own baby brother – wasn’t someone he cared about and wasn’t someone currently hurting, was unforgivable. It was all kinds of false because that was not at all close what he was trying to say. It wasn’t even within the realm within the realm of possibilities, and that was two realms away! That’s how not close it was! He doesn’t know how to take them back, and it had him simultaneously stepping back but reaching for his brother, and _yes, universe, now is a perfect time to turn into a black hole and maybe bend space and time. Please, for fuck’s sake, do me this one solid_ _because how the fuck did I manage to make my brother cry twice within a week_ , but the universe he helped saved isn’t the kind to repay favors.

“Lance…” Veronica whispers, somehow jolting Luis out of his paralysis as his eyes dart everywhere but on Lance. They land on an opened map before he’s off grabbing his shoes and his backpack and whoever’s keys was closest to him.

“Wait! Luis! I didn’t mean it like that, you know I love you Luis, slow down, where are you going – ” Lance follows him out the door, to Veronica’s car where he’s locked out as the keys are turned in the ignition and the car pulls out of the driveway. He feels helpless and abandoned on the curb even when Veronica and Keith join him. “He hates me.”

 

Veronica gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze, “No, he doesn’t. He’s just being \dramatic. God knows he learned that from you and mami. What’s he so mad about anyway?”

“He thinks I’m going back,” and suddenly the comfort of her hand is gone like he’d scalded her when all he’d said was the truth. “Veronica.”

“Are you?” her voice is steady and sharp, but her eyes keep fleeting between him and Keith, so Lance slides to block her view of the blade.

“I don’t know yet, but please, please please, dios mio, Veronica, please don’t be mad.” It takes a couple of slow, agonizing minutes before Veronica smiles. It’s fake and its tight and Lance knows its for his sake that she’d ever put on such an ugly smile, and that hurts.

“I-I’m not… I think we should start baking. Do you wanna help Keith?” The blade didn’t respond, just started carrying the grocery into the kitchen.

While the three of them divided up to prepare (“Keith, grab the mixing bowls and the measure cups. Lance, ingredient – and use milk , not water.”), it was quickly realized that “umm… Veronica? There is no milk. I forgot to buy it at the store.” And while Lance immediately grabbed his keys to correct his mistake, she snatched it from him and tossed it to Keith.

“You two lovebirds can go. No reason to spend more of your one day trip apart.”

Keith blushed before safely returning the keys to Lance. “I am actually not allowed to drive.”

“What? Don’t tell me you don’t have your license?”

“Turns out a hovercraft and a car are totally different,” he shrugged.

 

 

The ride to Publix wasn’t long and the radio helped shed the weird mood from before and everything was okay. Keith had even hummed along at one point and that was definitely something Lance had filed away to remember later. The worse thing about Publix on a weeknight was parking, so they had to stalk an elderly couple to get a space that wasn’t even remotely close to the entrance. It was a far walk but Lance couldn’t even groan and whine about it, Keith had slid his hand into Lance’s, walking in step with him.

“This is okay, right?”

“Lance, I’m literally the one who held your hand,” Keith deadpanned.

Lance thrashed his arms wildly in offense, but only tightened his grip on Keith’s hand. “Shut up. I- I just wanted to make sure you knew what you’re doing! I bet this is the first time you’ve held someone’s hands.”

“Pretty sure I held your hand during our bonding moment – not that you’d remember,” he replied with a smug smirk.

“That doesn’t count,” he pouted and rolled his eyes, but just the thought of how fucking unbelievably domestic this was – them holding hands, going to the grocery store, getting milk – god, it made him giddy inside.

Lance knew it was unreasonable to believe that walking into the a grocery store should make you feel like a bad bitch, but with Keith by his side and in hi hands, really… who could blame him? He liked to imagine that all these middle-aged suburban moms buying crustless bread for their children’s lacrosse game or whatever would see them and gossip to Karen or Susan about the cute, attractive gay couple at publix. What a shame they were gay, Carol, I’m sure if one of them asked your daughter out, maybe she’d be right with the lord. Okay, so maybe not that bad, but at least enough to make suburban dads look and their wives to question their husband’s sexuality.

This was almost out of a dream. A dream where he and Keith never went to the garrison and they met in college taking some astronomy or engineering class or something. A dream where he and Keith still started out as rivals but eventually progressed into platonic and then non-platonic relations (if you know what I mean). A dream where eventually they moved in and went mattress shopping and yes, work sometimes made them not see each other as often as they’d like, but they at least left Saturday nights as their designated date night (which yes, did include Keith bribing Lance watch the X-Files with some pizza and garlic knots). A dream where Keith had repeatedly asked him to buy milk for the last 2 weeks but Lance keeps forgetting so on their next day off, they both go and pick up some milk and maybe Keith pulls him down an empty aisle and pushes him against the shelves and kisses him and then pretends like they hadn’t done anything when an employee comes restock the tampons and Lance will joke about it for the next few weeks (“real romantic, babe,” he’d jokingly say because Keith likes it when he calls him babe).

Almost.

It’s ruined when they’re back in the car and Keith was strapping on his seat belt when he starts,  “Lance, about going back to space – ”

Lance’s hands gripped the wheel and he strained to reply, “Keith, I really don’t want to talk about it right now.”

The blade sighed and blew on his bangs tiredly. “I know, but I do. I’m still leaving in the morning and there are a lot things I want to talk about, a lot of things we have to talk about before I go.”

“Can’t we – can’t we just, I don’t know, kiss and make out and stuff? Pretend that – I don’t know – can’t we just pretend?”

Keith grabbed Lance’s hand, “I didn’t come here to force or beg or threaten-“

Lance scoffed and mutter, “Threaten. Chyeah right, pretty sure I could still take you on.”

“Or guilt you into coming back, if that’s what you’re worried about. And I’m not trying to rush your decision, but eventually, Voltron will need to go back to space and so will I.”

“But you don’t. Not really. You can stay. Here. On earth. With me, maybe? And yeah I’m not- I’m not lost on the irony of the selfishness of saying that. I mean I’m doing the exact thing to you that I don't want you to do to me, but… but can’t you stay here with me?” and Lance is looking at him pleadingly.

“Does that mean you want to stay?”

And no. it doesn’t, because Lance doesn’t really know what he wants and yes, he knows he’s wasting Keith’s time and Shiro’s and Allura’s and Hunk’s and Pidge’s and Luis’ and Veronica’s and his parent’s and his own. He can’t keep going on like this like he’s stuck in some kind of- some kind of limbo. “I don’t know,” he sighs in defeat, resting his forehead against the steering wheel.

It's still inside the car, but the parking lot is still buzzing with people walking and carts rolling and cars moving. It takes a little while before either of them talk again.

“I… Lance, I-I need to hear it, so I’m just going to ask, okay? Do you want to be with me? Not in the physically since I know you still haven’t made a decision, but fuck… I don’t know, just like romantically I guess? I mean do you like me enough? Do you want to be with me enough? Do you want _us_ enough that if-if you stayed and I left, we could… we could try?”

For all Keith’s mullet is worth, Lance hardly ever sees him touch it. No twirling, no fretting, no pushing behind the ears, no flipping (which really, what wasted potential), nothing. Lance has never even seen him tie his hair up or down or in braids or pigtails (and aren’t we all blessed with that image now). There had been one time, just that one time, when it had been pulled so high up that it made him look like a pineapple, and Lance really should have known about his massive gay crush by then, but that had been the only time Keith’s hair ever did anything. Lance is convinced this is the first time Keith has ever touched his hair, tugging and twisting the ends, like giving himself something to worry over instead of focusing on Lance who is looking at him with those dumb blue eyes and that stupidly cute face thinking how unfuckingbelieveably cute Keith was and the word just slips out.

“I do.” And if that wasn’t the most embarrassing thing he’d ever said, it has got to be in the top 3 because it’s got the both of them blushing, averting eye contact until they both erupted in a fit of giggles and laughter. “Okay, let’s go home.”

 

The brownies were a good distraction for Lance because 1) Veronica made Keith wear a head band after having to blow his bangs out of the way during mixing the dry ingredients, 2) licking the left over batter which almost always taste better than the brownie itself and you know what, fuck salmonella, 3) the brownies were so goooood, d) it made him forget about the disaster that was three hours ago. 

The sound of his parents pulling into the driveway called his attention away from the brownies and instigated an onset of your-boyfriend-meeting-your-parents panic set in. And when he turned to Veronica and Keith, it seemed like they were all on the same page.

“Should I hide him upstairs?” Veronica offered grabbing Keith’s backpack.

_Breathe, Lance. This is a good thing. This is a good thing._

“He could hide in your room?” she continued and the thought of Keith in his room with all of Shiro’s shirtless _Garrison Monthly_ spread-

“NO! No no no no, absolutely not.” _Keith will never let me live it down. He’d tell Pidge AND MATT! They could never find out._  “Hard no. Not in this dimension.”

“Okay? My room, then.”

“I could just sneak out the back?” Keith offered and he was only met with something between a glare and shock so he didn’t make any suggestions after then.

_Think, think, Lance. Your boyfriend. Your parents. Meeting. Brownies. That- well, that doesn’t so bad?_

But by the time he snapped out of his reverie, Veronica had already pushed Keith halfway up the stairs until the door opened and his parents just stared between the three of them

“What is going on?” his mami asked.

Lance could tell that Veronica was about to say something stupid, so thank god he was quick on his feet. “Mami, papi – this is Keith. He’s my, um….” _Rival? Classmate? Teammate? Leader? Friend? Well, that’s kinda better,_ but Lance never wanted to be one of those guys who introduced his boyfriend as a friend _. It’s cliché and, honestly rude._ Keith just held too many titles, _not mention alien assassin but maybe best leave that out. Yeah. Maybe that’s like a fortieth dinner topic._

But Keith must have mistaken his hesitation for something else because he’s down the stairs in front of his parents, extending his hand out. “I’m Lance’s friend.”

 _Keith, u dumbass._ “No, you’re not, don’t be stupid. You’re my boyfriend.” Lance mentally filed away the look on Keith’s face for later. He’s going to tell Shiro all about how fucking cute this guy is.

“The alien one?” his dad asked nonchalantly. Leave it to his papi to ruin the mood. “You look really human for an alien.”

“I’m only half,” Keith replied. “On my mother’s side.”

“Wait... Keith? You wouldn’t happen to be the same Keith from the Garrison? Oh, honey, what did Lance used to call him? Ah, what was it?”

“My Rival Keith.”

“My Rival Keith!” she echoed.

“Can you guys not!” Lance groaned.

“But it is, isn’t it?” his mami smirked. _You evil woman, I know what you’re up to._ “The same Keith who was, and I quote, ‘super cool and all. Okay, like actually really cool, but he’s still a jerk.’”

“Or the same Keith who ‘beat Shiro’s records! It was amazing, he was all like _nyooom_ and _whoooosh_  but still –“ _Et tu, papi?_

“Okay, I think Keith gets it.” _I’m disowning both of you._

“Um, thank you.”

“Keith, would you like to stay for dinner? I’ll make garlic knots,” Lance’s mom offered and why would Keith ever say no to that when Lance and Hunk always sang her praises for her garlic knots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i read some beautiful ass langst fics and now i'm slightly recked. 
> 
> speaking of recs, here's the author: bandity
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandity/pseuds/Bandity
> 
>  
> 
> fuckin amazing.


End file.
